The first time I hired a babysitter, I’d been a parent for about six months. I was a stay at home mom and just needed eight hours of help each week to save my motherfucking sanity. Or shower and run errands alone. Either one.
I used an online babysitting service that rhymes with Fitter Titty and found the most amazing 20-year-old nanny who I am still trying to convince to become my sister wife, over three years later.
I mistakenly assumed that it’s always that easy to find someone who you love, who loves you, who pretends she doesn’t notice how many wine bottles can end up in the recycle bin on occasion and who treats your kids like their own.
As it turns out, that’s not the case. While we’ve always been fortunate to hire someone great in the end, the getting there part…well, let’s just say that gnawing on glass might be more fun.
Here are a few tips for potential babysitters.
When responding to an ad, do not say any of these things (Lifted directly from emails)
“I am a personal trainer and fitness instructor as you can see from my attached photo (please let me know if you don’t receive it).”
I have packed on 25 pounds since I became a mom, as you would see if I invited you over to interview. Thanks for reminding me. Bitch.
“I am currently working at a bar as a cocktail waitress and bartender but am looking for a part time job doing something else.”
Working at a bar, taking care of kids, working at a bar, taking care of kids…almost the same.
“…I do not drink…”
Might be a little too judgmental about those wine bottles in the recycle bin on occasion.
“Although I understand why you would want to do interviews, I am just really tired of going to them, and being turned down for whatever reason. There for, good luck with your search… I am politely declining.”
Annnndddd I think I found the reason you’re being “turned down.” See above stupidity about thinking you’ll get a job without an interview.
At the interview
Do not drop the F bomb three times in front of my kids. I work excessively hard not to do that myself. If my kids learn to swear, they’re sure as hell going to learn it from me, not someone I’m paying to be a better version of me.
Do not arrive up at 9:00 a.m. in your hooker party dress from last night with sex hair and bright red lipstick. If you have to stand up three times to pull your dress down because your vagina is in danger of making a guest appearance, it’s too short.
Don’t give me a catalog for your jewelry business. It’s sort of awkward.
Just because it’s a good idea
Lock up your Facebook page. I realize that lots of us had fun, drunken whore moments in college where we made out with our bestie and put our hands all over her knockers, then had our boyfriend take our picture, but I want to think of the sober version of you when you walk out the door to take my preschoolers to story hour.
My recent profile pic might be me holding a Shake Weight in a compromising position with my mouth open like a fish, but we’re not talking about me here. My kids already know I’m a failure.
About Laura Willard
We’ve had great luck with sitters – up until the most recent one. Not only did she yell at the kids and totally freak them out, but she stole medication. Seriously. And she came highly recommended!! A little scared to ever leave them alone with another stitter…Brilliant article as always, Laura!!
Okay, you win!!!! Stealing meds??? We had one sitter that pillaged my master bedroom closet regularly. The most disturbing thing to me that she took were those squishy boob bra inserts to push your boobs up. I didn’t even know I still had them until she took them, then returned them. I mean, I haven’t needed them since I packed on a few (ahem) and my double AAs grew into Bs. I thought that was bad. But meds?!
And thank you for the compliment. :)
Twitter Name: AnunCommonMom
You kill me…you really do!
Thank you!
For anyone reading, I wouldn’t ever really kill anyone. Just to be clear. Except maybe a babysitter that drank my wine or something.
Twitter Name: AnunCommonMom
I wouldn’t kill her, per se, I mean what would the social worker think? I would, however, bitch slap her into next week…
And this is why I need to come to you for advice. You think these things through.
Twitter Name: AnunCommonMom
And THIS is exactly why I’m terrified to hire a babysitter. My mom lives with us and even though she seems highly unmotivated to watch my children, I’ll take that any day over some of the winners you mentioned above. Call me a spaz and a helicopter parent. You’d be 100% correct.
Twitter Name: coolwhipmom
“she seems highly unmotivated to watch my children…”
^^ I’m not sure whether you wrote that intending to be funny, but I’m giggling.
Twitter Name: AnunCommonMom
People wonder why I am 24 years old and still enjoy raising everyone else’s children. THIS is the exact reason why, because there are so many freaks in the world that think watching someone’s prize possession children is an EASY job. HA! Wish you would just move back here And I could watch the kids again. :(
Ps drinking numerous bottles of champagne WITH the nanny wasn’t mentioned in this article…does that mean it’s ok??? Haha
I thought it was just because you keep your vagina covered.
But also, because you’re it’s not an easy job. :)
Yes, yes, I did forget about those 20 bottles of champagne we drank on New Year’s Even last year…
(For anyone wondering, she ^^ is the nanny I want to be my sister wife.)
