Of all the ways that social media can make you feel crappy and rotten about yourself, Klout has reached new lows. Klout claims to measure your ability to drive traffic on the web by ranking you against your friends so you can relive all that painful, cliquey high school angst when you determine that everyone you love is a
Cheerleader Thought Leader while you are a lowly Band Geek Observer who does nothing of relevance during the 180 or so hours spent trimming your eyebrows doing social media each day.
Maybe it’s just me. There are things I like about social media. I enjoy chatting on Twitter, making new friends and scaring my relatives with pics of my favorite tampon crafts on Facebook. But what I don’t like is the constant struggle to get more followers, raise my stats and wield my indomitable ”influence” over the web.
And speaking of influence, what kind of bizarre and twisted algorithm are they using to determine what people are influential about? Because last I visited I found that I was influential about the following topics:
While I must say that I was thrilled that Klout had realized my thought-leadership in the area of placentas (as I am somewhat obsessed with them), I was disturbed to discover that a large percentage of the categories of my influence had to do with bodily functions and that I was apparently a known expert in unibrows.
My first impulse was to get on Twitter and start talking about more relevant topics of interest to boost my score and change my areas of influence. But after a few fruitless attempts to start conversations about hamster karaoke, Ouija boards and my future as a digital badass and internet celebrity, I realized that I just don’t give a shit about what Klout thinks about me after all.
Because if Klout was really the internet BFF to me that it thinks it is, clearly it would know the following:
- I’ve never met a radish I didn’t detest.
- Tuna makes me want to puke and I’m allergic to dust.
- I do have a unibrow that would put
Frida KhaloKoko the Gorilla to shame but I’ve never talked about it on Twitter.
- While I am certainly honored to be deemed a “Feeder” that my 837 devoted Klout fans relies upon for a steady flow of helpful info on poop, unibrows and vomit, how is it possible that Klout does not know that I am actually most knowledgeable about cleaning pee out of mattresses and scrubbing peanut butter out of drapes?
- And last but not least, a better way to measure my Klout, would be to ask my husband how awesome I am. He should know. He married me despite the fact that I once tried to sell his organs on eBay.