Where Are All the Books For Kids of Gay Parents?

October 13, 2011
by • 45 Comments

Erin & her dad, the night before he came out.

My dad came out of the closet two months after my fifteenth birthday. It was shocking and completely unexpected. Shortly thereafter, he moved out while I continued to live with my mom and my two younger brothers.

A few weeks after my dad’s revelation I went to Waldenbooks at Lakeside Mall (this was before the days of Barnes & Noble, Amazon.com, the Internet, etc.) and asked the saleswoman for help. I told her I was looking for books on “having a gay parent.” She giggled and hesitated, looking at me like I was crazy. Then she led me to the children’s section in the back and handed me a copy of Heather Has Two Mommies by Leslea Newman. I’m not knocking Leslea Newman or anything, but that book (in case you didn’t know) is geared towards two to five year-olds and is about 30 pages long. I felt very lonely that day. And still do sometimes.

There hasn’t been a whole lot written since then for kids, and even less for tweens and teens. It’s completely different to be born as the child of a gay couple than it is to be born to a more (for lack of a better word) traditional couple that later disintegrates because one or both decide to come out.

What I needed most then was to know I wasn’t alone. I wanted to read someone else’s story about having a gay dad or a lesbian mom—and surviving it. There were (and are) others out there like me, but because of ignorance and bigotry, they lurk in the shadows, afraid to reveal family secrets. I’ve been very open about it because I hope somehow I’ll reach someone who can relate. Or maybe I’ll be lucky enough to help someone who is struggling with the situation now.

I needed to know it was okay to be angry with my father. I needed to know it was okay to question my own sexuality. I needed to know that just because my dad lied for so long and pretended to be someone else that there were still others I could trust. I needed to know that my own existence wasn’t a mistake, just part of the game my dad was playing.

But I didn’t get what I needed. And I went down a long, tough road.

We need to talk about things, bring the truth out into the open. Hiding doesn’t solve anything. None of us is alone; it just feels that way.

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About Erin Margolin

Erin Margolin is a bacon-loving Jew & SAHM to twin girls and a brand new daughter. When she isn't overwhelmed by domestic duties, you can find her canoodling with a book and a glass of Kendall-Jackson Chardonnay. If she's not writing or dreaming about writing, she's bound to be microwaving chicken nuggets, screaming at her kids or scooping dog poop.

Erin hails from New Orleans, but her husband lured her to the land of Oz, Dorothy, & Toto, where she deals with daily withdrawal from pralines, poboys, & drive-through daquiris.

Erin is obsessed with plucking her caterpillar eyebrows into submission. She also grapples with residual issues from having a queer dad and getting knocked up after an infertility diagnosis. She loves vampires, carbs, and her bottle of Prozac.
You can find her on Twitter: @ErinMargolin, or on her blog at: http://www.erinmargolin.com.

Comments

  1. Truthful Mommy says:
    October 13, 2011 at 9:45 am

    Erin,
    I think YOU should write a book on this subject. Your voice is so authentic and real that I think it could really help others who might be experiencing this reality. You are awesome! XO

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  2. Kristin says:
    October 13, 2011 at 9:47 am

    Well said, Erin. Thanks for sharing a little bit of your story.

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  3. Rachee says:
    October 13, 2011 at 9:55 am

    Erin,
    I just came back from a conference and attended a session about this topic. I will e-mail you a list of books that were recommended that I hope can help.
    -r

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  4. Vikki says:
    October 13, 2011 at 11:04 am

    Abigail Garner has done a lot of speaking on this topic and also wrote “Families Like Mine” a few years back. I’ve been to one of her workshops and love the way she talks about the issues.

    As a lesbian parent myself, I believe in the power of telling our stories. Maybe it is time for you to write yours.

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    • erin margolin says:
      October 14, 2011 at 3:03 pm

      Vikki,

      I need to check out this Abigail chic you speak of. Also, how about we collaborate on the book? THAT would be awesomesauce! Kinda like both sides of the story? Different stories, of course, but similar in some ways….

