Everyone needs a partner in crime.
If that partner in crime also helps you stay fed, time to get on your knees and thank the stars above.
My PIC was my brother, that’s the beauty of a dysfunctional family. Together, we kept ourselves alive during some lean, hungry years.
While in college, my brother had discovered an off campus outreach church. This church promised free meals in exchange for church attendance. All you had to do was be there. Come, listen, and BOOM, hope your plate is ready because mac and cheese is UP!
My Brother: “It’ll be easy, come on.”
Skeptical, but hungry, Me: “Nope. Nothing’s free.”
Brother: “What could happen? We go. We walk out. Or we get fed.”
SBHM: “Alright. Go.”
And so we walk the 1/2 block from campus where soon we spot two fresh faced clean living young adults opening up the sandwich board sign welcoming all to the lunch time hour of salvation. Today’s soul saving message brought to you courtesy of spaghetti and meatballs.
Throw in some garlic bread and salad, and that’s a fair price for my soul.
Barbie and Ken: “Welcome brother and sister! We’re glad you’re here!”
I start to sweat because I know this is not going to be as easy of a kill as my brother thinks.
“Hey!,” my brother greets Ken and Barbie back. “We’re glad to be here, too!”
Me: “Crappity crap crap crap.”
My Brother: “Shuttup. We’ll be fine. Sit, listen, and eat.”
We sit and listen.
We sit and listen and watch writhing.
We sit and listen and watch writhing that comes with eye rolling and sounds from the Disappearing Language Alliance.
Me: “Oh my god, let’s go — I think I have 4 quarters at the bottom of my purse. We’ll go get pancakes at IHOP .”
Brother: “Shit. Let’s go.”
I pick up my purse, my brother puts his shoes back on his feet. We both start sliding our bony asses down the pew, ready to run once we reach the end of the wooden bench. We stand.
Then, silence. The shouting and stop drop and roll demonstration halts. They see us getting ready to bolt. With the sale not closed.
“Hold on, brother and sister! You can’t leave without nourishing your body or your soul! Come join us in spirit and hear what your starving soul led you here today to hear. Let us feed you in a way that you have not been fed before!”
Me: ::hissing::”Dammit. Now what!?”
Brother: ::hissing harder back:: “I don’t know. I’ll ask them what they want.”
Brother: “Shoot–tell us what you want to hear.”
Church of the Almighty Meal: “Let the spirit inside speak! Let us know you’ve heard our message today!”
My brother: ::I swear to god he said this:: “Can we eat then? If we show you we heard, can we eat?”
“Yes, brother, you will be fed. In all the ways you need to be fed.”
And then I watch horrified as my brother throws his body on the ground and rolls around as if Texas Red Fire Ants are on him. He thrashes and starts clicking the roof of his mouth and staring blindly into space.
Oh.my.god. My brother has the nerve to lock eyes on me: “You.Now.On the ground. And don’t be a lady about it.”
I am scared and desperate and hypoglycemic enough to do it. Pathetically, evidently.
“More eye rolling, more moaning,” my brother coaches while he rolls toward me.
I give it all I’ve got.
We must’ve earned our noodles, because suddenly hands are helping us up, the soul rockers satisfied that we have rocked our souls.
We brush the carpet lint off our clothes, I smooth my hair down. We follow every one downstairs as if nothing has happened, for Soul Night: Italian Style.
Because eating spaghetti and meatballs is evidently the meal of choice when you’ve worked yourself into a frenzy.
I wish I could say I enjoyed the meal, but spaghetti sauce isn’t the easiest thing to take when you’ve bitten your tongue.
About Alexandra
What a thrill to be on Aiming Low.
I can remember first coming here, two years ago, and wishing and hoping I’d somehow be able to fanagle my way in here.
Thank you so much, everyone at AL, for helping me out and allowing me here.
It’s a thrill, a thrill, a thrill.
Thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!
Twitter Name: gdrpempress
Oooh, Alexandra this does look like s super swell place to hang out. That is not a story most siblings probably have to tell, and I just loved it! It does seem that soup might’ve been a more welcome post-convulsion food!
Soup??
As in pea green Linda Blair’s recipe soup?
No, thank you.
Thanks for stopping by, fun to see you here.
Twitter Name: gdrpempress
I would totally do a holy roll for some food sauce. And a um… roll.
Love hearing your stories! :)
Twitter Name: wombatcentral
Gah. GOOD sauce. Not food sauce. Where’s the “delete comment so I don’t look like an idiot” button when you need it?
Twitter Name: wombatcentral
Wombat:
My special friend, wombat.
