Ever since our fifth child arrived, we’ve received countless “well meaning” comments from our friends. Only one problem — most of them are our age — early 40s — and they’ve waged all the infant / toddler wars they ever care to. So their true comment isn’t the one which they’ve uttered, but rather one that’s left unspoken. Here are few examples:
I bet your house is a lot of fun. Compliment, right? Only one problem. What’s so fun about four kids aged four and under when you’re in your 40s? What they’re really saying is, Your household has been reduced to little more than remarkably effective birth control and the only way we’d ever come over would be if my wife started talking that crazy-ass shit about wanting another child again.
If anyone can handle it, it’s y’all. Why don’t you just come out and say what you really mean? Thank God we’re not you. Because it would totally suck.
Speaking of God, another comment we get is:
God doesn’t give you more than you can handle. This is a thinly veiled way of saying: God hates you and it’s overwhelmingly likely that you’ll burn in the eternal fires of Hell.
Those who opt for a less biblical way of expressing themselves often say:
I bet they keep y’all busy. If a man says this, it means: I play golf whenever I feel like it. Because not only are my children self sufficient, I also don’t have five of them. Rookie. Women are really saying: We’d call you to go out, but we know that you won’t be free until 2015. Cute baby, though.
I don’t know how she does it. This one means: You’re a man, so you obviously don’t do shit with the kids. If only I had the nuts to reply, My wife’s one tough broad, as I playfully slap the ass of the 1950s throwback who uttered the comment to begin with.
They know what causes that, you know. On the one hand, this is a lighthearted way of saying: Time to get snipped, Boss. But, what they don’t realize is that many of them are also saying this: So y’all seriously still have sex? That train left our station during the Bush administration.
The bottom line was this — we didn’t think we could ever get pregnant again. Not without help. Thank God we did, though. Because we love Grand Finale to bits.
All of which loosely translates to: If we have another kid, they should put us in jail.