Anecdotal evidence, supported by a spike in EPT sales in the early 90’s, suggest I have difficulty saying no. I blame being born with a vagina, or rather, without balls. I talk a good game, but I constantly hear a voice saying “yes” before I can eek out, “No thanks, I’d rather have a threesome with Jon Gosselin and Susan Boyle than coach 8th grade girl’s volleyball.” I’m pretty sure my vagina is a ventriloquist and her lips are always moving.
From carpool to shaving my legs, I’m constantly doing shit I don’t want to. While I was still dating my husband, I feigned interest in a few archaic domestic chores to get on the good side of my future mother in law. While home canning is on the rise and may soon replace urban chicken farming in the hipster handbook, it isn’t how I want to spend a Saturday. Unlike the traditional marital bait and switch of morning sex and blow jobs, I can’t seem to break it to my mother in law that I am not quite the woman she thought her son married. This means I am stuck freezing, canning , and blanching green beans, pears, and tomatoes graciously shared from her garden July through October.
In addition to scheduling the skin graft from a pressure cooking injury, added to my “shit I don’t want to do list”, is volunteering in my daughter’s 2nd grade classroom. My plan to fill out school paperwork, not make eye contact, and quickly pass volunteer sign ups to the left at parent night gets jacked every year. Somehow, I always leave committed to a minimum 3 hour tour of duty once a week and chaperoning 2 field trips. Next year I am wearing a strap-on to quiet my ventriloquist or fashioning a burqah to impersonate another child’s mother.
I am getting better about declining certain soul sucking activities. I have unleashed a fury of “hell no” on lotion peddlers at mall kiosks and invitations to sales based home parties. I have a much harder time turning down those I have to look in the eye rather than check a box on an Evite. The holidays are approaching and I’m afraid my dance card is soon going to be filled with holiday bazaars and ugly sweater gift exchanges unless I take drastic measures.
My mother in law is a whiz with her Singer, I wonder if she can teach me to sew my ventriloquist shut.
About Poppy
Oh Poppy…having you for my kid’s Room Mother would be so awesome!
Especially since you have a hard time saying NO.
Twitter Name: OldTweener
I can say no to anything via email. I’m sitting down and my legs are crossed.
Twitter Name: funnyorsnot
Will you guest post for me? Five days a week for the next month?
Cat sit?
Take me to the airport?
Paint my toenails?
I bet you can say no. ;)
Twitter Name: ITSMoments
Sure. I hope your pussy can’t get be any more trouble than mine.
Twitter Name: funnyorsnot
Can you help me to turn down the mall lotion peddlers?
Does this rash look contagious to you? – works like a charm.
Twitter Name: funnyorsnot
Oh Poppy! This is why I love you! I have the same problem but would’ve never thought to say it this way ;)
Um, ya which is why I haven’t responded to your other email yet. Ha!
Twitter Name: funnyorsnot
Wait a minute.
You’re saying I don’t have to give blow jobs or have morning sex anymore?
This place is funny AND informative.
Now. Where can I get me some ventriloquist lessons for my vagina?
Twitter Name: julie gardner
Well you can on holidays, birthdays, and if you buy a really expensive pair of shoes – but no, not mandatory. It says so on the watermark of your marriage license.
Twitter Name: funnyorsnot
This right here? Is why I would do you in a second.
Twitter Name: Voorhees Rachel
You’re totally hot, but it would have to be a temporary thing. I couldn’t handle two talking vaginas on a permanent basis. Somehow I think you are better at telling yours to shut the fuck up.
Twitter Name: funnyorsnot
My vagina keeps getting me into trouble, too. I finally had to start talking louder and louder, so now whenever anyone asks me anything, I shout, “SURE, NO PROBLEM” in chorus with it.
I don’t think I’m doing it right.
[PS Boarding school out of state? BEST WAY EVER to avoid having to work in your kid's classroom or be on the PTA. Extreme? I don't think so.]
Twitter Name: TheSuniverse
Now there is a solid plan, but I would have to get a job to afford boarding school for 3 kids which would come attached with a whole lot of shit I don’t want to do.
Twitter Name: funnyorsnot
*SNORT* You had me at ventriloquist vagina. And now, since you are so good at it, will you please attend the PTA cupcake making party for my son’s school next week? I’ve got a date with my MIL I couldn’t turn down.
Twitter Name: coolwhipmom
Attend? Sure. Plan? Hell no.
Twitter Name: funnyorsnot
I was in my kid’s 1st grade room for an hour last week and wanted to punt a kid. Across the room. Apple tasting station my ass. Just eat it, you sissy.
p.s. I know your inability to say no. You said yes to the 3-Day with me. I will forever ask you to do shit.
Twitter Name: mommakiss
I am even more easily manipulated after a bottle of wine. Glad you figured out my Achilles Heel so early in our relationship.
Twitter Name: funnyorsnot
Those vagina lips do get us into trouble…and I wish I could get mine to shut-up as well as my uterus to stop being responsible for knowing where everything is in this house…
Women should charge a service fee for that shit.