I will always love you for bring me Marshall’s high school picture.
Always.
xo
Twitter Name: gdrpempress
Yep, nothing is ever that easy and nothing comes without a price. Sounds like you paid in full!
See?
I told him that.
I knew it.
And it was much more painful and time consuming than the word count here allows.
Stay tuned for the chapter book:
xo
Twitter Name: gdrpempress
No you didn’t. You did? You spoke in tongues for Ken and Barbie Spaghetti and meatballs? The Hare Krishnas used to serve really great vegetarian meals in Brooklyn, and you didn’t have to shave your head or dress in orange to prove you deserved the meal. Congrats on Aiming Low!! That’s major.
Twitter Name: kblooey
Kablooey:
If I had five more hours, I’d tell you the whole story.
Wish we knew each other in college: we would’ve had so much fun together.
I can just tell.
But my brother would’ve kept hitting on you, so there’s that…
Thanks for always loving on me, faithful friend.
Twitter Name: gdrpempress
Does your brother have a blog too? :)
Love your stories, love seeing you here!
Twitter Name: MamaWantsThis
My brother should have a blog.
My two sisters should have a blog.
My younger brother–of whom we still cannot speak–should DEFINITELY have a blog.
Like I said: the beauty of dysfunctionality…30 years after the point.
Emotional Distance is a wondrous thing…
Twitter Name: gdrpempress
I don’t think I could have done it.
Twitter Name: Unknown Mami
Unknown Mami:
Yes, you would have..there was NO WAY OUT.
Don’t forget to factor in the starvation.
Hunger is a powerful motivator.
Twitter Name: gdrpempress
Yay for being on Aiming Low!!!
As for the rest…I hope you got to take home the leftovers…you totally earned them.
Left overs?
Are you kidding?
We were starving college students…..
xo
Twitter Name: gdrpempress
Oh no seriously? That is so funny! Poor young deluded starving things.
Twitter Name: aladyinfrance
Oh, Jennie: I wish you could see my older brother act this out.
I love my brother.
He still makes me laugh like few people can.
Thanks for always coming by, you’re good stuff.
xo
Twitter Name: gdrpempress
It’s good to know you’re cheap and needy. I’ll keep that in mind if we ever get together.
m.
Twitter Name: Rsimplelives
C & N.
How did you know that was my nickname in college?
Love you, Mark.
I’m still holding out hope that we can do BlogHer 12 together…we’d have a great time.
xo
Twitter Name: gdrpempress
have you ever snorted hot coffee out your nose…that is my demonstration at the spirit of your write…ha…been there…lol….oy, my wife slid down the pew and hid in the corner as i did theholy conga line once to get us out of somewhere…lol
Brian:
I owe you a page long email thanking you for how happy you make me knowing that I cause nasal enemas in the morning.
My life: so beautiful.
Thank you, for so very much, B.
Virtual hugs always..
Twitter Name: gdrpempress
Why am I not surprised that you get to hang with the cool kids, Alexandra? So thrilled to see you here!
Twitter Name: thekitchwitch
You wear them down, Kitchy!
You don’t go away and you keep on ringing that doorbell till someone comes to the door with the candy.
Oh, wait..that’s my 9 yr.old talking…
Thanks for coming. I am so happy to be here.
xo
I love your stories very, very much: the reason I stop at your blog: your stories.
Twitter Name: gdrpempress
Congrats big time on making your debut on Aiming Low. Also, congrats on making me laugh the morning after too much wine and not enough sleep. You are awesome!!! :)
Love to make you laugh, pretty, pretty lady.
xo
Twitter Name: gdrpempress
Oh. My. God. This is too much. Really. I can’t believe you actually DID IT. I mean, hunger is a persuasive beast, but holy…can we swear here? Anyway, I hope you enjoyed your meal, sliced tongue and all.
Twitter Name: LauraMiri
Happy to have made you smile.
My brother, I adore my brother.
Can I tell you, these stories: we never tire of the dramatic re enactments.
Lovely to meet you!!
Twitter Name: gdrpempress
I once ran across when of the usher from my church at the grocery . Apparently……my absence had been noted and mentioned he hadn’t seen me there for a spell.
Me? I told him I must have coming at funny times and just missed him. Oops.
Mrs. Tuna:
You are a funny, funny lady.
Happy to see you here.
Twitter Name: gdrpempress
I love SBHY! That was hilarious. I’ve done a lot worse for spaghetti and meatballs. Great debut.
Twitter Name: funnyorsnot
Poppy:
Food, food , and the need for it:
forgives all our actions.
