Watch the Divorce Rates Go Down! By Tomorrow!

Let’s just get this out in the open right now. I don’t want to be bothered with this “communication,” “relating” and “compromise” nonsense. You know what that is? Work. Plain and simple. Based on the premise that the shortest distance between two points is through a subscription to a feminstically irrelevant magazine and a $200/hr therapist.  I don’t buy it.

So for those of you who, like me, are looking for tips that are less “path to healthier dialogues” and more “path of least resistance,” I offer the following three, simple, infallible strategies.

1. Lie like your best friend is dating a hipster barista.
   You’d never tell to your bestie that the intellectu-won’t with the apron and the ponytail that comes with its own attitude is about as good for her as a back alley tummy tuck. And that is exactly the approach you need to take with your spouse.  Make sure your spouse hears often and emphatically that they are good in bed, have a great sense of humor, great taste and that you love your mother-in-law.  And who knows? Maybe something in there passed the truth in the hallway one day.
2. Subterfuge and Camouflage.
   You’d be amazed at all the places there are in your home to hide things that need to not be found. I also advise taking full advantage of the gene responsible for “I don’t see any ketchup in the fridge!” blindness. There are all kinds of things that can be hidden, disguised or flat-out denied. Live by these classic axioms: “ignorance is bliss,” “what you don’t know won’t hurt you,” and “I don’t know honey, wasn’t that dent there when we bought the car?
3. ”Nothing says “I love you” like liquor and calories.
   Help your lover get to a place of peace, contentedness, and disregard for unsavory information about your past (who knew that warrants stuck around so long?) with a nice filling dinner and a refreshing pitcher of 150 proof “tonic.” And while quality is a bonus, it’s often quantity that counts here. A large pepperoni pizza can hide a multitude of sins. And if you pour yourself  a couple tall ones, you’ll find that your own patience with some of your spouse’s annoying little habits – clipping toenails while watching tv, breathing – don’t get on your nerves anywhere near as quickly.

People who claim to be relationship experts by virtue of their training and so-called “advanced degrees” from “accredited universities” will advocate laborious strategies like talking, negotiating, discussing, accommodating and blah blah blah blah blah. But I say,  “why buy the cow when you can get the milk without a prenup?”

Ok, I don’t really say that, but someone should.

Image credit: Svilen Milev