Twitter Name: funnyorsnot
Oh my, a vagina as a ventriloquist! I guess it’s better than your ass being one.
Twitter Name: amorninggrouch
Good one! That would probably be my husband.
Twitter Name: funnyorsnot
I think most husbands! One of his farts I actually named, because I knew what his ass was saying.
http://amorninggrouch.wordpress.com/2011/08/24/a-special-fart-one-i-view-lovingly/
Twitter Name: amorninggrouch
Your ventriloquist should audition for the Vagina Monologues. A star is born…
Twitter Name: loridyan
Fantastic idea.
Twitter Name: funnyorsnot
I love you!!! Maybe spanx can make a special silencer.
I’m not sure I’ll be able to afford those – I have invested more money already on my Spanx wardrobe than I have on shoes.
Twitter Name: funnyorsnot
I hear 2nd grades a bitch. Take your mace!
Good idea. Or maybe a taser.
Twitter Name: funnyorsnot
Brilliant!! Best post ever!!
Oh stop. (Not really. Keep going. Thank you.)
Twitter Name: funnyorsnot
There’s a Jim Carrey movie, “Yes Man” or something like that. I feel like that a lot. Yes. Sure. Why Not?
Except, like you, I can turn down the lotion people, or at least pretend I don’t see them.
Twitter Name: angelaamman
I think its probably because I’m on a mission when I’m in the mall. I have 3 kids and limited patience. I give off that don’t eff with me look too.
Twitter Name: funnyorsnot
This is one space where corporate America teaches you well – you have to say no without saying no.
Like “Don’t you think it would lead to higher cupcakes sales if someone who is a better cook than I am made them?”
And then you run.
You always have to run.
Twitter Name: TamingInsanity
I do know how to run. And my cupcakes suck ass. I think I will defer to you before I’m sucked in next time.
Twitter Name: funnyorsnot
Hilarious!! Exactly about the list of things you don’t want to do!
Twitter Name: Postpartumom5
Yep, I feel like I should want to volunteer in my kid’s class, but I just don’t. I’m usually cutting paper or running copies. Its a crap job that gives me no joy.
Twitter Name: funnyorsnot
I hope this laughter sends me into labor! omg. this is exactly what i needed to read—seriously laughing out loud!
Twitter Name: erinmargolin
So what was decided, Wax On or Wax Off? (Thanks!)
Twitter Name: funnyorsnot
I set out to volunteer for something in the school this year, I opted for the Halloween party committee. It ends sooner. Plan it, do it and I’m done. I dread the spring fun fair, meetings and planning all year. Ugh.
ps fantastic Poppy! A great, great post.
Twitter Name: kristinglas
Thanks for the support all the way from Blissdom Canada you! I like your strategy – but watch you’ll get sucked in all year long too, we’re helpers.
Twitter Name: funnyorsnot
As I’m reading, I’m like “pshhht I can say no!” but then I think about the times I can’t say no. I can say no to a lot of things and a lot of people but then there are the most awkward situations when I cannot say no. I hate those.
Twitter Name: frenchymms
My inability to say no is legendary which is funny considering I’m a pretty assertive person in most other aspects.
Twitter Name: funnyorsnot
The ventriloquist is a great idea. It’s purpose could be two-fold, saying no to unwanted tasks and performing bj’s without getting a sore neck.
Win-Win.
Twitter Name: Twinisms
Good thinking Gepetto.
Twitter Name: funnyorsnot
My vagina has learned to say, “oh, I’d LOVE to, but I have a yeast infection…”
Twitter Name: gdrpempress
I think I might use that line on the youth pastor the next time he asks me to do something – I’ll let you know how it goes.
Twitter Name: funnyorsnot
CONGRATS ON THE AIMING LOW GIG.
You are a PERFECT fit over here.
Can;t wait for more from Poppy.
Twitter Name: gdrpempress
Thank you. And back at you! (I haven’t missed your debut have I?)I’ve been trying to keep tabs on everyone.
Twitter Name: funnyorsnot
I have such a hard time saying no too. Curse this need to please people I don’t even like. But for those mall kiosk peoples. I just usually mutter something in chinese. Do I speak chinese? Nope
Twitter Name: imperfectmomma
If your mother-in-law read this post, I’m pretty sure she won’t be sewing your vagina shut. She now knows you need it since you’re denying her son blowjobs.
(You’re terrific! This was awesome and so true. If it makes you feel anybody, my vagina speaks before I do all the time.)
I love you. That is all.
Twitter Name: letters4lucas
Hilarious. I’m actually quite good at avoiding all of those volunteer responsibilities. I shamelessly play my mother of twins card. I have no idea why people think having two five year olds is more work than having a five year old and a seven year old…but I’m perpetuating this myth for my own nefarious purposes.
Twitter Name: BigPieceofCake
Hilarious! I have a different sort of problem. I always intend to say yes, because I want to be nice, or a good mom, or neighborly or whatever, but I always find the word stopped in my throat as I sit there in stony, angry silence.