Isolating you from friends and/or family is a sign that your boy/girlfriend may become abusive.
He seemed to have unreasonable levels of jealousy and anger if he saw me talking to my male friends. Eventually, he began subtly, but persistently pressuring me to engage in sexual activities in which I was neither interested nor ready.
Jealousy, possessiveness, and controlling behavior is not proof that he/she loves you.
The final straw came one day after school. He couldn’t find me in the half-hour between the dismissal bell and the time we were to report to band practice, and he grew violently angry. When he spotted me, he rushed over and grabbed my arm. Through gritted teeth he snarled, “Where were you?” I yanked away from him as I explained that my best friend needed to talk to me. Practically growling, he said “I NEEDED YOU!”
It’s not your fault. You are not responsible for “fixing” the relationship.
He punctuated his seething anger with a sharp kick to my knee. It was clear that he meant to cause me pain, because he knew that I had been going to physical therapy; I wore a brace on that knee. When I pushed him and said that the relationship was over, he said, “Like hell it is,” and then stormed off.
Clearly, he didn’t know that I was not one to be messed with; he needed to be educated.
Tell someone.
After I got home that evening, the first thing I did was tell my mother what happened and how overbearing his behavior had grown over the prior three weeks. She got stone quiet and looked at me intently. After a minute, she calmly said, “He won’t bother you again.”
And he didn’t. For the longest time, he didn’t speak to me and practically hugged the walls to keep his distance from me. It was years later when my mom finally shared that the night I told her about him, she got a couple of her male friends to hunt my ex down and threaten permanent damage to his soft parts if he ever bothered me again. If I’m a gangsta, that makes my mother the Original Gangsta. I’m sure that if he ever had been aggressive towards me, she would have gone through proper channels to take care of the issue.
If you suspect that you might be a victim of dating abuse and/or violence (or feel like you may be the aggressor in a relationship and want help stopping), tell a trusted adult as soon as possible; do not wait. Teen dating abuse/violence is an issue that you don’t have to tolerate.
Some basic facts about teen dating violence and abuse:
- Dating abuse comes in many forms: emotional/verbal, physical, financial, sexual, and even digital (texts, emails, Facebook, Twitter, etc).
- About 1 in 3 adolescents have been involved in some sort of dating abuse.
- Nearly 1 in 10 high school students have been purposefully hit, slapped, or physically hurt by their partners in a relationship.
- LGBTQ young adults are as likely to experience dating and teen violence at the same rates as heterosexual couples.
(Source for all facts)
Resources:
- LoveisRespect.org – includes a phone, online chat, and text hotline for help that is available 24/7, dating bill of rights, and teen-friendly advice for handling relationships.
- Loveisnotabuse.com
- For PARENTS: Is your teen dating? This list of resources can help you identify signs of dating abuse provide guidance in how to help your teen define the boundaries of a healthy relationship.
About JW Moxie
I am working on a huge article for Good Housekeeping about this topic. The numbers are truly alarming: a wider circle of teens that ever are being pulling into the cycle of abusive relationship patterns, and GIRLS are now exhibiting abusive behavior toward boys almost as frequently as boys to girls (though boys’ violence escalates toward physical abuse way more often than girls’). It is CRITICAL that we help teens understand notions of RESPECT and BOUNDARIES and WALKING AWAY FROM THE CELL PHONE, because today, more teenagers are involved in abusive relationships than adult women are. Shocking! Teen relationships set the path for future relationships! Let’s all help break the cycle of violence by teaching children in our lives how to step away from drama and seek the quieter rewards of solid respect and love. Thank you for writing about this!!
Twitter Name: bklynstacy
So true. This is why I get a little peeved at those “teach your son to respect women” ads. We all need to learn to respect each other AND ourselves.
As a teen I had a male friend who was involved in a horrible, controlling, and abusive relationship. And when I tried to point out to him that the way his girlfriend acted wasn’t right he said “it’s easier for you. Guys are supposed to be jerks.”
Jerks are jerks. Period. Gender has nothing to do with it.
Twitter Name: ReadilyAParent
Stacy, you are absolutely right! I have word limits to stick to (and was able to go over it given the importance of this post!), so I had to be choosy about which information to include here. Therefore, I’m so glad that you’ve shared these additional facts here in the comments.
Please keep me posted on your article for Good Housekeeping. I would love to take the chance to promote it on my personal blog. This is an issue close to my heart, especially because I work everyday with adolescents who are just beginning to delve into the world of emotional relationships with peers.
Twitter Name: JWMoxie
Go mom! I can see me doing the exact same thing she did.
Now that I *am* a mom, I have no doubt that I will do the same for my children if we’re challenged with a similar situation. I hope that I won’t ever be forced to “go there,” though.
Twitter Name: JWMoxie
This was my last relationship in a nutshell.
Every single warning sign was present and even after the time he slammed my face into the concrete before choking me, I still stuck around for another year. It wasn’t the first time he attacked me in that way and it certainly wasn’t the last. I wish I would’ve had the nerve to say something to anyone. I think people saw what he was doing, but he had them all fooled that he treated me like a queen, including me. I wasn’t allowed to have friends and I had to have permission to go anywhere and I was an adult! He was slowly working his was to completely separating me from my family, which I learned a month or so ago (we’ve been broken up for over a year) that my mom was terrified she would lose me if she said anything.
As another girl who has been through this, don’t do what I did and keep your mouth shut, go tell someone. I certainly wish I had this article during my relationship. It might’ve saved me a lot of pain.
