Things I’ve Learned About Parent Pick Up

Will YOU be the next survivor?

You know all those survival shows? The ones where some dude parachutes into some random place and wears a llama carcass for 7 days and “teaches” you how to survive? I think I have found their next, and most lethal location:

Elementary School Parent Pick-Up Zones.

While I was sitting in the 42 car deep line yesterday with a baby screaming in the back seat waiting for my 4th grader I had a few epiphanies.

Things I’ve Learned about Parent Pick Up

• When you find yourself wanting to say, or hearing someone else say “Bring it, biotch!” while waiting for your child, it may mean someone has taken things a little too far.
• The child on the playground who hip-checked their way to the front of the line at the monkey bars because rules don’t apply to them? They grow up to be the jackholes who zip in front of someone who has left a car sized gap in the line because they’re in a WaitingForMyKidInOneLongAssedLine coma because the rules still don’t apply to them.
• It is better to quietly hope for a pigeon to poop on the head of the moron who drives on the wrong side of the road because they can’t seem to understand the difference between right and left rather than to tell them they should go back to kindergarten because they seem to have missed that critical lesson. The kindergarten teacher really has enough on her hands.
• Accept it going in: there are two lines that merge only at the very end. I will be in the slower one, no matter which I chose. Always.
• Yelling at the teacher who’s sporting a funny smelling orange vest and sweating his/her underpaid butt off keeping your child educated AND safe doesn’t make the line go any faster, but it does make you look like a raging asshat.

Having been a teacher I can tell you that I was always baffled why normally composed parents seemed so frazzled and deranged at parent pick up. Now, I know. I am a rational woman. Heck I think I am even a pretty nice person, always trying to give people the benefit of the doubt and all that. But by the time I pull up to have my ten year old get in the car and say “sheesh mom, what took so long?!” it’s a bit hard to keep the sane facade up.

Oh who am I kidding, I haven’t been pulling that off for years.

About the Writer:

Chrissy is a fabulously good looking, skinny mother of two perfect angels who is a stay-at-home mom and does nothing all day. All true. If you change the bit about angels to whirlwind-maniac boys, and does nothing all day to blogging (at mommadeaux.blogspot.com), running an in-home biz, AND doing all the mommy/wifey stuff. Oh and I am little sarcastic, but only a bit. The fabulously skinny and good looking stuff, totally true. I swear.

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