Herein I present the top six products whose commercials make me want to curl up in a ball and die. I firmly believe there are certain things we just don’t need advertisements for. I don’t wanna talk about them, I don’t wanna hear about them, and I don’t want to have to explain this kind of shit to my kids (i.e. “Mommy, what are hemmorhoids?”).
Who’s with me? Can’t we all agree there should be a category of unmentionables, things which simply should not be publicly discussed? If you don’t know what it is, Google it or ask your doctor. Sooner or later everyone figures stuff out. For the record, here’s a convenient list of things I don’t wanna hear about while watching television with my parents, in-laws, neighbors, etc.:
1. Anusol (See also: Preparation H, Tucks). Seriously? I have enough of my own ass problems, I don’t want to watch two people walk hand-in-hand along some idyllic beach talking about theirs. Nor do I want to see someone wincing when seated and squirming around. We all know what that means. Just get your gloves on and shove it where the sun don’t shine.
2. Tampons. Yes, women have menstrual cycles. Sometimes they’re even in sync and stuff. Some days are heavy, others are light, and have no fear, you can still be all sporty and go swimming thanks to these giant cotton wads. Now shutup and stuff it!
3. Viagra. Fine– some guys have a little trouble getting it up. But dudes, keep your secrets in your pants because I do not want to imagine a bunch of floppy Oscar Mayer wieners in my head. Just pop your magic blue pills and banish your erectile dysfunction quickly and quietly.
4. Beano (See also: Gas-X). God knows we all cut the cheese from time to time. Perhaps we pregnant women do so more frequently than others. Pffffffft. Still, it’s unnecessary to advertise bloated people grabbing their bellies in agony and bottles of Beano being passed around. Flatulence stinks, but get a grip.
5. Immodium (See also: Pepto Bismol). Diarrhea is a total buzzkill, there’s no doubt about it. But when I’m enjoying a particularly good episode of Gossip Girl or Grey’s Anatomy, I refuse to think about the runs. Suck down your nasty pink or greyish-green cocktail and cross those legs!
6. Summer’s Eve Feminine Wash (See also: Deodorant Spray). This just pisses me off because there is no equivalent for men and their genitalia. What, do men think their junk smells like roses? Why do vaginas get all the fishy flack? Puh-lease!
I could go on, but I’m getting embarrassed. What would you add to this list?
About Erin Margolin
You were born to do this. I could read this all day.
I would vote a big fat NO on ANYTHING involving incontinence. Meds, pads, diapers. Not for me.
Oooh, yes, perfect addition!
Stay tuned for a post I have coming up on Halloween, wherein I totally humiliate myself with retro photos from Halloweens past. Snort!
xoxo
Twitter Name: erinmargolin
OMG the toe fungus ads KILL ME!
Twitter Name: Adriennevh
Ewwww! Those are nasty. With the flaming toes and all? Yuck. Nice addition to my list!
;-)
Twitter Name: erinmargolin
Anything to do with thrush, incontinence, periods, feet, piles, feminine itching etc
We know these products exists we don’t need to see glamourous models pretending to suffer the ill effects of these bodily functions.
Twitter Name: vbincatalunya
Wendy,
Wait, I’ve been missing out on the thrush commercials?!?! Where have I been??
Twitter Name: erinmargolin
I hate the cartoon bears that always worry about leaving toilet paper residue on their butts. Is this a real concern humans have?
Also, the new Huggies commercials where the cartoon babies are apparently in a contest to take the biggest crap. Wha?
In general I’m disgusted that prescription drugs are allowed to be advertized on television. “Take this extra pill if your depression is still there. Ask your doctor about ____.” These commercials SELL DRUGS. Drugs are necessary to control symptoms. They shouldn’t be marketed to the consumer like breath mints.
Jack,
You are spot on about those Charmin commercials. I didn’t even *think* of those, but you’re totally right. So gross. Stupid bears.
And I’m with you on the drugs, especially since I take anti-depressants. So tired of seeing all the sad people. Le sigh.
Twitter Name: erinmargolin
Erin, this is great.
You , I agree, are meant to be doing this.
xo
Twitter Name: gdrpempress
Alexandra,
You are too sweet. Thank you!
;-)
xo
Twitter Name: erinmargolin
Lol. Totally agree. Though I have one complaint…I may never eat oscar mayer ever again.
Twitter Name: imperfectmomma
ImperfectMomma,
I’m so sorry if I’ve ruined Oscar Mayer for you… I’ve had a special love affair with their hot dogs since I’ve been pregnant, LOL!
Twitter Name: erinmargolin
I hate birth control commercials where skinny girls are sitting around chatting and then one must be a pharmacist cause she spouts off all the facts about side effects and such.
I am loving your posts on here BTW!
Thank you, Leigh!
Yeah, I hate those, too. Like those situations/conversations actually happen? The things they say don’t even sound normal or natural. Snort!
Twitter Name: erinmargolin
I agree with all of these! With an extra amen for the ED commercials. seriously.
Twitter Name: fromtracie
Tracie,
I’m so glad we’re on the same page. There are just certain things that don’t need to be advertised, ya know?!? Drives me crazy!
Twitter Name: erinmargolin
Mucinex. Just the word makes me gag.
Also, I disapprove of ads where sweet ladies discretely sniff their armpits to check for odor.
Mostly because I do this and the commercial makes me think it’s wrong.
Twitter Name: julie gardner
Julie,
I think the fact that you just confessed you sniff your pits makes me love you even more. But honestly? You look like the type who could never possibly smell even remotely bad. So I kinda resent you for that.
Just sayin.