Ella, thank you so much for sharing your experience here. I’m so sorry that you had to endure it, but I’m glad that you found the strength to get out of that horrible situation. I think the more that we talk and share about our personal experiences, that’s the more likely we are to keep other young adults from staying in abusive relationships. xoxo
Twitter Name: JWMoxie
This is such an important thing to talk about. I’m so glad you did.
Your mom kicks ass.
Twitter Name: AnunCommonMom
I think she’s the bomb diggity, too. :)
Twitter Name: JWMoxie
I’m so glad you told your mother.
Twitter Name: Unknown Mami
…I didn’t tell my mother. In fact, I “let” him molest me a couple more times before i stopped forgiving him. Clearly I’m not a role model and nobody should be like me. Ever.
Twitter Name: classicnycgirl
And yet you’re talking about it now. So maybe all those frightened girls and women out there who never told anyone would like to be like you.
What would your mother have done if you told her?
Twitter Name: ReadilyAParent
Probably broken one of her shoe heels off in his ass… and then tried to clamp the lockdown on me every subsequent time I wanted to go with a boy. I was a rebellious little one for no good reason.
Twitter Name: classicnycgirl
You CAN be a role model, just by sharing your story and helping others see the signs of abusive relationships if you suspect that they are in one. There is NO SHAME in having been a victim, no matter how long you stayed in the relationship. It happened TO you, and not BECAUSE of you. You have no responsibility for his actions. Hugs and love to you, Classic NYer. xoxoxo
Twitter Name: JWMoxie
I kinda want to go find this guy and finish what your mom started.
Twitter Name: GaytheistGospel
Don’t worry – he got his a couple of times over. As my mom explained below, he went on to have abusive relationships with at least three of my friends over the next several years, well into our early adulthoods. On a couple of occasions, my wonderful husband (boyfriend or fiance, depending on the timeframe) was there to kick his abusive ass.
Twitter Name: JWMoxie
I was with my guys when we went to talk to this jerk. With deadly calm, I told him if he sees Moxie even walking his way, he needs to pretend that she doesn’t exist and would be suddenly struck blind if he looked her way to long.
We didn’t give him a warning but a promise; if he even spoke her name, looked at her the wrong way, made any threats or did any thing that could be perceived as threats, we were coming back and it wasn’t going to be another nice chit chat I was giving him the first time.
Unfortunately, he began dating one of Moxie’s friends and he was abusive towards her. Her parents knew it and did nothing which is the main basis of what I’m going to add to this topic.
This girl’s mother was a victim of domestic violence and her daughter became part of the cycle of abuse. This child’s father was still in the home and she was witness to the abuse, therefore it was the norm for her family.
Teens face the same issues as younger children in an abusive family, namely feeling lonely and isolated, growing up too fast, behavior problems, stress related medical and mental health problems, and school problems.
Teenagers are also faced with entering into the dating world for the first time. They are formulating their own theories about relationships, and some may not have the best models on which to base a healthy relationship.
They have witnessed the cycle of violence with the abuse, apologies from the perpetrator, tensions building and more abuse.
Unfortunately, some teenagers may be faced with a higher risk of being victims of dating violence and end up in violent relationships either as victims or abusers because that is what they know and they develop this as the way relationships are supposed to work.
I remember the violence I grew up with and I vowed I would not live the way my parents did. They were violent towards each other.
When I had my daughters, I knew I couldn’t shield them from bad things happening to them but I made sure they knew they would be heard and protected to the best of my ability.
To the young people that may read this: As Moxie said, tell someone and if that person doesn’t hear you, keep telling it until someone does and is willing to help you.
Never accept blame for not measuring up in the eyes of the abuser, you NEVER will. It isn’t about what you did or didn’t do but about their need to control you. It’s about power to them.
To the parents and other adults: Become aware of the signs. Get to know who your daughters and sons are spending time with.
In my opinion, there is no expectation of privacy in your home if you feel something is wrong. Find out what it is, even if it means snooping.
If you’re in an abusive relationship, seek help. Many people don’t leave abusive relationships because of the barriers that face them if they do and they don’t know where to go to get help.
Don’t wait until your children are teenagers before you have an open relationship with them. That starts long before. Teens and pre-teens will have their “secrets” that’s normal so expect it. However they need to be taught at an early age they can come to you no matter what the issue is and you will put aside the anger you may feel at what they have to tell you and listen.
Domestic Violence Information
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_help_treatment_prevention.htm
This 2006 Emmy nominated film about teen dating abuse and violence shows real teens telling their stories of dating abuse and violence. The film describes how dating abuse and violence starts, how it progresses, how the abuser acts, and how to recognize it.
Causing Pain: Real Stories of Dating Abuse and Violence
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F9Ctwk8R470
This is not limited to females but males also.
Thanks, Mom, for dropping some important, relevant and relevant knowledge as usual!
Twitter Name: JWMoxie
You are so brave and amazing to share this post. I see where you get your moxie,your mama is one bad ass!She did exactly what any good mama should have done, especially us mamas who were born in the ghetto:)LOL So sorry that you had to go through this but so proud of you for having the strength and self confidence to walk away. YOU are bad ass!
Twitter Name: Truthfulmommy
And so are you, my friend…so are you. <3
Twitter Name: JWMoxie
My senior year of high school a lovely girl I knew was murdered by her high school boyfriend after she finally managed to break up with him. Their abusive relationship had been going on since the 8th grade. Needless to say it was shocking and my heart broke for her parents. Later I worked with Lifetime Television on a movie called, But I Love Him about teen dating abuse (which is exactly like Battered Wife syndrome minus the ring). It made me really want to educate my own daughters about the signs to look for. Thank you for writing about it so concisely.
Twitter Name: shannoncolleary