I can't find them.
I spend a solid portion of my life getting things wrong or trying to rectify whatever I just messed up. Predictably, my ineptitude annoys my wife.
All she has to do is live with me, I remind her. I actually have to BE me. Tough stuff, indeed, friends, as evidence by the following 5 things I never seem to get right.
1. Names: If I meet you, there’s a 3 in 5 chance I’ll butcher your name. Multiple times. I often wonder which is worse — the fact that I called you Suzanne when you’re name is Eileen, or that I did it seven times. With the confidence of a game show host.
2. Car Keys: I’m that guy. The one who leaves the house only to return because he’s forgotten and then “lost” his car keys. Caroline thought she could “train” me by making me leave my car keys in the same place every day. She was wrong. She couldn’t train me. I’m not a dog.
I’m a dumbass.
3. Pockets: It’s amazing how often I leave stuff in my pant pockets, then toss them in the laundry. Receipts. Notes. Pens. Paper towels. Money. Caroline wonders why I can’t just empty my pockets.
Because I’m me, I explain.
4. Dates: My parent’s anniversary is September 9th, 1966 — 9/9/66, which, numerically speaking, reads the same way upside down as it does right-side up. And my dad still forgot it each and every year. But I’m no rookie, my friends. I had our anniversary stenciled inside my wedding ring so I’d never forget it. As proof, my anniversary is… hold on… August the… twenty…sixth — pretty sure that’s a six — 2006. POW. Recognize, bitches. If only I could only get her birthday stenciled somewhere.
And the kids’ birthday.
And whatever day it happens to be.
5. Punctuality: Back in the day, my buffoon friends dared me to ask out a total stranger — a lovely young woman we saw at a random bar. To my surprise, she said yes, so a date was set. Funny. Never confused those kinda dates. But I was super late picking her up (damn car keys), for which I apologized profusely. I thought things were cool until halfway through the appetizer, when she finally let me have it and told me what a jerk I was for making her wait.
“You’re right,” I said. “I’m SO sorry, Sara.”
“My name’s Kara, you dick.”
Is Yudick Hungarian? I wondered.
In my defense, I wrote her name on a stickie note the night I asked her out so I wouldn’t forget it, but I left the note in my pockets, then washed the pants. It sure looked like Sara.
Do you have anything you can’t ever seem to get right?
Image: Sean MacEntee via Creative Commons
About John Cave Osborne
You are very amusing! Glad I stumbled upon your tweet. Surviving triplets must take superhuman strength. Sharon
i’m not sure what surviving triplets takes! thanks for leaving a comment.
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
“Because I’m me.” That is golden. I have to try that on my husband the next time I lose my car keys. Yes, I’m you in this scenario.
you know, i always figure, if you’re gonna go down, just go down w/out a bunch of excuses. and “b/c i’m me,” is like “seriously, it’s just the way it is. what are you gonna do?”
know what i mean?
glad i’m not the only one who’s prone to losing his/her keys.
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
LMAO love it!
Twitter Name: brandyellen
thanks, brandy.
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
My parents were married on April 15, Tax Day. I’ve always suspected it was so my dad would remember the date. He’s kind of romantic like that.
Twitter Name: Chase_McFadden
your dad sounds like my kinda guy.
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
Eerily similar sir. Apparently we have the same issues.
Twitter Name: moth_editor
great minds. or ones riddled w/ mild alcohol abuse. take your pick.
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
You should consider getting one of those wristbands like quarterbacks wear with all important life dates listed in order. :)
Twitter Name: pjmullen
will it help me keep my balance and / or improve my chipping and putting?
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
I suck at remembering names too, unless you have a really unusual one. I tend to forget names about five minutes after you tell me. Then it takes me years to get it. I still space on my next door neighbor’s name and I’ve know her for years.
Twitter Name: msmegan
someone once told me that if you repeat someone’s name a few times as you’re speaking to them after you’ve been introduced, then you’ll never forget it. but the only problem is that i’d butcher it during that initial conversation. and, again, even if i’m uncertain? i’m rolling w/ whatever it is i think it *might* be. without blinking. loudly. proudly. with nonsensical confidence.
say hi to your neighbor for me.
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
BAHAHAHAAHAHA. You and my husband would get along. I try not to let it bother me that he still calls me Sara sometimes.
Twitter Name: coolwhipmom
that’s great. what’s your husband’s name? oh, fuck it. like i care. i’ll call him whatever i damn well please, thank you very much.
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
I have a lot of those problems too, Bob. Oddly though, I hardly ever lose my car keys. I have lost the CAR before, of course. Also, pants. I don’t understand how I do that.
Twitter Name: betadad
losing pants? solid. never lost pants before.
