3 Things We Should Stop Pretending Are True

My hand smells like amore.

Have you ever thought something was true, then eventually found out it wasn’t? My friend coined a good term for it — living a lie. After all, like a liar, you’re armed with false information. You may not be intentionally lying, but you’re still living a lie.

Then there are those things which the general public pretends are true, even though deep down inside, we know they’re not. Kinda like the Emperor’s new clothes. The dude was naked. Only everyone pretended like he wasn’t. And my, oh my, how I wish that we’d stop pretending the following three things were true. Because they’re not.

1. Joe Paterno is actively coaching Penn State. I’m tipping my cap to JoePa for what he’s done. But at 84, he’s not doing it anymore. All head coaches delegate responsibility. That’s their job. But it’s pretty clear that the Penn State “head coach” has delegated every last thing there is for a coach to do. Especially when you consider this: of the team’s first four games, he spent three and a half of them in the press box due to (yet another) injury he sustained when a player collided with him in practice. The man’s an icon. Not a coach.

2. Hugh Hefner is still money with the ladies. I know what you’re thinking. I’m bent against old people. But you’re wrong. I’m just bent against pretending something’s true when it’s not. And my first two examples just happen to be a coupla octogenarians. This one hurts a bit. Because I don’t mean to hate on Hef. But I’m also not gonna be one of the countless who pretends his relationships / engagements / called-off weddings to mega hotties 60 years his junior are even remotely legitimate. At the end of the day, he’s a pretty old dude rocking a reasonably lame velvet jacket, not some wood-laying Casanova.

3. Marc Anthony is hot. Ladies, I already called out the fellas and made them admit that Fergie’s a butterface, so why don’t all y’all do us a favor and quit pretending like Marc Anthony is hot. Because he’s not. He’s like 5 foot 6 inches and weighs a buck twenty. Soaking wet. (I’m short, too. Yet, alas, I don’t have legions of women who faint whenever I walk by with a rose in my mouth.) Let’s face it. Marc Anthony is a poor woman’s Pepe Le Pew. Only Pepe could probably rock a much more legitimate goatee than the Latino crooner. Still, I’m giving it up for the guy all day long. He was married to J. Lo and is rumored to be rubbing Jada’s Pinkett. Not bad work for a pipsqueak with greasy hair.

What else should we stop pretending?

Image courtesy of miggell1 via Creative Commons.


About John Cave Osborne

John Cave Osborne went from carefree bachelor to father of four in just 13 months thanks to marrying a single mom then quickly conceiving triplets. John and his wife, Caroline, recently welcomed their fifth child into the world, a little boy they named Grand Finale Osborne. He'd tell you more about it, but he's on the phone right now scheduling his vasectomy. You can keep up with John on Facebook, Twitter and YouTube as well as on his personal blog which he calls (get this) John Cave Osborne.


  1. But, but, Marc is kinda hot. But we say that about you, too. So it evens out.

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    • hmm. thank you? how dare you? you’re wrong? you’re dead on? not sure where to go w/ that, but it really doesn’t matter b/c JR1 is good peeps in my book. PERIOD. (but, seriously, marc anthony? justin bieber could take him…)

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  2. Jessi says:

    I will readily admit that he is not hot in the least. Also, kinda skeezy. I’m just sayin’

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  3. Jennifer says:

    Dead on. I’ve never thought Marc Anthony was hot and I have no idea why anyone else does. He looks like Skeletor.

  4. kittenpie says:

    Marc Anthony is so not hot. Dude looks like a reanimated corpse half the time, and I am not into Twilight boy, either. Blech.

    And Hef? Uh, yeah. He may have millions AND the mansion, but he wouldn’t get to play with my… anything. Still, you can’t blame the guy for keeping up what has to be a pretty sweet lifestyle, and if he can buy the fantasy for his old age, well, what the hell, hey? I’d like to stay in my PJs all day sometimes, too.

  5. Julie says:

    Yeah, I could never figure out how you go from bedding Ben Affleck to Marc Anthony and still keep the lights on. It’s almost as curious as the Padma Lakshmi/Salman Rushdie thing, but at least Sal has the sexy smart thing going on. Guessing the Anthony bulb isn’t quite as bright, or at least I know they don’t get much brain food from PBS or they wouldn’t have named their kids after the brother and sister on Dragon Tales.

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  6. SO funny because it’s totally a running joke in our family that Marc Anthony looks like an ugly rodent. We are always hypothesizing how in HELL he manaaged to get down with someone like JLO who is so hot she insured her own ass for a million dollars.

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