Twitter Name: AnunCommonMom
Hard fast rule, never hire a babysitter who shows her vagina on the first date and never , ever a teenager with daddy issues!LOL My girls saw my vag at birth and their own on the daily,a rogue vag in the mix would only confuse them..ditto goes for the Big GUy!LOL
Twitter Name: Truthfulmommy
Love it!!! A teenager with daddy issues… :)
Twitter Name: AnunCommonMom
You’ve now done the impossible: Made me grateful for my mother-in-law who was always available allowing me never to have to hire a babysitter.
This newfound gratitude almost makes up for the time she came over without calling first and walked in on us without knocking and found me tied up. Awkward.
Maybe someday I can write a good story from the babysitter’s point of view. My favorite time was when I saw a strange blue glow coming from the kid’s closet and opened it only to find they were growing a field of marijuana in there. Awkward.
Twitter Name: ChloeJeffreys
Best. Comment. Ever.
Like, truly, the best.
That’s all I have. I’m blotting coffee out of my nostrils.
Twitter Name: AnunCommonMom
Thanks, Laura.
You know, you can’t make this shit up.
Twitter Name: ChloeJeffreys
And of course there is every. damn. Thanksgiving when I can see that memory flit through her mind when she first sees me.
At first I was embarrassed about it, but now I think it serves her right.
Twitter Name: ChloeJeffreys
Oh, it totally serves her right. that memory needs to be seared into her mind as a lesson on what happens when you don’t observe the unspoken rules.
(The lesson being seeing your daughter-in-law naked and hog tied with shoe laces.) (Although, I made that part up. Maybe you were in lingerie and gently bound to the bed posts with scarves.) (I don’t know. Either way, it’s a lesson.)
And I have GOT to hear this growing-in-the-kids’-closet story. That’s better than an episode of my new favorite show, Weeds.
Twitter Name: AnunCommonMom
I promise you, Laura, it was a tasteful case of a little light bondage. But she deserves much worse.
The look on her face….bwahahahaha.
I wish I could have appreciated it at the time.
I’ll never get to tell this story on my own blog, but it was fun to tell it here. I feel much better now after we’ve had this little chat.
Twitter Name: ChloeJeffreys
A tasteful case of light bondage.
Hilarious.
Twitter Name: BetterHalfMommy
Chloe, you know she’s going to google you and see this.
Enjoy Thanksgiving this year!
Twitter Name: notasupermom
I love it! I’m sending it to my teenager who has been looking for a job babysitting, I’m sure she will get a great kick out of it coming from mom :)
Twitter Name: momwich
Ha!!! Thank you! I’m guessing if you’re an awesome enough mom to have her read AL, her bits and pieces are covered.
Twitter Name: AnunCommonMom
This is hilarious! We, too, were lucky with a babysitter. A friend’s daughter used to sit for us. She was fabulous. Our toddler loved her, and never even noticed when we left. Sadly, she has gone off to college. And I haven’t had the courage to go looking for another one.
And yes, my friend’s child is old enough to go to college. That’s what it is like when you don’t have children until you are in your 40s. ;P
Twitter Name: efloraross
oh my gosh, I’m rolling here…! Um Chloe, I will think of this every time I see you, ha!
I’ve had great luck in the babysitting dept, I found a great Mormon family with endless daughters that I just moved on through as they aged out of babysitting. They were sweet, honest, no issues ever. Looking back, I really lucked out…
Twitter Name: henjenca
This is exactly why my husband and I did not go out together (without our daughter) for 2 + years!! I am so afraid of leaving her with anyone, and since we have no family within 500miles, we pretty much led separate social lives.
Luckily I got in pretty good with her preschool teachers, who don’t mind babysitting now and then :)
Twitter Name: babybumpbeyond
Chloe told me you were funny.
One time I accidentally spilled Jean Nate bath splash on my sweater before I went to a sitting job.
I had a cold and couldn’t smell it. I wreaked. WREAKED!
In my defense I was 12.
Twitter Name: notasupermom
That is “reeked”.
No, I have not had many wine tonihgt.
Twitter Name: notasupermom
Having trouble with these “role models” are you??? I am not surprised, you always did set your standards high. lol This is great….and someone else’s children really are getting some of them as some of these
will find nanny jobs. SCARY.
Hilarious. :)
I’m glad you at least lucked out with one babysitter! My baby is only 4 months old and I’m still super careful about who to leave her with. We actually went out for the first time in 3 months on Friday (to a WEDDING! Yup – we’re crazy people here!) and my parents drove 2 1/2 hours to watch her because I wasn’t ready to hire someone new.
Baby steps… baby steps…
Twitter Name: chellysimko
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