With a single nip, Owen becomes yet another ginger casualty.
We do whatever we can to help our children grow up strong, healthy, responsible citizens of the world. We consult authorities, uphold traditions or defy them. We search our souls and follow our instincts. And yet somehow we still manage to screw it up. This series is dedicated to those of us who have learned that the road to hell is paved with endless pages of parenting magazines.
Your child adores animals. He obsesses on Animal Planet. He is an expert on everything from lemurs to sharks. And you like that he likes animals. Learning about them is a great introduction to biology and environmentalism. Maybe someday your child’s love of the animal kingdom will inspire him to save the planet. Hey, why not get up close and personal with those animals, you think; let’s go to a petting zoo!
This is, of course, an absolutely terrible idea. I know this now, thanks to a recent ordeal that will forever be known by my family as The Azoosment Park Massacre.
Like all tragic endeavors, The Azoosment Park Massacre began with sunny faces and warm comradery. My daughter Mabel held hands with her younger cousin (and otherwise hapless minion) Owen. My nephew Henry skipped along with them in such a way that totally belied his usual pro-books, anti-family-fun personal agenda. They were adorable. They were doomed.
Looking back, I realize that what happened in the “Scales And Tails House” should have been our first indication that all was not well at the AZoosment Park. Here, children can commune with
A soon-to-be victim of the Budgie Bird Maelstrom room.
scale-and-tail-bearing monsters by stepping into what I call the Budgie Bird Maelstrom Room. We sent our beloved children into this foul-smelling, avian danger zone, and armed them with only peanut-butter and birdseed-laden Popsicle sticks. They were swarmed upon arrival, and summarily shat upon for their troubles.
At the barnyard area, Mabel and her Dixie cup of feed pellets were pursued like a greased porkchop in a Superfan mosh pit, with a herd of bloated goats cast as “Da Bears!” enthusiasts. She was eventually relieved of her feed cup (which she held high over her head as she fled) by a helpful llama, who then guzzled its contents with fratboy zeal.
Owen joined the elite demographic of ginger-haired children of the western hemisphere who know what it feels like to be bitten by a camel.
It can’t be said this dark safari wasn’t an educational experience. Our children learned animals have their own less-than cuddly agendas. They also learned that most fearful creature in the animal kingdom isn’t a bird that could claw out their eyes or a mammal that could nip their hands; it is a parent with an absolutely terrible idea.
About Hellraisin
This is really, really funny. In a painful way. But so funny, still.
The camel of comedy–she bites, Dusty! Protect your tender little paws! (And thank you!)
Twitter Name: GaytheistGospel
Oh I hate petting zoo’s. I’m such a scrooge when it comes to visiting petting farms and zoo’s. I spent most of my child hood on a farm, so lambs, chickens, baby pigs and goats are not “cute and cuddly” to me, they’re animals with a purpose and a function. Yes, they’re very sweet to look at, and I’ve fed my fair share of lambs and ducklings, but they smell, they bite, they poo, and they carry diseases which if hands are not washed properly can cause harm to small children, like e-coli. I had a friend who had a cockatoo, who was the most evil, nasty creature who liked to bite and claw, pull hair and swear loudly, and I was terrified of him, and have never had any desire to pet one, or for my kids to.
Saying that, I had a pet snake as a child and my brother kept bird eating spiders, so I’m not all bad! I just don’t get the love of petting zoo’s. Far too stressful. We’ll stick to watching Animal Planet! ;)
Twitter Name: MadCatsBabies
It’s a little-known (and probably made-up) fact that cockatoos are actually the reincarnation of bar-brawling, foul-mouthed hootchie mamas. You were right to prefer your snake and bird-eating spider, Karen.
Twitter Name: GaytheistGospel
Growing up on a farm I thought all animals were great until our bottle calve-Joey, went missing and upon asking the farm hand where our dearest Joey went, he pointed to our lunch of burgers and said ‘You’re eating Joey burgers today!’
I still enjoy a good burger :)
Love your articles!
Thank you, Katie! I think you should open up your own Joey Burger joint. And I think you should put me on the guest list for the grand opening!
Twitter Name: GaytheistGospel
Classic petting zoo nightmare. :)
Incidentally, I would kill for a mouthy, swearing parrot right now. One whose vocabulary would put my mother to shame.
Twitter Name: styxx374
Having a flying pottymouth in the house could really put this year’s Thanksgiving celebration in the record books! I wish you luck in your quest.
Twitter Name: GaytheistGospel
I’m glad I am not the only parent who takes her child to pumpkin farms and petting zoos, hoping for the best. Funny article!
Thanks, Anne. Our poor, doomed, little children: goat fodder.
Twitter Name: GaytheistGospel
Goats are cute, but they’re pushy little bastards with devil eyes. Traumatize my kids every time we go to the obligatory Fall Farm Simulacrum.
The troll in “The Three Billy Goats Gruff” got a bad rap. He should definitely call his agent.
Twitter Name: GaytheistGospel
this reminds me of the Lorakeets at our zoo. You can feed them from cups and they will even come and land on you, etc…but they have this,um, tendency to peck. And sometimes it hurts. And sometimes a lot of lorakeets descend on you at once and it’s scary even for an adult. Not me, just, um, adults in general.
Twitter Name: erinmargolin
I bet you didn’t hit the deck and come up, covered with seed hulls and poo? No, me, neither.
Twitter Name: GaytheistGospel