Double Shot: The Day I Became That Mom

You know those moms who speak loudly and wear wrinkled clothes and are seemingly oblivious to how annoying they are?  Today, I was totally that mom.

My five-year-old daughter had a gift card to Barnes & Noble, so after work, I hauled both kids to the bookstore, stopping first at Starbucks (the one located inside the store that never has good pastries).  I began to question the lady at the register.

“So, in your estimation, how much caffeine is actually in this?”

“Uh, not much,” she said.

“What?  Not much caffeine in a freaking frappuccino?”  I stared at it like it was dead to me.  Like without caffeine, it was just a worthless, swirling mass of nothingness.  “How much compared to an espresso shot?  Do you know the milligrams?  Can you look it up in one of your handy little binders?”

“I really couldn’t say,” she said.  She rolled her eyes and tapped her little fingers on the register.  The lady behind me just gave me dirty looks.

So I gave up and headed for the children’s book section, heaving my one-year-old son forward in the stroller as my daughter went on ahead.  “Look, honey,” I said to my son, absentmindedly. “This one’s a pop up!”  I noticed an employee glaring at my son with disgust, so I rounded the stroller to check out the frontal view.

My daughter had apparently taken the opportunity during my caffeine rant to feed him old expired cookies found in the diaper bag, and now my son was chilling out, his shirt a bit too small and exposing his belly, covered in crumbs, with a book in his mouth.  He looked like a drunk guy eating a bag of chips.  Except creepier because he was eating a book.  With an incomplete set of teeth.

I wiped off the crumbs and re-shelved the books, and I heard my daughter.

“Hey mom!” she yelled.  “I have something to shoooow you!”

Another mom was sitting there reading quietly to her son and looked up – annoyed – to see if I could get this loud kid of mine under control.  When I finally eased the stroller down the aisle, cookie crumbs littering the carpet as I went bumbling by, my daughter showed me a pink box of crayons covered in princesses.

“What about books?” I cried. But it was her gift after all, and she could use it as she saw fit.  So I directed our little party to checkout.

There, some bored kid declared the price and grabbed the card from my daughter’s hand, swiping it before she had the chance.

“Wait!” I said.  “She wanted to do that!”

“Sorry,” he muttered.  “Too late.”

We were short, so at least my daughter was able to hand him an extra dollar.  I made a big deal out of it, handing her the money, instructing her to give it to the nice gentleman, to say thank you, and to ask for a receipt.  I glared at this punk with my alternate evil eye.

They probably all got together after work, the Starbucks lady and the children’s book shelver and the punk kid with braces.

“Did you hear that mom berating me about caffeine?”

“You mean the one who let her kid chew on a book like a rat and let her daughter scream across the store?”

“Yeah,” the punk says.  “She totally needs a life.  And an ironing board.”

The next time I head into Barnes & Noble, I’m not ordering a frappuccino.  I’m getting a double shot.  I’ll pay for it with pennies, dug out of my wrinkled pockets.

About the Writer:
I’m a Texas girl, born and raised in the hill country. I’m also an attorney and a mother of two. I like to wear nice clothes one day and slob around in a t-shirt the next.  I like to dance and sing and inspire others when I can. I’m married to a strong-willed West Texas lawyer, and together we laugh a lot.  I enjoy writing.  I wrote a novel, but it’s currently being rejected by most every agent in New York, so I’m not quitting my day job.
Amanda blogs at hill + pen

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Comments

  1. So next time, you have to come to the Barnes and Noble we go to … we live there and the coffee shop people know us by name. They take extra good care of us, and since I am always there in yoga pants that have never actually done a down dog – wrinkled will be just fine.

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  2. I’m not sure I believe you, with that gorgeous bio picture :-) But you made me laugh. “The one who let her kid chew on a book like a rat”. Love.

  3. IzzyMom says:

    Screw Starbucks and B&N! People like us make the world more interesting and give surly employees something interesting to tell their friends about their otherwise lame, dead end jobs.

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  4. Haha, that’s awesome. When I see moms like that, I feel better. Those judgey people aren’t good enough for you anyway!

  5. LaurenG says:

    I kind of impressed that it took you five years of motherhood to become “that mom”. I’m pretty sure I got there after 5 days:)

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  6. I’m with Dusty—your bio headshot belies whatever clothes you claim to be wearing! But this was a riot and I am also impressed that there are women out there who never become “that mom.” how do they do it?

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  7. I have no words, just laughing…a lot.

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  8. Peryl says:

    Hint: always ask for an extra shot blended into your frappucino. Or two. Or six ;).

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    • I just have to interject and suggest to just get one or two. Once on a road trip, I got three extra shots in my frap, and I spent the next two hours bouncing around in the car, making sound effects while watching each stripe on the highway whiz by at 70 mph, which wasn’t the greatest thing in the world because I was the one driving.

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  9. Amanda Hill says:

    My life is one big adventure, that’s for sure. Especially last week, when my house was hit by lightning! When it rains, it pours. . . I suppose it keeps things interesting. Thanks for all your kind words.

  10. Holly says:

    This sounds so familiar. Cookie crumbs, wrinkled clothes, yelling and dirty looks — all of it!

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  11. Alia says:

    LOL……Sounds just like me when I attempt to go anywhere, including B&N, these days. Except my boys may or may not have pants on and are trying to “borrow” the Thomas trains. I do have to say that we have a B&N in our area that has a real Starbucks attached to it (so I can use my gold card) and the employes there are awesome and are very understanding of my 2 year old being a terror :-)

  12. Anita says:

    OMG, your story was hilarious. I was laughing so hard I had tears running down my face. Thanks for the entertainment :)

  13. There is such freedom in being That Mom. Sure, people talk but because you are Her you don’t give a damn.

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  14. Kristin says:

    Hysterical Amanda! One of my favoriites yet! I can vouch for your love of both fancy and frump, you pull them both of splendidly!

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