Pickup Lines for Playdates

October 3, 2011
by • 56 Comments

I’m a friend whore. I’ll admit it. I love my friends. And I want more of them—always.

Upon becoming a mom for the first time, I realized that I had only a few close friends who were also mommies. I mean, seriously, I was going through a radical change in my life and I needed to share it with people who understood what the heck I was talking about.

I wanted to live and bleed motherhood. Together. Forever.

I don’t want to sound Fatal Attraction or anything, but I was probably that mom at the play area who was checking you out and trying to come up with the right pickup line to start talking to you. You see, I noticed that we had the same diaper bag and I just knew that we would be buying each other BFF bracelets within the week if only I could find a way to meet you that didn’t make you think I was a complete and total stalker.

“Um hi ….” (Awkward silence.) “I, um, noticed that we have the, um, very same diaper bag and I thought you might want to come to my Best Friends Forever Party?”

Nope. Not quite right.

“Hi there! You’re really pretty. I noticed you the minute I walked into the play area. Do you want to be friends with me? And come home with me? And have playdates and girl time and show each other our stretch marks and ravished belly buttons and talk about the contents of our babies’ diapers over decaf lattes?”

Mmmmm … might sound a little too excited. And possibly creepy and stalkerish.

“Hey, I noticed that you are still wearing maternity pants even though your baby is already at least six months old. Me too!! Wanna hang out?”

Definitely not. Could be construed as offensive.

“I’m having a very tasteful placenta burial ceremony today with just a few close friends and family. Would you like to join us?”

No, that’s not right. What if she thinks placentas are gross and icky?

What was I to do? I couldn’t come up with anything that didn’t make me sound like a complete psycho or a total loser. I finally gave up on trying to approach you directly and decided to become friends with your kid first.

This worked famously until you caught me offering him a lollipop. That’s when you called Mall Security and I got hauled away. I wasn’t trying to do anything wrong, I promise! It was organic. I bought it at Whole Foods. No preservatives or red dye #5 or anything! Really!

Hey! Don’t walk away. Please!!!

Do you still want to be friends with me? I promise not to act like Stranger Danger with your kid anymore unless you say so. I’m really very nice! And not even a real stalker or anything.

Pleeeeeeeease, don’t go. Let me at least give you this matching BFF rhinestone bracelet I got for you.

See? Don’t you just love it? Look. I have one on just like it already.

Photo Credit

First Published in Mamazina Magazine

Filed Under: Frenemies, Know Yourself, Relationships Tagged With: , , , , , ,
About Naomi De La Torre

Naomi de la Torre used to be a world famous salsa dancer and Guinness World Record holder in competitive meat-sculpting and artistic pie-eating before she gave up her life of fame and fortune to settle down. Now the mother of two adorable boys, she is most likely to be found hiding from the 100 pound pile of dirty laundry that stalks her, eating her weight in jarred cheese or using a can of Crisco to squeeze herself into her old sequined salsa dresses. Naomi is a contributing writer for SheKnows, Momtastic, Baby Banter and Insert Eyeroll.

Comments

  1. Actually Mumm... says:
    October 3, 2011 at 7:05 am

    Brilliant! You are so funny – just like me! Bet we’ve loads in common. Wanna be my friend ;)

    Reply
  2. Heather says:
    October 3, 2011 at 7:15 am

    So that’s why all the other mum run away from me. I think I’ve just realised where i’ve been going wrong.

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  3. DD's Diary says:
    October 3, 2011 at 7:22 am

    A girl once came up to me and said she liked my knickers. We were friends for years after that. Mind you, we were about five at the time and doing PE at school …

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  4. Alexandra says:
    October 3, 2011 at 8:34 am

    Um…

    now I see the other side.

    Thanks for the mirror up to the face, girl.

    xo

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    Reply
  5. IzzyMom says:
    October 3, 2011 at 9:51 am

    I was always one of those slightly overeager moms on the playground (or anywhere else) but I was just sooooo lonely as a stay at home mom, I would have befriended just about anyone –> “HI MAIL LADY!!!! HI PHONEBOOK DELIVERER!!! Wanna hang out? My very loud baby and I have cookies!!!!”

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    • Naomi says:
      October 3, 2011 at 10:29 am

      Reminds me of the time I cornered the 7-11 worker for like 30 minutes while I talked about my painful nipple problems from breastfeeding. I’m pretty sure she was just about to call the cops when I finally went away.

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      Reply
  6. Sherri says:
    October 3, 2011 at 9:57 am

    Seriously, none of those lines EVER worked for me, either. But I notice that you have a pair of jeans on. I have jeans on, too! Wanna be BFFs?

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  7. Regina Richards says:
    October 3, 2011 at 10:31 am

    lol! I’m the mommy at the playground who was half hoping you would talk to me and half terrified you would. I’m the tongue-tied one.

    Reply
  8. KLZ says:
    October 3, 2011 at 10:35 am

    I have had my bags packed for your best friends forever party for weeks.

    Thanks for finally sending the invite.

