A Note to Daddy’s Lil’ Darling Concerning His Glasses

A nice, even coating of kid spit.

Good morning, Hellcat!

Mommy told me that last night — after I picked you up off of our bed and stumbled through your FEMA-level disaster area of a bedroom to place you on your own mattress — she found that you’d been lying on my glasses.

I just wanted to leave you a quick note to say thank you! What a thoughtful and responsible gesture, especially for a 3-year-old.

Absentminded as I am, it’s likely that I would have forgotten to sleep on them myself, yet we both know the importance of proper overnight incubation when it comes to corrective eye wear.

I must ask: did you pick up my glasses during your eighth or ninth foray out of bed? It’s not important. What is important is that your adamant refusal to stay in bed and go to sleep — no matter how incredibly tired you were – provided the opportunity for you to discover my glasses next to the sink where I had carelessly placed them. Judging from the scene we discovered in the bathroom, this must have been at the same time you were reorganizing your mother’s jewelry box and squirting enough lotion onto your sweet little hands to adequately moisturize the weathered claws of a lifelong deckhand on an Alaskan king crab fishing boat.

And not only did you take the time to lie on Daddy’s glasses, you went a step further by liberally applying a protective coating of saliva to the lenses, ensuring that they would not get scratched as they nestled snugly between your hairy little back and the bed. Luckily, you have the sort of saliva glands that are typically associated with mastiffs, so when I put the glasses on this morning, it was clear in a completely-blurry sort of way that you had repeatedly licked both sides of each lens. And it appeared that you may have downed a glass of milk immediately before doing so.

I shouldn’t be surprised by this kind gesture. Your personal commitment to licking all glass and reflective surfaces in our house – the television screen, the laptop display, the dining room picture window, the sliding glass door, any and all mirrors, the doors of both the oven and dishwasher, my forehead, heck, even my glasses while I’m wearing them – gives our family the peace of mind that Windex will never go out of business.

Not impressed with Daddy's sarcasm. But looking totally fab in his freshly-cleaned glasses.

Hellcat, your sp(ir)it of generosity is heartwarming.

After all, who knows what might have happened to my glasses if they’d lain out all night on the counter unattended? I shudder to think of the possibilities.

Lovingly (and teeth-grindingly),

Daddy