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
HAAAAAA! Priceless!
Twitter Name: littleanimation
thanks!
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
There are no words. No, really. I was an hour late for my wedding because I forgot where I parked the car in the hairdresser’s parking lot. I lose my keys on a daily basis, miss due dates and forget appointments, and have to count back from my daughter’s birthday to remember what year we were married. If my anniversary wasn’t exactly 7 days after Valentine’s Day, I’d probably forget that too.
Kids’ birthdays? One of mine is the 4th of April, the other is the 12th. I can never remember which is which, and I gave birth to them. I went into labor with my youngest the 25th but didn’t deliver until the 27th. Six years later, I still write the 25th on his “official” paperwork.
It’s a wonder my husband hasn’t killed me yet.
renee, are you my long-lost sister? if not, you wanna be?
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
Absolutely.
I’m horrid with matching names and faces. I live in mortal fear of saying “nice to meet you” to someone whom I’ve not only already met, but worked with for years.
That’s one reason why I communicate so much easier online. It’s easier to see who the person is (since your name is right there) and it’s easy to search to see if you’ve talked to the person before.
Twitter Name: TechyDad
the sad part is i don’t even live in mortal fear of it. i just do it like i know what i’m talking about.
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
Hahahaha! I’m also terrible with names. I’ve tried the whole “mention their name several times in conversation” trick and it won’t work. There are people who I see socially who I still have no idea what their names are, and they’re people I like!
Twitter Name: kchiki
the “mention their name several times in conversation” trick was probably invented by someone who was really good with names.
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
“Is Yudick Hungarian?”
This hilarious post was just what I needed at the end of a long and very un-funny day.
I am not a names person at all. I can see you twice a day for a year and still not remember your name. I’ll never forget a face, but I’ll lose a name within seconds of you telling it to me.
Twitter Name: JWMoxie
was it Kramer on Seinfeld that suggested we go w/ nametags? he mights been on to something…
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
I used to be pretty good with names. Now that I’m over 40? Not so much! And I just did the “Nice to meet you” thing to a couple right here in my own house this past weekend…and this same couple was at this same party in my house one year earlier. AWKward!! (Work party, so everyone was invited, not individuals…but STILL!).
Kristin — i can promise you one thing — i’d NEVER forget your name. and i bet you glossed over that AWKward moment with grace and confidence. and i’m also digging the fact that, like me, you’re over 4-0. (you obviously rock on all fronts…)
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
I am Perfect! (Insert sarcasm).
My husband? Loses his keys DAILY and forgets where he puts his wallet. Then each and every time gets all obsessive compulsive searching the house and stressing out. You would think he would be used to it by now huh? I don’t feed into it, don’t help. I am not his mother right?
But if by chance I do lose something (rare) and express it he will go all OCD and do his little routine of searching, stressing and eventually finding.
It works for me ;)
funny. if my wife loses something, i’m all like “what’s your problem? and quit impeding on my schtick. thanks for the comment!
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
you are my hero. i have twins and #3 (a singleton) on the way. i don’t know how you handle FIVE.
i’d be writing everything on sticky notes, too.
also? my husband puts chapstick in his pants pockets and then forgets to empty them. and then i wash them. and then? whole load of clothes RUINED.
FAIL.
Twitter Name: erinmargolin
erin, that’s so cool — twins w/ one on the way. so great, buddy. and, yeah, chapstick’s a deal killer…
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
Meal planning. I suck at it. I keep the house tidy, sort of keep paperwork organized and am mostly punctual. I HATE lateness. But meal planning? I try it every once in a while but cannot seem to get it done every week. I inevitably look in the fridge every day at 4, wondering what I can scrape together for dinner. Why I cannot do this, I do not know.
Twitter Name: thedgoddess
meal planning is a tough one for us, too. well, except for the kids. we got them all set, but the wife and i don’t always feel like going with carrots and fish sticks. know what i mean?
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
“Because I’m me,” is kind of like my version of, “Love me or leave me.” It’s how I explain my messy house. It is what it is. I can’t be ruled by it. Maybe you could have those birthdays tattoed inside your thigh or something? You can’t wash them away…and hardly anyone will know you have “notes,” there. Just a thought. Nametags for all sounds like an awesome way of life!
Twitter Name: HeatherSchiavo
that’s a good way to put it. love me or leave me. and bday tatts are definitely where it’s at.
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
DH always gets our anniversary wrong … same date as yours actually but 2009. He can only remember the month, date and year wrong! Love the post – off to find out more about you!
Twitter Name: mummyinprovence
how cool that we share the same anniversary! and give DH time. he’s only had two years to practice! he’ll get it right. (maybe.)
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne