5 Ways to Avoid Showering

It’s not that I’m unhygienic or exceptionally dirty, it’s just that taking a shower has become a ginormous pain in my ass in recent years. I don’t mind the actual act of showering, but all the fuss and muss that comes after the shower takes soooo long. Pat dry. Apply lotion. Get dressed. Apply styling product. Blow dry hair. Moisturize face. Add makeup. Who has time for all that?

Not me, which is why I limit my showering as much as possible. I am able to stretch my time between bathing rituals thanks to these five tricks.

5 Ways to Avoid Showering

1. Don’t leave the house. If they can’t see you, they can’t smell you. Turning on the faucet when you’re not leaving the house just means you hate the environment. Do you hate Mother Earth?

2. Wear layers.

Layers are awesome because they hide unruly body hair and mask body odor. They also give the illusion of having tried – you put on two shirts? Wow, overachiever!

3. Put your hair in a “funky updo.”

Sure, you could put on a baseball cap, but that screams unwashed masses. A funky updo, however, reads more chic than stink. Stick a feather or ridiculously large flower into the rumpled ponytail or bun if you really need to class it up.

4. Quote radical feminists often.

This strategy requires a little planning. You can’t start raging about the patriarchy the first time you go out of the house with leg hair peeking through your tights and expect people to take you seriously. However, if you build a case for natural beauty over time, no one will dare question you in your wild woman glory.

5. Spray your stink away.

A technique best left for emergencies, like the unexpected visit of your mother-in-law, this requires an expensive bottle of perfume or a cheap can of aerosol hairspray. The steps are the same with both: create a cloud of chemicals around your body and pretend like everything is normal.

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Comments

  1. dry shampoos

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  2. Sheila says:

    I prefer the “try really hard to not put on deodorant and then sit around all day doing absolutely nothing” method.

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  3. Hi, I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU’RE TAILING ABOUT but this -> http://www.tresemme.com/Products/Fresh-Start/ might be one of the best things ever

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  4. Darla says:

    LOL!!! With curls I can’t wash my hair but every 3-4 days. I’m so thankful for that excuse.

  5. Michelle says:

    Two words: baby wipes

    Also in lieu of dry shampoos, swipe on face powder or baby powder into your hair part and around your face, then bend over and fluff hair while shaking it out. It absorbs oil just as well.

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  6. Amber says:

    But what if you have to leave the house? I think your list needs to include that contingency.

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  7. Megan says:

    My mother, a smoker who hates to offend with that smokey smell, says she got the most compliments on her fragrance when she sprayed herself with Lysol. Bonus: It kills germs.

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  8. Andrea says:

    I also hate showering. What a waste of time. One other thing that works wonders to mask pesky odors is to wipe your clothed-self down with a dryer sheet. Tie up that hair, apply some Snuggle, and you’re good to go. Hilarious post.

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  9. Tara Bloom says:

    LOL. Marvelous! I was going to add the “dry shampoo” tip, but I see I’ve been beat. Best ways to avoid leaving the house: work from home and grocery delivery service. Best way to quote a radical feminist I’ve found is that I named my daughter after one. Her name is Emma, for Emma Goldman. Just stating that her namesake is a radical, feminist anarchist who championed sexual and reproductive rights for women at the turn of century really sort of says it all when I feel the need to justify why I look like a slob and haven’t shaved in four days. A very overlooked and valuable tip for how to avoid bathing or grooming of any kind.

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  10. Yes, yes, yes. I loathe showering, not because of the actual shower, but because of the rigmarole afterwards. I employ the layered-and-perfumed technique often.

  11. I go with the sporty headband. It pairs well with my yoga pant uniform. Today I opted for dressy headband, earrings, and scarf. In my opinion, the earrings made it look like the grease on my forehead was there on purpose.

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  12. Loukia says:

    Haha! Awesome tips. It is such a long ritual sometimes, isn’t it? Sleeping is so much easier…

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  13. UnknownMami says:

    Stock up on wet wipes and use them to wipe the stink away.

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  14. beta dad says:

    With baby wipes and deodorant there’s really no need to even have a shower in your house.

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  15. Just add bacon cologne and no one will ever guess that there’s a holy hell of stink beneath your alluring scent of breakfast burrito.

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  1. [...] am a deep well of useful knowledge. I can help you conserve water by reducing your need to bathe and, as I will demonstrate today, I can help you fool people you will never see again into thinking [...]

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