The Author's various roles (clockwise): Roy the Lion, A Monster Called Sarah Palin, Hugh Downs, Atlas, Old Witch, The King, and Miguel The Cowardly Bull Fighter
Before I became a parent, I was whoever I wanted to be, whenever I pleased. I’ve been a hell raiser, a heart breaker, a pirate, a poet, and a hippie—all in the span of a single weekend, even. My persona was totally my call– factoring in circumstances, climate, and company, of course. I cast myself as the heroine of every scene. When Mabel came along, I figured parenting would be simple matter of finding her the right costume for whatever occasion came our way. How wrong I was!
Mabel essentially ripped the stage out from under me with the finesse of a thundering herd of termites. I’ve found myself stripped of the glamorous self-flattery that was my diva birthright, and have become a cast of thousands, completely unto myself. The following is a resume of my most notable roles.
Underwear Face: An arch villain who wades through a sea of toys and roars “pick up this mess.” At the time, I thought I was just being a mom intent on teaching the value of order and organization to her child. I had no idea I was performing the role of Underwear Face until I heard Mabel bitching about me to her doll as I walked away.
Funk Legend George Clinton: Funk music is the unofficial soundtrack of our home, as mandated by Mabel. When the funk plays, Mabel breaks out her star-shaped sunglasses and becomes bass legend Bootsy Collins. When Bootsy is afoot, there is no rest for funk elder statesman George Clinton. In fact, George barely has time to change out of his bra and into his magic kaftan when he comes home from work. Fortunately, I’ve been able to make my character’s advanced age work for me: I mostly just croak “Tear the roof off the mothersucker” and read the paper while Bootsy pilots The Mothership (aka the couch).
Old Witch: I can do a pretty mean Margaret Hamilton impression, and we just so happen to have an enormous witch hat stashed in the toy box. All I have to do to become the Old Witch is act naturally while wearing the hat and speaking in the voice of Margaret Hamilton. It’s uncanny.
Sarah Palin: What do you name a monster that farts fire and keeps dead trouts in her armpits? As any preschool-aged child of a lefty household can tell you, that monster is called Sarah Palin.
The King: We are a royal family: Mabel is the princess, Kate is the Queen, and I am the King. Gender is a pretty malleable concept when you’re a 4 year-old who has two mommies. I think I drew the King straw for the following reasons: 1. I’ve been told by the Princess that I have “a handsome boy face”, 2. Everyone knows the Queen is the true power behind the throne, and the King, a jolly figurehead. It seems even Mabel has sussed out this dynamic between the Queen and I, and 3. SOMEbody has to be the boy. I must admit, it is quite an ego-boosting spirit-lifter to be addressed as the “King”, especially when I’m performing menial tasks such as mowing the lawn and dragging the garbage to the curb. And it can also be stingingly ironic; it depends on how well the Queen and I are getting along.
I look back on my swashbuckling poet hippy days as so much embarrassing community playhouse theatre. I have grown in my craft and I am now the Meryl freaking Streep of the Land of Make-Believe. I’m a chameleon dancing on the rainbow of the human experience and a mirror to the world! And I owe it all to my four-year-old director.
About Hellraisin
THat’s quite the impressive resume you got going there. My latest role in our personal home playhouse is the Ghost with No Face/Superkitty. Not sure how these 2 roles fit together. Ask my 4 year old. I’m sure he’d be happy to explain. Hahaha!
Twitter Name: coolwhipmom
I think I’d like to hire him on as a producer, actually.
Twitter Name: GaytheistGospel
hey – fancy meeting you here! is this your new gig? Congrats! Maybe I’ll see you at BlogHer someday ;)
Twitter Name: fouragainsttwo
This is indeed my new gig. It remains to be seen if there’s a place for me at BlogHer…unless, of course, Aiming Low needs someone to dress up like a coffee cup and hand out brochures. (PS I do a mean cabbage patch, editors!)
Twitter Name: GaytheistGospel
Wow..I didn’t know that the Sarah Palin monster had antennae.
How did I not notice?
You need to wear special Hell-o-Vision glasses, like me!
Twitter Name: GaytheistGospel
As someone who has watched Hellraisin play with Mabel on a few random occasions, I can say that HR truly throws herself into whatever role she’s been assigned. And she does so with gusto and complete abandon.
I’m just glad I haven’t been asked to be Lady Godiva. Or Kenny Rogers.
Twitter Name: GaytheistGospel
Or (shudder) Kenny Godiva.
Twitter Name: GaytheistGospel
Your characters vividly came to life in this post! Bravo! I don’t think I have any characters, which is strange, but I have a very good Mommy-voice. My kid are now 6 & 9 but this voice seems to come out for littler kids. I’ve noticed it recently at birthday parties and today when I was volunteering at the Elementary school with some smaller kids.
Twitter Name: HeatherSchiavo
The role of Mommy is the trickiest one to pull off! I doff my Make Believe Oscar to you!
Twitter Name: GaytheistGospel
My cat is named after Bootsy Collins. Mabel has good taste :)
Twitter Name: Izzymom
Mabel loves cats even more than she loves Bootsy. Does your cat have a fan page on Facebook? If so, we’re IN!
Twitter Name: GaytheistGospel
Sarah Palin. I die of laughter. Fantastic.
My former life seems boring, suddenly. :)
Loved this!
Twitter Name: AnunCommonMom
Who needs a party when we ARE the party, eh, Laura?
Twitter Name: GaytheistGospel
I love that you have a 4 year old (I have twin girls that are 5) and that she is lucky enough to have two mommies. KICK ASS! You are indeed the King. ;-)
Thank you also for your kind comments about the troll. I so needed to hear all of that. You are wonderful!
Twitter Name: erinmargolin
I am indeed wonderful…at leaving my cell phone in the fridge! I’m glad I could help you out, sweetie. “Keep on keepin’ on!”
Twitter Name: GaytheistGospel
Sarah Palin. LOVED IT. Not her. Loved that she = MONSTER in your crib. She is the face of my nightmares. For realz.
Twitter Name: JWMoxie
“The scariest monsters are the ones that want you to vote for them”, as my grandma always says. We don’t fear the bogeyman at the Hellraisin house, but Rick Perry scares the living beegees out of us.
Twitter Name: GaytheistGospel
Henceforth, you shall be “Underwear Face” to me and mine. Our beloved UF.
Tattoo it in a big ol’ Rococo heart, forever yours.
Twitter Name: GaytheistGospel
Brava! You are a chameleon. Maybe I will be Underwear-wolf Face for Halloween.
Twitter Name: Unknown Mami
Watch out, Werewolf! You’re no match for the terrifying Wereunderwear!
Twitter Name: GaytheistGospel
Underwear Face makes me laugh so hard – I’m sure my boys would think that was the ultimate insult if they thought it up. I will keep it to myself until I need it!
Twitter Name: momadabsurdum
It’s guaranteed to burn their proverbial playhouses down to the ground!
Twitter Name: GaytheistGospel
I think I’ll name the voice in my head that bothers me about my own messes and disorganization Underwear Face. It will be easier to not take it seriously.
Twitter Name: cannibal_nerd
Feel free to use the image of my face, if you need a laughably-irrelevant-authority-figure visual to go with that voice.
Twitter Name: GaytheistGospel