Stuff I Can’t Eat

Stuff I can't have. SO NOT FAIR, PEOPLE.

I come from a long line of people with food sensitivities and allergies. For example, I’m allergic to soy, peanuts, tree nuts, seafood, sulfa and sulfates (which means wine. Which means  margaritas instead), penicillin and asparagus.


And latex! But who cares, because you can’t eat it, or at least shouldn’t, right? Guess what? Latex is related to banana, pineapple, avocado, chestnut, mango, and others.

The worst part? No peanuts. Which means no peanut butter. Which means NO PEANUT BUTTER CUPS. That’s just cruel and unusual punishment right there. The only food combination more important to me  than potatoes, bacon and cheese? Chocolate and peanut butter. WHISKEY, TANGO, FOXTROT, Mother Nature! You have a shitty sense of humor! (Or you have Aunt Flo visiting.) Naturally, I’ve passed this allergy crap down to my kids, because I’m all about sharing. My older son is allergic to dairy. He’d eat one goldfish cracker and it would be all exorcist-like and his tiny body would projectile vomit all over the place (and me). Which is ok, because the dog would gulp it up. I KEED!  She’d lick it. Being the great parents we are, we nicknamed him Puking Luke. He loves it when we call him that. Or not.

My younger son? Wheat allergy! Soy and nuts!APPLES!  Who the eff is allergic to apples? My kid. Which means no apple sauce, cider, vinegar, you name it. I thought wheat and gluten products were hard to avoid? Apple shiz is in everything. They cure beef jerky with it. It’s used as sweetener in tons of stuff. It’s in some kinds of toothpaste and in beauty products. You know, because we’re all just clamoring to bathe in apples. Right? At least I am. Or was that potatoes?

We’ve taken to calling it the “$5 diet”. Because everything cost five dollars. Get it? I KNOW! BRILLIANT! Five bucks for dairy and wheat-free bread. Five bucks for an effing pint of “ice cream.” Five dollars for special cookies or crackers. It’s insanity. And expensive. Damn kids.

So what do we eat? Cardboard. I mean, rice-based products, meat, most veggies and some fruits a few grains. And potatoes. Thankfully we aren’t allergic to those. I think I’d cry if I were allergic to potatoes. I mean, what’s the point of living if I was allergic to potatoes? THERE IS NO POINT.

I’ve  decided that when it’s my time I’m ordering a big plate of everything I can’t have. I’ll have a big dinner with shrimp and asparagus and follow it up with a whole plate of peanut butter cups. And hide my epipen.That’s a way to go, right? HAPPY.

About Marj Hatzell

Marj Hatzell climbed Mount Everest, explored the Amazon and swam across the English Channel. Not really, but she's the mother of two kids with special needs so SAME THING. She prefers dogs over people, which means she has STELLAR social skills. Marj isn't a writer but she plays one on tv. Marj also goes to eleven. You can find her at her non-paying day job, the wildly unsuccessful blog The Domestic Goddess, on Twitter, and on Facebook. She also has a not-so-new and definitely-not-successful-and-ignored blog at The Crazy Dog Lady and Facebook page no one visits.


  1. Rachel says:

    Dang, that sucks! “When it’s my time to go.” lol

  2. donna says:

    that does suck…my daughter is allergic to eggs…that means doughnuts and when we go out, every bread in the breadbasket, every item on the kids menu and every dessert – luckily she outgrew the dairy allergy she was born with, milk and eggs – i nursed her and the kid still screamed like a pterodactyl for the first 18 months of her life…and don’t get me started on the projectile vomiting and the overflowing diapers – shudders – sorry about the asparagus allergy, that means you’ll never get to experience the stinky pee…it’s a contest at our house!

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  3. Rhonda says:

    I remember using the GFCF diet for my son. NIGHTMARE! And, SOOOOOO expensive. I feel for your allergies. Fortunately we were able to leave the diet and resume a normal HEALTHY diet.. still expensive yet.. not nearly expensive as the $5 pints of ice cream!

    • I only hope that some day we can stop it. What we’ve ended up doing is trying to get them to eat more protein, fruits and veggies and just cut grains and dairy out as much as possible. It is cheaper. But they can’t live without pancakes (their words) or certain snacks so we get a few things. BUt yeah. $$$$$!!!!!

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  4. margaret says:

    I whine about having to buy gluten free – you have me beat. I’m so sorry. At least wine and gin are gluten free! yipee!!
    UDI’s is my friend but my God what do you eat?
    so you can’t even have B.Crockers gluten free brownies huh? Oh my the more I think about this the more I feel terrible for whining all the time about my wheat intolerance.
    I hope you wake up one day and you can have everything!! Even the dreaded peanut butter cups (I hate peanut butter – I’ll trade you!)

  5. Jennifer Haines says:

    BTW, commercial wool fabric is treated with apple pectins. Found this out when I was working on a costume for a friend who is allergic to apples, pear and quince, among about 100 other things.

  6. IzzyMom says:

    We have a peanut allergy in the family. I feel your pain…but we just have the one. Numerous food allergies has got to be frustrating and challenging, esp when you run up against all the assheads that think it’s no big deal, that you’re “just being picky” or my personal fave, faking it for attention.

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    • marj says:

      Exactly. No big deal to them but they aren’t up all nights with kids who puke on every major holiday because I was trying to be food police and effed it up royaly. Sheesh.

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  7. Megan says:

    My husband has a gluten allergy, and it’s hard enough trying to work around that. My heart goes out to you, sweetie. Oy.

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  8. HeatherS says:

    I really feel for people with food allergies. No peanut butter cups? There are days when pb cups have…well, gotten me through the day, man. The PMS. I need the peanut butter cups. That is so very cruel. I am so sorry for your food allergies. There should be a card.

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  9. Christine says:

    Oh I hear ya. I’m allergic to garlic. You know what has garlic in it? Every single thing in the world. Every once in a while I just think “oh, screw it I’m getting the alfredo” and then the ensuing night of horror and pain cures me of that.

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  10. mommylisa says:

    My child won’t eat potatoes. I think she came from outerspace. ;)

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    • marj says:

      Holy Crap. What? I can’t fathom that.

      Oh wait, I can. Boy who has most allergies? Just ate his first french fry a few month ago and won’t touch any other type of tater. Seriously. ME? I have a kid who won’t eat taters? WHISKEY, TANGO, FOXTROT.

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  11. Jenni says:

    Funny! At the C.I.A I had an advanced baking principles class and it was all about food allergies/restrictions and how to make the main products: G.F, Sugar free, vegan (which kept egg and dairy allergies covered), and nut allergies. It was really interesting and a lot of fun. We just messed about with ingredients all day.
    Apples is a new one to me! That must suck. I don’t know what I’d do if I had a kid with so many allergies. The only thing worse than two C.I.A grads having an allergenic kid is having them grow up to be rodeo clowns. For reals.


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