I have a confession to make, Aiming Low-ers: I’m not a very good tour guide. I live in one of the best cities on the planet (Chicago, natch, even with the terrible weather and awful road conditions), and still, I’m all *wrings hands* OMG, WHAT DO WE DOOOOOOO? WON’T SOMEONE THINK OF THE CHILDREN?!?! whenever anyone wants to come visit me.
When they do, I begrudgingly drive them to Navy Pier and wait patiently in the car while they go and ogle the “tall buildings” with other tourists. I make sure to wear an extra-big hat and large sunglasses so everyone knows that I’m not with them. Because I’m a local, dammit. God forbid anyone actually mistake me for a TOURIST.
I don’t know if anyone else behaves so badly in their hometown. Like deep dish pizza, rooting for teams that haven’t won in a hundred years, and referring to the rest of the world as “not Chicago,” we Chicagoans seem to be predisposed to absolutely hate anything remotely resembling a “tourist hot spot.” If it’s on Yelp, we don’t want it.
I have a friend* coming to stay with me from out of town this weekend. She doesn’t know it yet, but I’ve come up with a fancy itinerary for us.
1) Tour the spot on the highway where I once drunkenly vomited out of the car window.
2) Eat at that one awesome hole-in-the-wall Thai place that may or may not use cat as a meat option.
3) Tour the spot where, many years ago, I mooned a passing car. Possibly provide demonstration of said mooning.
4) Retour the spot on the highway where I once vomited drunkenly out of a car window.
5) Eat a hot dog at that one stand somewhere on Harlem that always gives you food poisoning. Because what’s not awesome about shitting your brains out in Chicago?
6) Vomit out the window on the same spot of the highway. Collectively.
7) Tour the ER for dueling bags of IV fluid.
8) Take her to the one dive bar that’s absolutely run by the mob. Describe “mob hit I maybe saw once in college” so many times that it actually becomes a real mob hit, complete with running newsboy, exploding fruit stands, and slow-motion montage.
9) Order pizza, sit on my couch, and watch reruns of 90210.
10) Make her do my laundry.
Pretty much, I’m the best tour guide ever. Or the worst friend. Either way, she’s never going to want to leave.
SO, who wants to come stay with Aunt Becky?
*hold back your shocked gasps, please.
About Aunt Becky
I SO want to come visit!!! Let me know when she leaves so I can plan my arrival accordingly!
Can’t wait to meet Basement Kitty.
After such a glowing review, think I’ll play host to you in FL instead and get some sun on that lily white ass of yours!
Twitter Name: ByWordsMusings
I appreciate the article as a Chicagoan, but why are you calling it a “highway?” Should be “expressway” or the specific name or number (94, Dan Ryan, 55: all suitable options). No “highway” here. ;)
It’s the expressway or the bypass…we don’t have no stinking Highways. What are we in California?LOL
Twitter Name: Truthfulmommy
I just had to respond with this: Chicago is the best GD city in the nation! (and this is coming from a girl that goes to NYC every year for her birthday and is an East Coaster by birth.
I fucking love Chicago. My old roomate and I went to Chicago for the Buffett concert @ Wrigley Field 5-6 years ago. We had nowhere to stay (drove from Michigan) and we found some lovely native men who let us sleep in their house in Wrigleyville. I slept on the leather couch with someone I creatively refer to as “Leather Couch Man”. At one point he knocked me off onto the wooden floor, but I don’t fault Chicago as it remains a fine incomparable city.
After being impressed by my 1st visit to Chicago, another gf and I (and my mom…fuck yeah she parties!) decided to take our annual St. Patrick’s Day pilgrimage to Chicago. Again, Chicago did NOT dissapoint. My mom was wasted by 5 PM when we inserted her into a cab with instructions to “Take her to the Hampton! Whooooooo!!!” (BTW, my mom DID make it back to the Hampton and we found her passed out with her jacket and shoes still on 5-6 hours later). Meanwhile, my gf and I tried to walk back to the hotel from whateverrandombar we were at later that night and ended up getting a cab TWO blocks from our hotel and the cab still drove us there. Yet another reason Chicago is fucking awesome.
On a 3rd trip to Chicago with some random gfs, we spent the entire day flirting with seamen on that Pier you speak of. We felt touristy and amazing with our overpriced vendor beers while servicing our country’s finest.
I guarantee your approach of vomit-tours and cat meat will please whatever guest you have coming. Afterall, they get to come to CHICAGO!
Twitter Name: Erin (Another one)
I grew up in Chicagoland and am there as often as I can as an adult.I;ve still never been to the top of the fucking Sears tower (What you talkin about Willis tower) and never will because that is just not how we roll!F*ck it let’s meet at the Hegewisch fest and dance the Polka in a beer tent. Who needs Navy Pier anyways?LOL
Now,I’m missing my sweet home Chicago.Hey I think when we actually do get our meet up set up, we should all wear big floppy hats and do all the touristy stuff, while giggling and whispering obnoxiously at all the tourists?What say you?
Twitter Name: Truthfulmommy
I loved Chicago when I went. My friend took me to the Green Mill for a poetry slam. It rocked! We walked past Wrigley Field and it was efffffffiiiiing cold as hell, but it was fun. No vomit was involved.
I grew up in Chicago. I know from what you speak, mighty warrior.
You had me at 90210.
Twitter Name: badkittybakery
Oh my. The only worse Chicago guide imaginable is the guy in this comedy sketch by the TVHams sketch comedy group: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KchueFMJ4Eo NOTE: He’s completely made up, but the Chicago Greeter program is very free and good program. It provides tour guides supplied by the City of Chicago. See http://chicagogreeter.com/ for more details.
Twitter Name: skitsketchjeff