The Freak, The Rehab Refugee, The Brat, The Rat, and Me

October 21, 2011
by • 19 Comments

I’m not going to kid myself: as much as I try to set a good example for my daughter, I know she’s already looking elsewhere for role models.

Tres fancy, Mademoiselle Nancy

She’s picked up my love of books and fondness for backpacks (of all things), but I don’t exactly see her going around, waving any “Stick it up your Patriarchy” signs, either. I can see that far-away look at her eyes when I’m modeling the virtues of rugged right-on womanhood. I know she’s thinking of Nancy. Or Angelina. Or Eloise. Or Pinkalicious.

These bitches have a mental stranglehold on the typical American girl and by that I mean: they are beloved kiddie lit characters. I apologize; I should have saved the “bitches” part for the second half of that sentence, but for some reason “bitches” is the first thing that comes to mind. Bitches.

This may come as a shock to many of you,

but these beloved kiddie lit characters leave something to be desired in the role model department. Sure, they share an adorable spunkiness and an ultra-femme girl power agenda, but these bitches are far from perfect. Consider the following:

Fancy Nancy: If you push the “Fast Forward” button on the life trajectory of this diva in training, you’ll see a series of sad misadventures: several unrequited love affairs with gay men, a secret prescription for penicillin at a Paris clinic during a semester abroad, a tragic fondness for mojitos and pharmies. Reality is never fancy enough for Nancy, which can only end in geriatric eating disorders and tears.  Also: she dressed like a total tramp on the cover her first book.

Angelina Ballerina: Her devotion to “the dance” is inspirational, but hasn’t anyone noticed Angelina is a rodent and is probably just crawling with vermin? Doesn’t anyone remember The Plague, for crying out loud?

Eloise: She’s white, she’s rich, and never has to clean up after herself. She is unbelievably obnoxious. She’s the reason why American tourists are told NEVER LEAVE THE RESORT while visiting Jamaica.

Pinkalicious: I’m sorry; one cupcake-binge-induced allergic reaction does not a heroine make. Once, my entire body mysteriously swelled up to the point that my pants had to be cut off my body in the ER. Where’s MY adoring cult of preschoolers?

I suppose it’s worth noting that my childhood role model was Pippi Longstocking. Pippi could clean the floor with these bitches, not that it would make a difference to my daughter. I raise my glass in a sour grapes toast to the role model who helped me grow up to be compared unfavorably to a future rehab refugee, a medical oddity, a white privilege ambassador, and a rat.

Filed Under: Aiming Low Family Tagged With: , , , , , , ,
About Hellraisin

Hellraisin is the alter ego of an over-educated, underpaid, poorly-dressed middle-aged gay mom who refuses to be contained within her cubicle in the suburbs. She can also be found acting out at The Gaytheist Gospel Hour.

Comments

  1. Go Granny Go says:
    October 21, 2011 at 9:29 pm

    Fancy Nancy is just too fancy for me and a bit of a “drag”. Pipi on the other hand is fun and focused on her friends and having a good time. Here’s to Pipi, role model for the new century.

    Reply
  2. Laura says:
    October 21, 2011 at 9:58 pm

    I’m pretty sure Pippi would literally clean the floor with them, you know, with her rad scrub-brush shoes. And then she’d lift them over her head.

    Reply
  3. AmyinBC says:
    October 21, 2011 at 10:39 pm

    Past that stage (although Angelina Ballerina was around during my daughters young years and I liked her!) but hey, you will NEVER have to deal with the gawd awuful BRATZ craze as I did. Two of the skanky Ho’s did make it into the house via a birthday present one year. Oy.

    Reply
  4. Victoria P. says:
    October 23, 2011 at 6:19 pm

    My girls liked the American Girl characters as they tended to get into mischief but somehow get out of it with dignity intact. The American Girls were kind and caring individuals.

    Reply
  5. Victoria P. says:
    October 23, 2011 at 6:20 pm

    My girls liked the American Girl characters as they tended to get into mischief but somehow get out of it with dignity intact. The American Girls were kind and caring individuals.

    Reply
  6. Dara says:
    October 23, 2011 at 9:41 pm

    I may have gone through a few months where I insisted I be called Pippi. Thank God my daughter doesn’t want to be called Pinkalicious, cause I’d probably puke on her sparkly shoes.
    I think she channels bossy Ruby from Ruby and Max the most. I’m kinda okay with that.

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    Reply
    • Hellraisin says:
      October 24, 2011 at 6:42 am

      You were right to want to be called Pippi. Pippi had everything: a horse, a monkey, and the house to herself! She had all that AND super-strength! Full disclosure: I’m pretty much *still* trying to be Pippi.

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      Reply
  7. NLM says:
    October 24, 2011 at 10:14 am

    Hey–my kids are all grown, and here’s the sum of what I learned: (Well, maybe not the sum, but something, anyway).

    http://www.50plusandontherun.com/2011/10/dilemma-1.html

    Keep aiming low, lol!

    Reply
  8. Britt @ Nearly Far says:
    October 24, 2011 at 4:53 pm

    Thank God I have boys!

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    Reply
  9. gamillie says:
    October 27, 2011 at 4:28 pm

    Nancy is a pill popping diva

    Reply
  10. gamillie says:
    October 27, 2011 at 4:28 pm

    Nancy est une pilule popping Étouffante fille

    Reply

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