I blame my mother for the loss of my virginity.
I mean, it was going to happen eventually no matter what my mother said or did (I am not nun material), but I blame her specifically for when and with whom.
I owe her both a “thank you” and a “what the hell were you thinking?”
My mother never told me to wait until I got married. She was, however, very clear that I should wait to have sex until I was in love. She was very honest with me about her first time and the regret that followed, an openness I’m still grateful for to this day. I think my mom was trying to be realistic, a goal I can appreciate now that I’m a parent.
Surprisingly, I actually listened to my mother about this one thing.
I waited to have sex for the first time until I was absolutely certain I was in love. I was about a month away from my 16th birthday (which sounds so much better than saying I was 15) and I was in my first serious relationship. I was head over heels in love and absolutely certain no one ever had or ever would experience a love as intense as I had with my then boyfriend. (For what it’s worth, I’m still convinced that was an important relationship.)
My first time was everything the movies said it should be. It was special, planned, and involved candles and whispered declarations of forever. We were both scared but in love and I had absolutely no regrets about my decision the next morning.
To be honest, I still don’t regret that decision.
What I regret were the decisions I would make after that one.
You see, that boy would eventually break my heart. We would break up and he would get himself a new girlfriend. I was devastated. Broken. There were days when my mother rightly feared I was suicidal. And then I started talking to new boys. The question of sex came up with these new boys and the answer was almost always yes.
I mean, why not?
I no longer had my virginity to consider so what the hell did it matter? It was just sex.
I remember those words playing through my head over and over again during several encounters with boys I didn’t love and who I knew sure as hell didn’t love me. It’s just sex.
It wasn’t until I was married that it stopped being just sex and I wished I could take back all of those other experiences. I hated that I didn’t have anything special to share with my husband (and, to be fair, that he didn’t have anything sacred to give to me.)
But I still didn’t regret my first time.
It’s not the first time I wish I could take back or — obviously — my husband; it’s all the unimportant people in between that I didn’t think mattered. I wish I knew then how much it would matter later, how much I mattered, even if I wasn’t a virgin.
Back to my mom. I’m glad I was in love the first time I had sex, grateful that she had given me that advice. I kind of wish she’d told me that my first love might not last, that she would have warned me about the no-man’s land in between the first love and forever love.
I wonder what I would have done differently.
About Britt Reints
I think about this ALL THE TIME, wondering how I would council my own daughter someday to help her avoid the pitfall of thinking that not being a virgin anymore means there’s no reason hold off on having sex with subsequent love interests if they are not worthy. You articulated this so beautifully. Thank you!
Such a great commentary.
It was understood from my parents that I wouldn’t have sex until I was married, period, end of discussion. That was such an unrealistic expectation (I got married at 27). I was left to figure it all out on my own. When I did decide to start having sex, I picked a really bad “first.” He literally made me sick, because he was not monogamous. Do I regret that sexual relationship? I don’t know. But I do wish I’d had more knowledge and been more firm about using protection.
The ones between that one and my husband, I, too, probably could have done without. I think, however, that each relationship taught me something that better prepared me to accept my relationship with my husband, because if I had been with him first, I might not have realized how good I had it. Does that make sense?
Anyway, I think it’s awesome that your mom at least had some reasonable sense about her child and sex. I hope that I’ll better prepare my child(ren), too.
I love that you are talking about these things here.
My mom, who until they divorced had only ever slept with my father, gave us no advice. Actually, she didn’t give me any advice but maybe that was because I was a super nerd/athlete and totally out of the loop on boys for most of high school.
I wish she had given me some advice because man, I regret a few of those college and mid-20′s choices. At the time they were fun but now they are mostly regrets.
I only have a son so far and am hopeful he’ll wait to have sex. Maybe not for marriage but at least until he’s out of high school.
Great writing – thanks!
Twitter Name: Rachel Jonat
I wish my mom had talked more openly with me about sex before I lost my virginity. She was 16 when she met my dad and when I was nearing puberty, she gave me a box full of feminine products and a booklet explaining what was happening to my body. I remember that day so clearly, and the years I waited to actually become a “woman”. I don’t remember having the sex talk with her at all.
I did not lose my virginity willingly, I lost it date rape style before date rape was even a recognized crime. Yeah, it was traumatic. when I gave myself willingly the first time, I was sure that this was my true love forever. I came of age in the late 70′s when make love not war was still a saying (and happening).
I don’t regret that my (ex)husband wasn’t my first, however I was ashamed of the number of experiences I had had prior to meeting him. I was his third, which at the time seemed weird because everyone was doing a LOT with a LOT of people (or so I thought).
