Kids Birthday Parties: You Say “Cheap”, I Say “Retro”!

This article has nothing at all to do with the fact that I JUST SOLD A KIDNEY to pay for my son’s birthday party. It’s just that “retro chic” is rocking the fashion world and I am down with that! If we can wear platform shoes and cat-eye glasses, why can’t we go back in time for the prices joys of simpler kids birthday parties! I say we can! And now I will stop using exclamation points! Or maybe not!

2011 Party: Wanda’s Winter Wonderland (in July!) Precious little Wanda is turning 4! What an accomplishment! Haul in a truckload of fake snow for front-yard sledding, serve venison burgers and Vosges Haut hot chocolate, kids go home with goodie bag of Carradan skis personally autographed by Picabo Street.

Retro Party: Wanda’s Winter Wonderland (in January!) Have the neighborhood kids over for little Wanda’s 4th and a half-th birthday in a real blizzard! Bone-chilling fun! Serve whatever you managed to grab at the A&P before it closed due to extreme weather conditions.  Kids go home with a hot baked potato stuffed into their mitten and a lecture about helping to shovel the snow so that their parents don’t drop dead of a heart attack in the driveway.

2011 Party: Sammy’s Sleepover at FAO Schwartz! Get picked up in a limo and driven to the mother of all toy stores, FAO Schwartz. Run screaming through the Expensive Fragile Doll Floor with the understanding that “whatever you break, Sammy’s Daddy buys!” Eat free-range hot dogs barbecued by real elves flown in from the ‘Pole and snooze in endangered species duck down sleeping bags. Go home with goody bag full of replacement toys for all the ones you broke.

Retro Party: Sammy’s Sleepover at Mrs. Schwartz’s house! Sammy’s Daddy’s “friend” Mrs. Schwartz has said that Sammy’s Mommy is no fun and sure, all his 9-year old buddies can sleep over at her bungalow! (Including Sammy’s Daddy! What a nice lady!) Eat hot dogs and drink “Harvey Wallbangers” which taste kinda like orange juice but make your head fuzzy and suddenly it looks like there are three nice Mrs. Schwartzes. Go home with a goody bag of small thin balloons in individual wrappers and a worn copy of the Kama Sutra.

So what do you say, parents? Are we going to give in to the ‘Tween Eyebrow Threading Birthday Gala or the 17 Separate Bouncy Castles Extravaganza or will we put our feet down and make them play Pin the Tail On The Same Donkey From Our Older Brother’s Party Six Months Ago? I say it’s time to kick it old school! With exclamation points!

About Dusty

Shari is the co-author of the comedy, "Maybe Baby, It's You" (Dramatic Publishing, Inc.) and the editor of New Jersey Mommy Poppins. She is also the evil semi-genius behind the blog "Earth Mother just means I'm dusty". Shari lives with her four children (two human, two pug) and her bemused husband in the distant land of Hoboken.

Comments

  1. Very funny, and just having thrown our baby’s first birthday party, I can relate. I’ll admit, my wife handled most of the planning, which is good, because if I saw the bill there would be trouble at home, for sure.
    For some reason, the hype around the kids’ birthday parties fascinates me. I wrote about it for the past week or so. Here’s my last post: http://daddybydefault.com/pros-and-cons-of-babys-first-birthday-party/

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  2. TexasRed says:

    Fantastic! Planning our boys’ first birthday party now. Unlike the ones in the local paper, there will be no pony-drawn carriage-rides. I am planning to make cupcakes, though. Mostly so they don’t spit all over the rest of our food while trying to blow out candles!

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  3. That party with the baked potato mittens and blizzard? I think I attended that one when I was a kid. How did you know?

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  4. I think I was there with you. And nothing tastes better than a baked potato out of a mitten, right?

  5. Alexandra says:

    That last party scared me.

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  6. What about in contrast to a party where Mom and Dad rent a pony and do rides, they take the kids to a REAL farm and let them do some picking – grapes, strawberries, cotton? Children are low to the ground anyway and probably won’t notice when the hosts pocket the meager wages. Just remember to have them wash hands before eating cake, so any fungicides get rinsed off.

    Fun for ALL!

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