;-)
xoxo
Twitter Name: erinmargolin
The toe fungus ones are nasty! My husband has toe fungus so I see it every day, I DO NOT need a commercial to remind me that it’s gross.
Also, the mucous ones, where those little mucous monsters move into peoples noses and stuff…just wrong.
And don’t even get me started on the stupid bears with the t.p. stuck to their bums. I want to know of one person that has actually happened to.
Wait, no. I don’t want to know.
Thanks, Erin, for saying what we’ve all been thinking. Let’s hope some ad execs are reading!
Cathy,
Yes, the Charmin bears make me want to hurl. I can’t believe I left those out. And like bears wipe their asses, anyway?
Toe fungus, too. Maybe you should’ve written this list!! You’re good!
Twitter Name: erinmargolin
100% agree with you on this, Erin. Have you ever seen the room freshener commercial where they blindfold the girls and take them through a skeevy restaurant kitchen with molding meat on the counters? Uh…HURL.
Dusty,
Isn’t that the new Febreeze commercial? YES, that totally grosses me out. Or maybe I’m getting confused with another commercial. Either way, yes, totes NASTY.
Have you also seen the one about the guy who is working out w/ his personal trainer who tells him to breathe & he reluctantly exhales and these cartoony-like onions float up and out of his mouth while he looks guilt-stricken? Ew.
Twitter Name: erinmargolin
Yeah….those commercials can also be re-spun as ads for the date rape drugs.
marathonmom,
OMG, so true!
Twitter Name: erinmargolin
Oh God – all those Canestan/Monistat commercials. Seriously on the rare occasions I watch TV with my Dad we both go incredibly silent. Cause you can’t talk about vaginas in a commercial without a man thinking about vaginas and a man should not be thinking about vaginas with his daughter seated next to him. That’s just creepy.
Also, I find most car ads skeezy because they feature cars driving fast on wet, windy roads. And then they say their car can handle that. And then they say “closed course, professional driver, do not attempt at home.” So what’s the point to your emeffing car then?
Twitter Name: ReadilyAParent
Dara,
HOW COULD I FUCKING FORGET MONISTAT?!?!?!
SHIT. I totally suck. And yes—dads should not be thinking about vaginas while seated next to their daughters. And there really should be NO VAGINA-RELATED commercials, PERIOD. Oops, did I say period?
LOL
Twitter Name: erinmargolin
Ped Egg… do they have to make it look like an egg and a cheese grater at the same time? So sick!
srsly – who needs both?
Davina,
ewwwwww, I’m glad I didn’t think of that one til you just brought it up. Now I’m nauseous! hee hee
Twitter Name: erinmargolin
Yes, nothing says anatomy lesson while watching TV with your kids and this stuff comes on. But you forgot the KY/Trojan/Personal Appliance ads with the 60yo woman and the 20-something gals. Uh, just b/c grandpa’s been taking his viagra/cialis/schlonganator/erecto5000 pills doesn’t mean I need to know that grandma’s massaging the muffin. Some things do not need to be on TV!
Twitter Name: saving4someday
Massaging the muffin. I die.
Twitter Name: shuggilippo
Sara,
“massaging the muffin?” I’M DYING OVER HERE. That is going to be one of my new expressions, m’kay? Shoot, all these comments are making me realize how many things I left off this list. I loathe the Trojan & KY commercials. Fortunately my kids aren’t old enough yet where I can’t distract them and change the subject without having to answer or explaiin anything…but I know my days are numbered!
Twitter Name: erinmargolin
Anusol just sounds so, kind of, um dirty – not a genius product name! And ditto on the feminine washes. they can all go to hell.
Twitter Name: momadabsurdum
Peryl,
THANK YOU. I seriously want to invent a male wash. Because their junk doesn’t smell like flowers.
Twitter Name: erinmargolin
Valtrex or any other VD related ads! They always start so happy go lucky couple then BOOM! “You have herpes but your life isn’t over!”
Here in WI, I could do without the “abortion is murder” ads as well. No matter what your thoughts on the topic, it doesn’t belong on TV ever. Imagine a 5 yr old boy asking questions about that subject.
Twitter Name: jennsplace
Jennifer W,
Crap, another good one I left off—Valtrex! Herpes does NOT belong on television. Vomit.
And I totally agree with you on the abortion ads. I dread the day when my kids are old enough that I have to explain something like that to them. Oy.
Twitter Name: erinmargolin
Have you seen the new ads for feminine pads with the “new” materials created by women? It’s a bunch of models in “futuristic” white outfits in labs and factories grinning over them? Give me a break! Some dudes came up with another period soaker that won’t do the trick and I despise that ad. Who was their focus group anyway? As for summer’s eve? I’ve thought “what the #@$%” about that product since I was a kid!
Mindy,
I haven’t had the pleasure of seeing the new pads. Sounds lovely! And amen on the Summer’s Eve! WTF, indeed!
Twitter Name: erinmargolin
It’s tame but: teeth whitener. Because I need one more thing to be self conscious about, assholes.
Twitter Name: TamingInsanity
KLZ,
I’m a little disappointed in you. Teeth whitener is not what I expected you to say! While I am self conscious about that, too, I was hoping you’d come up with something snarky. Must be your pregnancy hormones. HAHAHAHHAHAHAHHA (and MY pregnancy hormones explain why this post is missing so many key products that others mentioned in the comments–I suck!)
Twitter Name: erinmargolin
Any and all of those ads that go on and on with possible side effects or symptoms or whatever, but never tell you what the crap is for!
And they all end with “…if you feel you might have questions, please ask your doctor is XX is right for you.”
Right for WHAT?!?
Great article…=)
Twitter Name: ASassyRedhead