My daughter just turned three years old last month. My son is four. They are far too young to leave them outside the stall in public restrooms, and yet old enough to want to know exactly what’s going on when mom puts her hands up her dark hole during Shark Week.
In Costco the other day, I found myself in the unfortunate position of needing to switch out the ‘ol vag plug. I felt relieved that only my daughter was with me. I had a master plan to distract her while I quickly did the one-two switcheroo.
I should have known better. This is the same girl that was talking at 12 months after having only heard English for three months, telling me she was going to her room because she didn’t like me at 18 months and asking when she was going to get her very own set of knockers at two years old.
I walked in and headed straight for the big stall – the one reserved for people with disabilities and moms needing to change their baby’s diaper. Pulling cotton out of my cooter in front of my kid gave me a pass, as far as I was concerned.
I had a long skirt on, so I thought I could grab a tampon out of my purse and get ‘er done under the cover of the flowing fabric without my daughter actually knowing what was, ahem, getting done.
“Hey, babe, look at that! A changing table! You haven’t needed one of those in over a year! You potty trained yourself before you even turned two. Such a big girl. Look, honey, do you see where you can buy diapers?”
“Yeah, you put the quarters there and push it in, like the penny squashing machine at Disneyland,” she said in that voice she uses when she’s thinking that I’m the dumbest sonofabitch to walk the earth. “What are you doing?”
“Going potty.”
“Poop or pee?”
(Cue laughing woman one stall over.)
“Um, pee.”
“Why’s your hand up your dress, Mommy?”
“Um…”
“What are you doing in there, Mommy?”
(The laughter stopped. There was some coughing a few stalls over. Please, for the love, I thought, don’t let these women think I’m diddling myself in the Costco bathroom with my daughter present.)
I was regretting giving up on the menstrual cup so quickly. Those things can stay in there for, like, weeks.
“Nothing, honey.”
“Yes you are. Your hand is up your dress. Does your pee pee itch?”
“Sweet baby jeebus, no, honey, it doesn’t.”
“Did you put something in your pee pee? What is that? You shouldn’t put things in your pee pee.”
“I just peed, honey, and now I’m wiping.”
“Maybe you need some help. It’s too bad daddy’s not here to help you.”
And then I did the walk of shame out of the stall with my head down, washed my hands and cursed Costco for not selling cheap booze at their snack bar, along with the hotdogs and pizza slices.
Parenting: A humbling/humiliating adventure, one day at a time.
About Laura Willard
Why is it they never listen when you’re telling them something important but when you’re pulling cotton out of your cooter, they are all eyes, all ears? WHY? WHY? (obviously I’ve been through a similar situation.)
THAT is the truth. The rest of the time, I talk to myself. But involve vaginas and public humiliation and suddenly..
Twitter Name: AnunCommonMom
My 21mo old son has started trying to help me wipe. We’re gonna have to have a talk before Aunt Flo comes to visit again…
HAAAAAA!!!
That is all.
Twitter Name: AnunCommonMom
Been there, done that! At least I have girls, but still—and it’s twice as bad when other stalls are occupied and people are overhearing the conversation. OMG!!!
Twitter Name: erinmargolin
That’s what is so bad – the other people overhearing. I mean, she asked me if I was itching my vag. Sigh.
Twitter Name: AnunCommonMom
My girls are ALWAYS with me so they are front and center at all shark week functions. I’ve trained them to think that I have a booboo and a tampon is my Mommy band-aid. The ruse is so believed that every time I pull out a tampon, Gabs automatically goes to “Awwww, poor Mommy has a booboo.”It’s going to be quite a shock one day when the girls get their own shark week.It will surely be their a-ha moment:)LOL
Twitter Name: Truthfulmommy
Mommy band aid!! HA!
Also, I credit you with Shark Week. Thank you for that. :)
Twitter Name: AnunCommonMom
We have zero privacy in my one-bathroom house so my kids are fairly aware of my period and are at least marginally aware of the old tampon shuffle. That’s not such a big deal but the public bathroom chatter? They NEVER cease to embarrass me as much as humanly possible with all the questions and comments..always spoken LOUDLY so everyone else gets to play along, too.