You are absolved..
Twitter Name: gdrpempress
Really? Honestly? Wow! You guys were good. I took a BFA in theatre specializing in acting, and I doubt I could have given it the effort you two did. Impressed from Canada. They meant well of course, and you were fed. It’s all good.
Dana
Twitter Name: bungalow_56
I know, but we were hungry!
And I was mortified,,,and I just did what my brother told me to do.
Oh my gosh..I hang my head in shame..
Twitter Name: gdrpempress
This is hilarious. Did youget nominated for an extra roll of bread for that performance?
Hahha.
Kimmy:
Why we have to meet half way and talk.
Would be so good for both of us, you know?
Love you, sweet cheeks.
xo
Twitter Name: gdrpempress
Great story – it simultaneously made me laugh out loud and hold my hand over my mouth and say “Nuh-uh” over and over again.
Twitter Name: about100percent
Oh, it’s all true.
Some things, our souls just won’t let us forget.
xo
Thanks for coming by, and I’m so glad I had you in suspended disbelief.
xo
Twitter Name: gdrpempress
Lookey you on AL! Sweet.
I’ve done a few “dinner theater” performances of different types in lean times, but I’ve never been possessed. Clearly I didn’t know it was an option, though, because I would have!
Twitter Name: debontherocks
I KNOW!
*High five* to AL!
And a thousand thank you s, curtsies, and forehead to knees bows.
xo
(Thanks for coming by, my wonderful friend..xo)
Twitter Name: gdrpempress
No. Way. You didn’t. That is too too hilarious. Oh, I wish I could have seen it! I tell you what, I love Jesus, but I’ve never wanted spaghetti and meatballs enough to speak in tongues. :-)
Dusty:
Oh, Dusty.
It was a dark day when I sold my soul for a bowl of spaghetti and meatballs.
Hunger, a poweful motivator.
Supposedly, Madonna’s excuse, too.
xo
Twitter Name: gdrpempress
Oh. my. word. I am laughing hysterically! Totally brings back memories of my grandmothers pentecostal church. Awesome story and congrats on writing here! Totally a perfect fit for ya
Twitter Name: imperfectmomma
Yay.
You know, this is why I do what I do: to have someone who may be on the verge of tears: burst out in laughter instead.
True story.
xo love you, mama.
Twitter Name: gdrpempress
Best. Story. EVER. Thatisall.
More?
Did you say you want more?
Wish I could say that would be a problem.
xo
Twitter Name: gdrpempress
Congrats, Empress! It’s a true joy to have you here at AL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You and A to thank, mama.
xo
Twitter Name: gdrpempress
I’m always wary of people who call me sister. Now, I know how to appease them AND get food.
Twitter Name: TamingInsanity
You make me laugh.
There is a librarian in town, who always greets me with sister.
I think she secretly reads my blog because I HAVE NO IDEA IN HELL WHO SHE IS.
Twitter Name: gdrpempress
This story tells me so much about you that needed answering. You would have to work very hard, with life experiences like that, to NOT be a humor writer. I would now like to hear what your Thanksgiving dinners were like growing up, immigrant confusion and all…
hilarious!
Twitter Name: midlifemixtape
Nancy:
At the time, I had no idea it was history in the making.
Who knew?
All of it, so very lovely.
xo
Twitter Name: gdrpempress
The things we will do for food. I totally get. I really do. But this was hilarious. I can’t believe you and your brother writhed for spaghetti. Best story ever.
And congrats on Aiming Low! Big hugs.
Twitter Name: theflyingchlupa
Chalupa:
Would you believe? My brother can retell this story like astonishingly.
Cracks my teens up every time.
You’d love a family visit here.
xo
Twitter Name: gdrpempress
LOL! I also love this “aiming low” theme. And I don’t know how I feel about the fact that your story reminds me of one too many such stories in my own life, including the time not that long ago when a friend convinced my husband, son and I to crash a Chinese church group Christmas dinner potluck buffet. We are not churchgoers but were salivating at all the free homemade Chinese food…
See?
Not so bad, when you can relate, right?
Hunger…and a hot meal.
Come on…
xo
Twitter Name: gdrpempress
GAH!
WHAT?
ARE you????
Oh my god.
That was crazy cakes. CRAZY SPAGHETTI AND JESUS CAKES.
Twitter Name: TheSuniverse
The fact that you think I’m crazy makes me beam with pride.
Suni thinks I’m crazy: it doesn’t get any better than that.
Love you, woman.
Twitter Name: gdrpempress
Hey, thanks for the blog article.Thanks Again. Much obliged.