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    Reply
  9. JasonE says:
    October 3, 2011 at 11:50 am

    it is nice to know that women can be socially awkward in approaching other women. reminds me not to ask you for intro lines to meet the cuties working at Trader Joe’s :)

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  10. Dusty says:
    October 3, 2011 at 1:33 pm

    I am so with you. I’m always way too excited to make new friends. Which always gets me that “You were a geek in high school, weren’t you, and guess what, you haven’t changed much” look.

    Reply
    • Naomi says:
      October 3, 2011 at 3:09 pm

      I have a hard time believing you, Shari, in all your beautiful long haired gorgeousness. Not to mention the fact that your mom is like God’s gift to coolness. How could you not be awesome coming from a family like that?

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      Reply
  11. Karie says:
    October 3, 2011 at 2:01 pm

    I’ll just print out a few (dozen) copies of this post and hand them out to all the other moms. Then I’ll wait expectantly, with a big smile on my face, ready to give hugs.

    Reply
  12. jessica says:
    October 3, 2011 at 2:01 pm

    this was my life for about 4 years post divorce. I’d angle for a playdate using my kid as the “lure” they’d end up agreeing to the playdate by handing me their kid and asking when they should come pick the kid up.

    Reply
  13. Kara says:
    October 3, 2011 at 2:18 pm

    Why were you never hanging out at the same mall as me? I would have loved to talk over decaf lattes!!

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  14. Kara says:
    October 3, 2011 at 3:23 pm

    Are you kidding? I’ll bring anything you want.

    I FINALLY FOUND THE SOCIAL MOMMIES!!!!!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!

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    Reply
  15. Amber says:
    October 3, 2011 at 5:12 pm

    I love this post and I love the photo. :) Awesome.

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    Reply
  16. Domesticated Gal says:
    October 3, 2011 at 5:18 pm

    Thank Gawd I’m not the only one. I even made myself Mommy Business cards…because the rare times I manage to find someone willing to overlook my lame opening line? My toddler is off and running with scissors down the stairs out to the street filled with large trucks and druggies.

    Reply
  17. JW Moxie says:
    October 3, 2011 at 5:54 pm

    I am totally that shy, loser mom who will just sit there looking stupid until someone comes to talk to me first. Until someone does, I’m running through possible pick-up lines. Maybe I should just jump out and say something knowing that lots of other moms spazz, too. How does, “I’m a gangsta; do you want to be in my posse?” sound?

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    Reply
  18. erin margolin says:
    October 3, 2011 at 5:55 pm

    Dude, this is SO going to be me (again) in a few months. Oy. But at least I know I’m not the only one.

    ;-)

    Will you come to my placenta burial?

    Twitter Name:

    Reply
  19. Dresden says:
    October 3, 2011 at 6:19 pm

    I once saw a woman at a playground clearly on twitter on her phone. I positioned myself in her eyeline, pulled out my phone and shit you not, turned to her waving my phone wildly and said, “I tweet too!!!!”
    Bless her for not rolling her eyes.
    She just smiled and walked away.
    Swiftly.

    Twitter Name:

    Reply
    • Naomi says:
      October 4, 2011 at 3:23 pm

      That sounds 100% like something I would do. And makes me love you even more than ever, Dresden! So…does this make us BFFs now and will you be freaked out when your matching cubic zirconia encrusted diaper bag arrives?

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      Reply
  20. Sugar Jones says:
    October 3, 2011 at 7:57 pm

    Stranger Danger!! Love it!

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  21. MommaKiss says:
    October 4, 2011 at 9:29 am

    “Your kid is a jerk, but I really like you. Want to get a sitter and hang out?”

    Didn’t go so well.

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    Reply
  22. Heather says:
    October 4, 2011 at 1:21 pm

    I can deal with desperately lonely moms. Come on over. My sticking point is competitive mothering. I don’t want to know how many languages junior is learning to speak, or that he/she was toilet trained by nine months.

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  23. Ameena Falchetto (MummyinProvence) says:
    October 4, 2011 at 3:42 pm

    Hilarious … I feel the same way … except I have to do it in French and mine isn’t that great … so instead of saying we could lower the swing in the play ground I end up saying we could F*&( it … never bodes well for a lasting friendship .. sigh!

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  24. Jason Levine says:
    October 4, 2011 at 4:17 pm

    I can relate. I literally have no offline friends who live local to me. In the 11 years I’ve been living here, I’ve tried to come up with ways of meeting new people, but I guess I just have to face the fact that I relate better to people online than offline. (Computer geek to the end!)

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  25. HeatherS says:
    October 5, 2011 at 4:26 pm

    I’m feeling old and experienced here (for once!)…did you ever notice how much people really like to talk about their kids? When I figured that out, it was like gold. “Oh he’s so cute, that one throwing sand in my daughter’s eyes. They’re having so much fun. What’s his name? What’s your name?”

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  26. UnknownMami says:
    October 8, 2011 at 11:37 pm

    All you have to do to win me over is offer me the lollipop. Why do the kids get all the sweets? I’m tired, I’m the one that needs the sugar.

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Trackbacks

  1. The Six Friends Every Mom Needs | Aiming Low says:
    November 22, 2011 at 9:04 pm

    [...] While I am enjoying being able to wear a T-shirt in November, I am mourning the loss of the really spectacular mom community that was as close to family as anyone could [...]

    Reply

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