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  5. Karen says:
    October 13, 2011 at 11:49 am

    I’ve not commented before, but this topic hits close to home for me. My Dad came out to us, a year after my Mum died. They’d been married for 18 years when she died. She’d know about him being gay/bisexual for 10 of those years. It took me a long time to learn to cope with it. I accepted it, and because I adored (and still do) my Dad, I didn’t react towards him, but inwardly I was angry, confused, bewildered, and trying to “assimilate” it all. I found very little in the way of reading material, to help me to process my feelings. There is a support group for children of Lesbian, gay and bisexual parents in the UK, but I found it was more geared towards younger children, and their families were very involved in the group, whereas my father, with his job in British Security services felt uncomfortable with sharing with “just anyone” because at that stage, being gay was still very taboo, and he could have been at risk of being targeted, and both sides of my family were not really interested in “helping” me to cope. My Mum’s family are Catholic and reacted very angrily, and disowned my Dad, and my Dad’s parents basically were “oh that’s nice dear, we always knew you were different” and then just got on with life.
    I’d love for there to be more supportive, sensible literature for children with gay parents, I definately agree you should write about your experience!!

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    • erin margolin says:
      October 14, 2011 at 3:06 pm

      Karen,

      In the US we have PFLAG, which is Parents and Friends of Lesbians & Gays, but the last time I participated in anything related to it, it really wasn’t geared in my kind of direction. I can’t tell you how much your comments mean to me…my parents were married for 21 years and split up once my dad came out—-so a very different situation from yours, but tough to deal with nonetheless…thank you so much for sharing here in the comments!

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  6. Julie Gardner says:
    October 13, 2011 at 12:02 pm

    I know you have SO much extra time on your hands to write this book, right?

    Oh, Erin.
    Someday. You will.

    You have it in you already.
    XO

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  7. Elaine says:
    October 13, 2011 at 3:14 pm

    Yep, blaze the trail and write a book about it. I know you can do it and then when someone like you goes to the book store and asks for that book the employee can hand them your awesome one. :)

    Love you…

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  8. UnknownMami says:
    October 13, 2011 at 4:50 pm

    You should definitely keep writing about your own experience.

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  9. Julie Donelon says:
    October 13, 2011 at 5:23 pm

    Erin- wonderful post. I agree with the other comments about you writing the book. I think you would do an amazing job and bring your deep insight to the topic. Go for it! Julie

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  10. julie best says:
    October 13, 2011 at 7:03 pm

    very well done…may i suggest that YOU consider writing that book (or more than one, for kids of all ages, adults, too)?

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  11. Peryl says:
    October 13, 2011 at 8:10 pm

    This post is so honest and beautifully written. I felt your isolation! I second Julie’s comment that you write your own book.

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  12. Klz says:
    October 13, 2011 at 9:04 pm

    Sing it, preach it, write it Erin. You can write this book – be the light for kids everywhere.

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  13. Erin says:
    October 14, 2011 at 11:01 am

    Yeah, YOU should write this book!

    “Be the change you want to see in the world” and all that.

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  14. erin margolin says:
    October 14, 2011 at 3:33 pm

    Erin,

    I’ve been wanting to write that book for years. I don’t know if it’ll ever happen. I’m too easily intimidated, the publishing industry is tanking, and I’m having baby # 3 one week from today. AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

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  15. JW Moxie says:
    October 15, 2011 at 4:39 pm

    Thank you for opening up about something that was a difficult event for you to cope with as a teen. I think the wonderful thing is that the comments have opened up an avenue for people to leave reference to the resources that you wanted but couldn’t find years ago. Hopefully, this post will one day help a kid who is in a similar position and they won’t feel so alone.

    xoxo

    And YES – write the book. I would read it (and pimp it out, yo).

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    • erin margolin says:
      October 16, 2011 at 11:18 am

      JWMoxie,

      You rock my socks off. Are you willing to wait around for 10+ years while I get my act together to write the damn thing? (and then it will be at least another 10 years before I find an agent or someone who will agree to publish the shit)

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  16. Jared Karol says:
    October 18, 2011 at 8:32 pm

    Erin,

    We should really talk and share some of our stories with one another. You captured in this short post a lot of the same feelings and experiences that I have gone through in my life. Very cool indeed!

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Trackbacks

  1. What We’re Reading This Week: October 19th — It Builds Character says:
    October 18, 2011 at 9:59 pm

    [...] Your FingersTHIS AND THATLife on the Mama Track: Notes From A Pregnant Dad: Trust MeAiming Low: Where Are All The Books For Kids Of Gay Parents?The Kir Corner: The Power Of YouMom Got Blog via By Word of Mouth Musings: Fall FavoritesMom Got [...]

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