He never asked about my past partners and I didn’t tell him anything except about the rape and the one dude (yeah a dude) I dated for 4 years. Then 15 years in, my marriage I wanted out and that’s when I tried to intentionally hurt him so he would let me go… then I let it fly and that is what I truly regret: Using my past sexcapades to hurt him into letting me out of the marriage. God I hate myself for that.
My current hubby of 11 years, well, I was his second. I’ve never volunteered any of my past and he’s never asked (thank goodness) but then I am not the same person in my teens and very early twenties.
I’ll have to ask my daughter how I prepared her because honestly I don’t remember (chemo erased part of my memories) but just recently found out that she too was the victim of date rape in her teens. sigh…
Thanks for the thought provoking post.
My mother was convinced that sex before marriage = slut, and that there wasn’t much worse in life than being thought a slut.
Although I didn’t wait until marriage (thank goodness b/c I was 32 when I got married) I was 22 the first time I had sex. I was in love and it was worth waiting for.
But…now that I’m in my 40′s and married over a decade, well, I have some regrets.
I wish I had more sexual memories. I wish I had experimented more. I wish I had been more comfortable with my body, and more open with the men that I did sleep with between my first and my forever. I’m not saying I wish I had slept around, but I do wish I’d been more wild with the men I did sleep with. I kind of wish I had some crazy college dorm room swinging from the chandelier all-night long sex. And I really wish I had at least one experience with another woman.
OMG, my mother would be horrified if she read this! hehe
I’m glad I don’t have a daughter, because while I would almost feel obligated to tell her to wait, I would also want to tell her to explore and experience while she had a chance.
Maybe it isn’t so much about waiting until you are married, as it is waiting until you are truly ready and confident in who you are, and then never selling yourself short with your experiences after that.
Twitter Name: momneedstherapy
GReat way of looking at it.I think that is an important step that our parent’s forgot to tell us, that our first love may not be our last love. I also think aside from being in love that our children should be made aware that they need to mature enough to handle whatever the consequences sex may hold with it.
Twitter Name: Truthfulmommy
Thank you for sharing this. What’s really sticking with me is this: I wish I knew then how much it would matter later, how much I mattered, even if I wasn’t a virgin. I think that’s so huge, remembering how much you matter, no matter what you’ve already done or experienced.
This post really resonates with me. I had a similar experience, though I was older than you when I had sex for the first time. However, after the first person, I think I treated the whole sexual experience much too cavalierly. I wish, now, that I would have used the same care in selecting ALL of my partners as I did my first, if that makes sense.
Twitter Name: angelaamman
What a bold, honest and thoughtful post.
From a man’s perspective, I wish I had been more choosy with my first full sexual experience. (My first weekend in college, some upperclassmen hooked me up with the easiest girl on campus.)
I’m dismayed that so many women feel they must ‘give it up’ in order to be interesting to men, because so many other women have discounted the cost of sex. I read that one-third of first-time online dates result in sex. Haven’t these women read “The Rules”?
RW Bennett, author of ‘Love.com’
Twitter Name: rw_bennett
Awesome post. I couldn’t have put it better myself and I’m glad you are making the point of while you don’t regret the decision, you still might’ve done things differently. I completely agree. Thanks for sharing!
Love this post……oh the memories. Remember our couch?? LOL
I have no idea what I’m going to say to my daughters. I guess I’ll tell them that at least in my experience it’s never “just sex”.
Twitter Name: Unknown Mami
Oh, wow. This resonates with me so clearly. My husband did have something sacred to give me when we decided to sleep together. Like you, I don’t regret that first relationship, although I might have made some of the following decisions I did. I did spend time wishing I had something more offer him, but then I realized I am enough for him. That’s pretty cool.
Thank you for this. I’m probably in the very slim minority who can say that my first love IS my last love – I married my high school sweetheart. I didn’t really have the experience of falling in and out of love (or what felt like true love) with different people, and though I’m sure I knew subconsciously it on some level, I never really clarified the thought that like most people, my kids will probably have several relationships before finding The One (if that’s their choice to do so).
I’m (too rapidly) getting to the time when I’ll need to have this level of conversation with my oldest son and daughter (twins). This is good advice to remember to give them. I’m bookmarking this one in my list of Good Things to Remember.
Twitter Name: JWMoxie
My first love didn’t come along until I was 19. There are times when I wish he was my first (I was his), but I don’t regret the way it played out. I’m glad I waited until I was in college to lose my virginity because I think I probably would have done exactly the same thing you did. As it was I had some impulsive moments before I found a lasting relationship.
It does get easy to just have sex on a whim once you’ve gotten that first time out of the way.
A really good reason to wait until some semblence of maturity sets in.
Twitter Name: msmegan