The triplets meet Grand Finale. Oldest child not pictured.
Well, they don’t necessarily come right out and say it, but Caroline and I weren’t born yesterday — we know subtext when we hear it.
Ever since our fifth child arrived, we’ve received countless “well meaning” comments from our friends. Only one problem — most of them are our age — early 40s — and they’ve waged all the infant / toddler wars they ever care to. So their true comment isn’t the one which they’ve uttered, but rather one that’s left unspoken. Here are few examples:
I bet your house is a lot of fun. Compliment, right? Only one problem. What’s so fun about four kids aged four and under when you’re in your 40s? What they’re really saying is, Your household has been reduced to little more than remarkably effective birth control and the only way we’d ever come over would be if my wife started talking that crazy-ass shit about wanting another child again.
If anyone can handle it, it’s y’all. Why don’t you just come out and say what you really mean? Thank God we’re not you. Because it would totally suck.
Speaking of God, another comment we get is:
God doesn’t give you more than you can handle. This is a thinly veiled way of saying: God hates you and it’s overwhelmingly likely that you’ll burn in the eternal fires of Hell.
Those who opt for a less biblical way of expressing themselves often say:
I bet they keep y’all busy. If a man says this, it means: I play golf whenever I feel like it. Because not only are my children self sufficient, I also don’t have five of them. Rookie. Women are really saying: We’d call you to go out, but we know that you won’t be free until 2015. Cute baby, though.
I don’t know how she does it. This one means: You’re a man, so you obviously don’t do shit with the kids. If only I had the nuts to reply, My wife’s one tough broad, as I playfully slap the ass of the 1950s throwback who uttered the comment to begin with.
They know what causes that, you know. On the one hand, this is a lighthearted way of saying: Time to get snipped, Boss. But, what they don’t realize is that many of them are also saying this: So y’all seriously still have sex? That train left our station during the Bush administration.
The bottom line was this — we didn’t think we could ever get pregnant again. Not without help. Thank God we did, though. Because we love Grand Finale to bits.
All of which loosely translates to: If we have another kid, they should put us in jail.
About John Cave Osborne
Right after we got preggers for the first time, my husband’s gay best friend looked at him aghast and said: “HOW did this happen?” Subtext: EWWWW! You don’t really sleep with HER, do you?
Poor guy. I think he was still holding out hope that my hubs would come around some day.
Hilarious post. As always:)
Twitter Name: coolwhipmom
well, at least he has good taste in men, right?
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
I laughed so hard I spit out my coffee into my keyboard at the “god hates you” bit. Thanks a lot John!!
Twitter Name: momadabsurdum
sorry about the coffee, but glad to give you a chuckle. btw… i used to live in your city. for like 8 years during the 90s. moved away in 98. love it, though. and miss it. big time.
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
All of this? TRUE.
I especially like “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle.”
Oh how I would like to say: “you saying that makes me think your both assholes.”
But alas! I’m never brave enough.
Twitter Name: juliaroberts1
Yes, that means suck it up because you can totally have kids who need new body parts! It’s what you were MEANT to do. Yes, you can parent twins while in the throes of depression and anxiety. It’s God’s plan silly.
Twitter Name: TalkIsPrimary
@RossTwinMom ha! exactly. thanks for the comment!
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
Exactly! And some of those people also say God is trying to teach us something!
Ps I also know it should have been “you’re” both assholes. Got that word right at least.
Twitter Name: juliaroberts1
believe me. i’ve read enough of you to know you know the difference. some don’t, you realize. but you? not so worried. you be smart.
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
I certainly is.
Twitter Name: juliaroberts1
i know, right? i mean how are you supposed to respond to that?
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
I get a lot of “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle” with regards to all three of my kids having mood disorders/Aspergers. I’ve been tempted to respond with either “Well, God has more faith in me than I have in Him,” or “I guess that’s true; God gave me bourbon, after all.”
Twitter Name: MamaKaren
hey, now, you gotta share God’s bourbon with me, okay?
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
God didn’t give you bourbon? Well, maybe YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOURBON! Or maybe I’m just the chosen one.
