I come from a long line of people with food sensitivities and allergies. For example, I’m allergic to soy, peanuts, tree nuts, seafood, sulfa and sulfates (which means wine. Which means margaritas instead), penicillin and asparagus.
And latex! But who cares, because you can’t eat it, or at least shouldn’t, right? Guess what? Latex is related to banana, pineapple, avocado, chestnut, mango, and others.
The worst part? No peanuts. Which means no peanut butter. Which means NO PEANUT BUTTER CUPS. That’s just cruel and unusual punishment right there. The only food combination more important to me than potatoes, bacon and cheese? Chocolate and peanut butter. WHISKEY, TANGO, FOXTROT, Mother Nature! You have a shitty sense of humor! (Or you have Aunt Flo visiting.) Naturally, I’ve passed this allergy crap down to my kids, because I’m all about sharing. My older son is allergic to dairy. He’d eat one goldfish cracker and it would be all exorcist-like and his tiny body would projectile vomit all over the place (and me). Which is ok, because the dog would gulp it up. I KEED! She’d lick it. Being the great parents we are, we nicknamed him Puking Luke. He loves it when we call him that. Or not.
My younger son? Wheat allergy! Soy and nuts!APPLES! Who the eff is allergic to apples? My kid. Which means no apple sauce, cider, vinegar, you name it. I thought wheat and gluten products were hard to avoid? Apple shiz is in everything. They cure beef jerky with it. It’s used as sweetener in tons of stuff. It’s in some kinds of toothpaste and in beauty products. You know, because we’re all just clamoring to bathe in apples. Right? At least I am. Or was that potatoes?
We’ve taken to calling it the “$5 diet”. Because everything cost five dollars. Get it? I KNOW! BRILLIANT! Five bucks for dairy and wheat-free bread. Five bucks for an effing pint of “ice cream.” Five dollars for special cookies or crackers. It’s insanity. And expensive. Damn kids.
So what do we eat? Cardboard. I mean, rice-based products, meat, most veggies and some fruits a few grains. And potatoes. Thankfully we aren’t allergic to those. I think I’d cry if I were allergic to potatoes. I mean, what’s the point of living if I was allergic to potatoes? THERE IS NO POINT.
I’ve decided that when it’s my time I’m ordering a big plate of everything I can’t have. I’ll have a big dinner with shrimp and asparagus and follow it up with a whole plate of peanut butter cups. And hide my epipen.That’s a way to go, right? HAPPY.