5 Things Klout Doesn’t Know About Me

Of all the ways that social media can make you feel crappy and rotten about yourself, Klout has reached new lows. Klout claims to measure your ability to drive traffic on the web by ranking you against your friends so you can relive all that painful, cliquey high school angst when you determine that everyone you love is a Cheerleader Thought Leader while you are a lowly Band Geek Observer who does nothing of relevance during the 180 or so hours spent trimming your eyebrows doing social media each day.

Maybe it’s just me. There are things I like about social media. I enjoy chatting on Twitter, making new friends and scaring my relatives with pics of my favorite tampon crafts on Facebook. But what I don’t like is the constant struggle to get more followers, raise my stats and wield my indomitable ”influence” over the web.

And speaking of influence, what kind of bizarre and twisted algorithm are they using to determine what people are influential about? Because last I visited I found that I was influential about the following topics:

  • Unibrows
  • Vomit
  • Tuna
  • Heaven
  • Parenting
  • Dust
  • Poop
  • Placenta
  • Radishes
  • eBay

While I must say that I was thrilled that Klout had realized my thought-leadership in the area of placentas (as I am somewhat obsessed with them), I was disturbed to discover that a large percentage of the categories of my influence had to do with bodily functions and that I was apparently a known expert in unibrows.

My first impulse was to get on Twitter and start talking about more relevant topics of interest to boost my score and change my areas of influence. But after a few fruitless attempts to start conversations about hamster karaoke, Ouija boards and my future as a digital badass and internet celebrity, I realized that I just don’t give a shit about what Klout thinks about me after all.

Because if Klout was really the internet BFF to me that it thinks it is, clearly it would know the following:

  1. I’ve never met a radish I didn’t detest.
  2. Tuna makes me want to puke and I’m allergic to dust.
  3. I do have a unibrow that would put Frida Khalo Koko the Gorilla to shame but I’ve never talked about it on Twitter.
  4. While I am certainly honored to be deemed a “Feeder” that my 837 devoted Klout fans relies upon for a steady flow of helpful info on poop, unibrows and vomit, how is it possible that Klout does not know that I am actually most knowledgeable about cleaning pee out of mattresses and scrubbing peanut butter out of drapes?
  5. And last but not least, a better way to measure my Klout, would be to ask my husband how awesome I am. He should know. He married me despite the fact that I once tried to sell his organs on eBay.
About Naomi De La Torre

Naomi de la Torre used to be a world famous salsa dancer and Guinness World Record holder in competitive meat-sculpting and artistic pie-eating before she gave up her life of fame and fortune to settle down. Now the mother of two adorable boys, she is most likely to be found hiding from the 100 pound pile of dirty laundry that stalks her, eating her weight in jarred cheese or using a can of Crisco to squeeze herself into her old sequined salsa dresses. Naomi is a contributing writer for SheKnows, Momtastic, Baby Banter and Insert Eyeroll.


  1. Steve says:

    You tried to sell your husbands organs on eBay? I didn’t even know he could play!

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  2. Klout thinks I know a lot about Vegas and I am unsure why. What I don’t understand is when I get on to talk about meaningful things on Twitter I lose Klout but when I go to a conference or some event and blast the heck out of it with photos my Klout goes up.

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  3. Dusty says:

    Beautiful, Naomi. Seriously, I loved this! And not to hurt your feelings or anything, but I know more about placentas and Heaven than you do. Sorry, Klout.

  4. I am totally with you. I do not understand Klout – and why I’m an expert in Pirates…when I’ve never even mentioned the word in a Tweet! However, I strangely crave its acceptance and favor – giving me horrible flashbacks of my teen years and high school.

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    • Naomi says:

      That’s pretty awesome. I’m going to come to you next time I need some insider tips on pirates. Srsly though, I know what you mean. Even though it’s pretty obvious it’s a bunch of crap, why do I still secretly care so much and want Klout to validate me, and call me a Pundit and make me it’s BFF as much as I wanted to be friends with the Cheerleaders in high school???

  5. Tuna and placenta are pretty much synonymous, right?

    Okay, off to breakfast.

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  6. We could totally rule klout with our unibrows.

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  7. KLZ says:

    Radishes? Seriously Klout? That’s just a slap in the face.

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  8. Naomi says:

    Like the only thing worse than that would be saying I was influential about brociflower.

  9. Peryl says:

    HA!! Klout is another one I don’t understand, maybe I should leave it that way. I’m sure I’m influential in poop and baby wipes.

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  10. If KLOUT knew you at all, it would know that you are influential in kindness, friendship, family, love, ok and velour panties and awesomeness:)LOL Love this piece.

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    • Naomi says:

      Awwwwww!! Are you trying to make me cry? PS I forgot all about the velour panties, tho! I’m gonna have to start tweeting about them again so Klout can recognize my velour panty influence.

  11. Alise says:

    Brilliant! I’m so sick of Klout! My primary goal in life at this point is to boost the stupid things that Klout says that my friends are influential about. Because it. is. dumb.

    Absolutely love this piece. Thanks so much for the giggles!

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  12. Klout is yet another fountain of inspiration for hilarity and poking fun at the human condition! Let’s celebrate! Klout Schmout!

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  13. katdish says:

    Your influence list frightens me…

    I am influential about Cats, Angel Investing (?), Mafia and Refrigerator. And I don’t know why. But I do know that I also feel a driving need to make fun of Klout.

    • And for some reason, your Klout influence list makes me really want to hang out with you and be your BFF. Angel investing, cats, mafia, refrigerator? I think I love you. For realies. Maybe Klout is #winning after all.

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  14. Hellraisin says:

    Hamster Ouija! Last one to the patent office is a rotten placenta!

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  15. Your influence list cracks me up. My influence list is the only thing about Klout that I do like. Starbucks? The Princess Bride? Justin Timberlake? wow. Klout is just too kind.

    I agree with you on the rest of it, though. And now there’s apparently yet another “measure” of social media influence called “Kred.” Really? Kred?

    I think social media has officially jumped the shark.

    • Kred huh? Gonna have to check that one out. Sounds a lot like “crud” so I’m seriously intrigued. Wonder what veggies and bodiy fluids they’ll think I’m influential about. PS. I am now making you my official Justin Timberlake expert. Holla!

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  16. Thank you very much for this. I’m such a Klout woozer.
    In freakin kloutland I’m, like, in the sub-basement shopping for AAA bras, trying to focus out of my three eyes because I’m an inbred mutant ninja turnip.
    And I just sent @klout a nasty tweet so…

    (Can I come here and visit again cuz I’m hiding?)

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  17. Brismod says:

    That is hilarious. I only just joined Klout and for some reason, only known to the Klout gods, I am an expert on New Kids on the Block and polaroids. I write about renovating an older home. Klout clearly don’t read my tweets, blog or Facebook page!! Funny nonetheless. xx

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    • Naomi says:

      New Kids!! Oh I remember those days. I had my entire ROOM wallpapered with those guys. Hee! Thanks for stopping by, Brismod! Nice to meet you:)

  18. UnknownMami says:

    This is very timely as Klout just changed their algorithm and overnight my Klout went down by 10 points. I guess some people went to sleep being influenced by me and never woke up. It’s sad to think that so many must have passed away in their sleep. I mean that’s the only way my influence could have dropped so drastically, right?

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  19. Vikki says:

    I’m influential about cats. What the hell? Now I bet people think I’m an animal hoarder.

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  1. [...] Write wrote a great post about her Justin Bieber influence and Naomi De La Torre wrote another about her influence in the categories of Unibrows, Vomit, Tuna, Poop and Placenta. I’m sure many have put their two cents in on the [...]

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