I’ve been thinking a lot about teen sex lately. I think it’s because the daughter of a friend just decided the time was “right” for her. But I decided the time wasn’t right for me for her to have sex – and I just couldn’t figure out why. Why was I so concerned about her having sex? Why was I so bothered and freaked out? Why did “I” worry?
I decided I was less worried about the physical act of sex but more the emotional impact this would have on her now and in the future. I worried that her heart was in jeopardy of a boy deciding “he got what he wanted” to then break up with her. I was worried she had been too hasty in her decision.
Then…I looked back at my own life. And I realized that this has more to do with how my emotional health was impacted by sex at a young age. I don’t think we as women, young and old, realize that sex is more than a physical act. Sex is also an emotional attachment. Our bodies react different than boys; it’s called the “love hormone” or the scientific name is oxytocin. This hormone will engage when we are physically connected and also when we feel romantically attached.
So I decided THAT was what worries me – we think we can disconnect emotionally after sex when in reality our bodies don’t work that way.
What is my point? It’s simple. There is no such thing as casual sex. There is no such thing as just doing it without having an emotional response, which by the way, will last longer than the physical act of sex. Your body will respond and you need to think about the larger impact this will have for you.
Who is this boy? Is your heart ready? What if he breaks up with you afterwards? If you consider this and you still want to move forward, just remember to always be safe – safe with your body and your soul.
Your body is sacred – treat it right.
Until next time…
About Lori Luna
I think this concept is difficult to understand until you’ve experienced it, but we have to try to impress upon our girls how powerful this effect is.
Well said.
Twitter Name: msmegan
Thanks Megan – and you are right! It’s easier said than done but we have to continue to send this message out :)
Twitter Name: loriluna
Everybody’s journey is different. Would that no one would experience a painful one.
Twitter Name: Unknown Mami
Ah yes, indeed. We all travel a different yet similar path. I only hope we do it with care and caution for our hearts, body and souls :)
Twitter Name: loriluna
Very well said, Lori. It’s so challenging to try to impart to young women that this is something they cannot undo and it has lifelong repercussions. I’m sure that’s a harsh word for it, but true, nonetheless.
You are so right, the undo button doesn’t exist. Heavy sigh. :)
The question is, would we do it the same if we knew then what we know now – for me, YES. I would have done things different.
Twitter Name: loriluna
Me too. If I could have a ‘do over’ I would do it in a heart beat.
Auggghhhhhh…it’s like you’re reading my mind. My daughter is only 11 but I know these issues are right around the corner, really. I plan to have extensive talks with her about all aspects of being sexually active, but the emotional especially because boys WILL get you to have sex with them and then break up with you and/or tell the whole world about it and I DON’T want her to train herself to disconnect emotionally just so she can have meaningless sex. That would break my heart.
My big pitch for that whole scenario is “It’s better to be wanted than had” and I hope that mantra will always be in her head and help her with the emotional roller coaster ride that is dating and sex.
Twitter Name: Izzymom
My daughters are now 14 and only now starting to think about boys (I was boy crazy a lot earlier than that!)
What I remind them is that they are still young, no need to ‘date’ at this age and if I have anything to do with it they won’t for a long time.
Most of their friends have ‘BF’s’ but I don’t care. They are free to go out with their guy and gal friends as a group but in no way or how do I want them to consider a ‘relationship’ with a guy at this age.
They are fine with this (so far..)
I had more freedom growing up and as a result of not feeling terribly loved at home I sought it from guys. How wonderful it was to be told I was special, loved. To be hugged and kissed.
Unfortunately after dating a guy 2 years older than I for some time and being pressured every which way you can imagine to have sex I finally did. Only AFTER he told all my closest friends that we were not ‘doing it’ and they pressured me to do it. Oy. Can we talk about PEER PRESSURE?!
I was a week away from turning 15, he was 17. No protection used, NOTHING. Continued relations for a few months. Until I walked in on him and some other girl in the sack. Lovely. Heart breaking.
But he LOVED me so I took him back. Sigh. After I finally grew up a bit it was over. I did not seriously date or sleep with anyone for many years. It was that painful.
I would completely hate for either of my daughters to go through what I did. Granted they come from a loving, affectionate family where they know how special they are. I truly HOPE there is no need to seek validation else where and trust me and my opinions.
Someday soon I am going to have to tell them my story and hope they get something out of it. I dread telling them how young I was but if it helps them with their decisions then so be it right?
I have NEVER had casual sex. Part of me kicks myself for one or two situations where I kind of regret it (in my 20′s) but truly I am pretty sure I could not have pulled it off without becoming emotionally involved.
You are so right. Sex may be a physical ‘act’ but it is a very emotional one too. Not to be entered into lightly OR too damned young…
I have friends that have had flings, one nighters and the like who CAN pull it off and power to them. Just not me I guess.
Sorry for the ramble! You poked one of my tender spots :)
Thanks for taking the time to comment and share – it’s never a “ramble” to me :)
Keep up the good work with your girls, it will matter in the long run!
xo
Twitter Name: loriluna
Well said, so very well said.
Twitter Name: DExtraordinaire
Thank you Heather!
xo
Twitter Name: loriluna