The Talk

As parents, we have to be on the look out for learning opportunities everywhere. And not just learning math or English, life lessons and all that jazz.

So the other night in the bath, one of those learning opportunities occurred, and I had to really think on my feet. I’m not sure that I succeeded. I’ll let you be the judge.

Declan and Simon recently started bathing together. It’s cute and fun and saves water, so I’m all for it. Anyways, Declan is a typical 3 year old boy and is fascinated by his body parts. And by body parts, I mean his genitals. Fine. I get it. Pretty much as soon as his hands found IT, he’s been a big fan of the business “down there,” and I accept it. I know all about not making them feel ashamed, allowing exploration, blah blah hippy nonsense. My attitude is basically “It’s yours, you own it, just keep it to yourself.” Luckily he’s not a weirdo or overly obsessed with it, so it’s not really been an issue.

Declan does love figuring out who has a “weener” and who doesn’t. He’ll randomly ask me “Mommy, does So-and-So have a weener?” and depending on whether that person is XX or XY, I say yes or no and leave it at that. Our pediatrician did inform me at his last well check that it’s time to have “the talk” about good touch/bad touch and Stranger Danger, etc., and while I don’t feel uncomfortable discussing that at this age, it really hadn’t come up.

Til the bath.

Declan knows Simon is a boy. He knows Simon has a “weener” (I really hate that he calls it that, but at the same time, teaching him the proper word for it doesn’t appeal to me, so we are going with it) because he sees diaper changes, etc. But when bathing together, it’s kinda right there. So Declan reaches over and points right at it and says “Simon has a BABY WEENER!”

OK, that’s a battle to be fought later. But I knew an opportunity to teach when it stares me in the face.

I decided that was a great chance to talk about who can touch who and why. So I go into Supermom Mode, and tell Declan: “Honey, yes, Simon has a weener, too. Cringe. But you don’t touch Simon down there, and he won’t touch you down there. Mommy, Daddy, Bebe and Nana can touch down there during baths, but nobody else should ever touch you there, ok? And you don’t touch other people down there, ok? Does that make sense? Only Mommy and Daddy and anyone giving you a bath.”

Declan said, and I quote: “Keke and Marina can touch it.”

Who are Keke and Marina, you ask?

Don't mess with my son, harlots.

Why, they are the pretty girls from “Fresh Beat Band.” And apparently, it is totally acceptable for them to touch my son’s privates.

My response? “Keke is dating Wayne Brady. So it will have to be Marina.”

Don't mess with Wayne Brady's woman.

Parenting fail.

About the Writer: I’m a former copy editor and columnist, now SAHM to 2 boys, Declan (3) and Simon (7 months). I’m the anti-Southern mom, in that I don’t go to bible study, scrapbook or bake. I hate cleaning and have a deal with myself that I won’t have a cocktail until 5 p.m. every day or I’d be like one of those sneaky drinky moms on Oprah. I’m mega liberal and hugely lazy. And I think I’m funny. Christi Wampler blogs at Domestic Disturbia.