It was a long time ago when I first tried Chinese herbal medicine. My mom reminded me of this today while she was drinking some strange concoction of aloe vera juice, vegetable puree and who knows what else. She asked me if I wanted to taste it and when I twisted up my face and made barfing sounds (yes, I’m mature) she said, “Remember when you tried those Chinese herbs?”
See it all started because I used to have serious leg hair issues. And by serious, I mean that I had so much leg hair that a doctor in Chile once told me that I was probably half-man. Okay. Fine. He didn’t say probably. He said I was half-man and then he showed me a picture of a gorilla/hermaphrodite, pointed at me and then at the picture. You know. Just. To. Be. Clear.
Anymortifyingexperience, the worst part was that not only was I pretty much worthy of being in the circus, but the hair follicles on my legs were all infected. Because you see, I was constantly trying to rid myself of my beast-like man-legs. I tried every hair removal device under the sun. Nair, razors, wax, Epilady, medieval torture devices sold on TV infomercials… You name it. I tried it for hair removal.
But nothing worked.
Finally, I decided to try Chinese herbal medicine. I don’t remember much about the visit except for the fact that the doctor was very nice, didn’t call me a hermaphrodite and wrote out a prescription for a treatment that involved several pounds of mixed herbs I was supposed to boil and drink as a tea.
Extremely stinky and nasty-tasting herbs
I was actually pretty pumped to try the remedy. Would it work? Would my leg hair drama be over for good? Would I no longer be a contender for the Bearded Lady at the circus? And most importantly, would I be able to wear mini-skirts again?
As the warm liquid went down my throat I thought, “This isn’t so bad.” But then I began to taste it. It tasted like rubber bands and toe jam. It tasted like rotting meat and sewage. It tasted like tunafish and tampons… Blerg. I threw up in my mouth a little. I swallowed that down. It tasted less disgusting than the herbs.
I tried again. And again. For almost a week, I drank the foul herbs. I would get used to it, wouldn’t I?
I didn’t get used to it. The herbs were nasty. Chinese medicine might have cured me. But my gag reflex just couldn’t hang.
Thank God for laser hair removal. And my husband. Because several years and several thousand dollars later, my problems were finally solved. My husband took pity on me and decided to marry me despite the fact that I was a possible hermaphrodite. He paid for laser hair removal and now I just have a few stragglers left, whom I lovingly call, “my knee bangs.”
About Naomi De La Torre
I hear bangs are in this season. And, if you want to switch it up, side braids.
Twitter Name: notasupermom
I quite go for women with dreadlocks. Just saying.
Twitter Name: pocketropolis
See, what some people would call a freakish leg hair problem, others would call a talent for growing your own pants. Be optimistic! The glass is half furry, I mean FULL!
Twitter Name: GaytheistGospel
:)))
I’ve also tried a few herbal treatments to remove unwanted hair but the results were under my expectations……
A friend had a laser hair removal treatment in Toronto and the result was amazing so I decided to do the same and guess what…..no hair in the treated area, exactly what I wanted since I first started shaving.
“It tasted like tunafish and tampons”. I just cannot stop laughing at this, even though it gags me just to type the words.
OK, the description of the Chinese herbal medicine tea…I just barfed a lot all over my key board!That’s some nasty shit and that’s coming from a girl who has no gag reflex! OYE! And let’s talk about these hair issues…girl my wooly legs, unibrow and pedro above my lip almost landed me locked up in a Mexican dog pound. Pinche Mexican dog man…I can’t help it who I’m related to!Chinga Madre! LOL
Twitter Name: Truthfulmommy
How lucky are you! Two hairstyles at once. Flat iron on top, curly perm at the knees?
My leg hair is just the plain old brush-cut kind, but the lip hair? Now that’s got style versatility…
Twitter Name: writewrds
we are soulmates, naomi.
i want to get laser hair removal after baby comes. how long/how many sessions did it take for your legs?
your description of the herbs is also spot on. LMAO!
Twitter Name: erinmargolin
I’d rather eat a tampon and tunafish that use an Epilady again. I think that was the biggest garage sale item of 1986. Its probably a more effective torture device than water boarding.
Twitter Name: funnyorsnot
“Tampons and tuna fish” is gonna be with me all day.
Thanks for that.
OH, the plight of the ethnic woman.
Oh, yes: the kids over here remind their mama daily, “mom, you have such hairy arms for a woman.”
Yes, honey, the hirsute loveliness that is my curse.
Twitter Name: gdrpempress
I value the article.Much thanks again. Really Cool.