Twitter Name: MamaKaren
damn you. show off.
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
MamaKaren totally is the CHOSEN.
Twitter Name: juliaroberts1
That is fantastic. And my husband wants me to come visit you because I DID just utter the damn words “maybe just one more”.
Love the post.
Dear MrsFatass, you’re more than welcome at our house anytime. and feel free to bring Mr. FatAss as well. especially if he likes sports.
thanks for the comment my friend.
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
My personal favorite is, “So…are you done?”
I long to reply, “Maybe, maybe not. Are YOU done asking overly personal questions, jackass?”
it’s funny how people won’t even hesitate to ask things that are, indeed, personal. i think the chatter on this post has inspired me to do a post on the dumbest questions we got when expecting the triplets. (there were some real doozies!)
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
I think all parents of multiples get that shit – i know we have, but not nearly as much as you, I’m sure. I bet they keep y’all busy. . . I’m gonna play 18 holes. . .
Twitter Name: lickthefridge
i totally agree with you. parents of multiples have heard it all.
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
You forgot:
“Oh, you have your hands full don’t you?”
aka
Your kids are monstrous little shits and you obviously can’t handle them.
Around here, if you have a boy and a girl all the old ladies you meet anywhere say “oh good, you have your family!” Apparently there’s something about a gender balance in your midst that makes you complete as a family. It really pisses them off that we had a third even though we’ve got one of each already. And now when they talk about a fourth it’s all “I bet you’re hoping you have a girl?” We are obviously showing how we are cursed by God by having an unbalanced family gender-wise.
Twitter Name: ReadilyAParent
the gender things is so true. i couldn’t tell from your comment if you were actually expecting a fourth or not. if so, congrats! (and if so, you should keep the child’s gender a secret! did you hear about the couple that was actually doing that w/ their child? it was in the news recently…)
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
What others say is a projection of their own reality. Congrats on your triplets and your Grande Finale and your grace at handling comments and the subtexts. lol.
ooooh. alice! “what others say is a projection of their own reality.”
that’s an awesome quote.
thank you. and thanks for the comment!
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
Brother there is a pool that says by Dad 2.0 you’ll be waiting on another set of twins.
If you make that happen you can make some of your friends a few bucks. They might even be willing to buy you a drink or two, if you can get out for a night. ;)
Twitter Name: thejackb
another set of twins? we’ve never had twins! (thank God) and i’ve only gotten my wife pregant twice — once intentionally w/ triplets and once on whoopsie-daisy.
so i’ll take that bet, thank you very much!
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
I have twins and a 3rd baby coming on Friday. I hear a lot of this same stuff, too. Please pass the bourbon???
Twitter Name: erinmargolin
erin! that’s so cool! i’ll be thinking about you. (and passing the bourbon, too.)
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
I’ve definitely heard these a couple of times. It never gets old (sarcasm)! To date, my personal favorite is: “Triplets?! I hope the shop’s closed now.” My response: “That’s funny…I don’t remember the shop being open to you.”
@ Gloria K — ha! we multiple parents gotta stick together, no? as i’d said above, the chatter in response to this post has me thinking i should write one about the dumbest questions / remarks C and i got when she was carryingo our trio. we heard them so often that i came up w/ soundbites to the questions i’d come to anticipate — soundbites which really embarrassed my wife!
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
You’re going to be able to see through anything I try to say right now. But still… God bless ya.
i tell you what — “God bless ya” totally works for me!
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
Loved reading this. Makes me see not just us single people get crap like that.
“Oh, girl when the time is right the right one will come along.” (Meaning: They’ve got nothing to give other than a blank stare. And a shrug. Like I was even looking for them for anything anyway.)
Beautiful kids, by the way. Just darling.
Twitter Name: ASassyRedhead
Oh, yes, the “God won’t give you more…” deal. That really means, “You’re so pathetic! Stop looking tired and certainly do NOT complain. _I_ could handle all of this stuff SOOOOOO easily. You? Not so much, clearly.”
Muchos Gracias for your article.Thanks Again. Cool.