Twitter Name: Izzymom
SO embarrassing. I don’t know why I don’t just have some sort of talk. I just thought three was so young… Plus, I fear the questions. The endless, in depth questions…
Twitter Name: AnunCommonMom
The old bait and switch failed again….redirecting is an attention grabber backfiring on parents everywhere. It just goes to show you can’t fool or underestimate a little one.
Daughter: won Mommy: zero.
Mommy consolation prize: Your story is a huge success!!!
LOL
WON vs. zero. Love it. Pretty much everything I do that involves trickery and my kids backfires. Maybe I’ll learn one day…
Twitter Name: AnunCommonMom
Product idea: Kiddie blindfolds to be used in bathrooms, dressing rooms and any time you don’t want to answer humilating questions about your body or bodily functions.
Or maybe some painless tape to keep their little mouths shut…
Twitter Name: msmegan
Duct tape is painless, right? ;)
Twitter Name: AnunCommonMom
What’s super awesome is when you decide to just tell your daughters what you’re doing, and then scar them for life while they think they’re going to start bleeding from the vagina any minute now.
That’s super awesome.
Twitter Name: sandiegomomma
That prooves it is not all fun and games to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth!
Twitter Name: sign4baby
OMG. My son, who is 7, asked about the box of tampons on the bathroom counter the other day. Laz me, I didn’t put them away during my ‘shark week’ so he was reading the box while brushing his teeth and asking A LOT of questions.
I tried to be as casual about it as I could but then he saw the S for Super and R for Regular and asked which was better.
“Well, the Super does provide more protection,” I found myself saying…
I cannot imagine what he’s telling his friends on the playground.
Twitter Name: hip_m0m
That ^^ worries me even more!!! I’m calling you when my son starts asking questions.
Twitter Name: AnunCommonMom
I have not actually been caught “red handed” probably simply because I’ve had fewer opportunities bearing new fruit (read children) less than 2 years apart each time and nursing keeping Shark Week at bay a good many many months each time. But now I presume the end of my whimsical ride is over and the roller coaster ride (what I call parenting) shall surprise me soon enough. Maybe from your embarrassment can come some good, even if just one mother escapes the public restroom humiliation you have WON.
Twitter Name: sign4baby
Oh, it’s comin’, mama! It’s comin’… :)
Twitter Name: AnunCommonMom
Oh lord this made me laugh! My 3 year old ALWAYS asks the poop or pee question. And about a year ago as I was getting changed (and it was during shark week – awesome term Debi) he asked “”what’s that hanging from your China?” and then reached for the freakin’ string and tried to pull on it!!!
Twitter Name: January Soden
LOVE it!!! Both the “china” and the tugging on the string. OMG, if my 4 yo son realized things go up there he’d probably try to jam his legos in my cooter while I’m sleeping. Note to self: NEVER let the string show… :)
Twitter Name: AnunCommonMom
I have TOTALLY been there with my 3 year old shouting “I want a tampon, too!!” and eventually being carried out of a crowded bathroom in a full-blown tantrum because I wouldn’t let her hold one. Oy.
Twitter Name: nystoopmama
Okay, I’m literally laughing out loud at that. Now THAT is a good blog post. You can remind her when she’s 15 and miserable and sad and pissy how badly she wanted one of those. :)
Twitter Name: AnunCommonMom
Haha! So in a strange demonstration of just how RIGHT you are… While reading this post I started literally laughing out loud and my 4 year old daughter was immediately over my shoulder asking “What’s so funny Mommy?? What is it?? Lemme see!! What’s THAT thing in the picture?!” “omg honey, nothing – it’s NOTHING! Look, over there! What’s Wow Wow Wubbzy doing?”
I love it! I’m not alone… :)
Twitter Name: AnunCommonMom
Shark Week is going to be in the new Webster’s Edition. I’m sure of it. Funny, funny stuff.
Twitter Name: HeatherSchiavo
It totally should. Best phrase I’ve ever heard from it! Thanks to @Truthful Mommy for that one!!!
Twitter Name: AnunCommonMom
Upon seeing the panty-liner in my underpants at the end of AF, mine once shouted “Mommy! You POOPED your panties!” In a crowed restroom. Of course. God gave us children to keep us humble.
Twitter Name: becomingcliche