8 Steps to Avoid Being “That Guy”

The band I play in has a monthly gig at a local restaurant/bar. The crowd is usually older folks and families initially, but by about 9 o’clock the scene becomes a meat market for twenty something frat boys and hoochie mamas.

Of course there’s always “that guy” that arrives at the bar for the sound check and stays until the gear is in the van. “That guy” is known interchangeably as “that tool,” “that douche bag” or “that wanker.”

Since “that guy” shows up at every one of our gigs, I thought I’d help him out with some pointers on how to make the best of his night out on the town.

1. Don’t get to the bar early. Show up in the middle of the first set. It’s called being fashionably late. It makes you look like you had other important stuff to do than come to a bar at 4:30 on a Saturday afternoon.

2. Don’t talk to us like we’re some famous band. Don’t ask us questions about our equipment, or what songs we’re going to play. Don’t tell us how you used to be “in the scene.” We’re not “in the scene”, and we don’t care if you were either.

3. Don’t dance right in front of the stage by yourself and sing along to the songs. It makes you look like an idiot, especially when you make devil horns with your fingers, close your eyes, and do that overbite thing with your teeth while rocking your head.

4. Don’t offer to buy us drinks. We get our drinks for free. We don’t want to be your friend.

5. Don’t get shit faced and shout, “You guys rock!” after every song. We don’t rock, and we’re not trying to rock, and we don’t need your approval anyway. You’re just embarrassing yourself.

6. When the younger crowd comes in, don’t goggle at the 23 year old girls wearing dental floss skirts, see through tops and 18” inch heals. Definitely don’t talk to them, and whatever you do don’t offer to buy them a drink. They’re here to get laid by the muscle bound frat boy in the tank top with the skull tattoo on his bicep. Balding 50-year-old drunk groupies of amateur hack bands don’t interest them nearly as much.

7. Leave early, and do it incognito. You don’t need to tell us that you’re leaving. We’ll be able to notice that you’re gone.

8. On second thought, just ignore this list and don’t come at all.