I recently paid money to sit through a Weight Watchers meeting. I didn’t really think I would sit next to Jennifer Hudson, but I didn’t see anything on the website about it being a Bea Arthur Tribute either. As I sat in the folding chair tuning out the 20 minute tutorial on how to log on to the internet, I knew the advertisements were correct. This was not my mother’s Weight Watchers, my mother isn’t 105.
I was thumbing through their program which seemed reasonable. All weight loss plans do, if you follow them. Eat less, move more. I was sitting in that room because I wanted motivation and accountability. Since I wasn’t getting it from the blue haired set, just like an evangelist, I received a testimony from a power outside of myself. I needed to start a group of my own and I needed a gimmick.
My first thought was the Glass Beach Diet, but I think my husband in law enforcement might frown upon recommending meth to my followers. Short term use would be quick weight loss. Longer term use would promote tooth decay and lasting results.
The Weight Watcher leader lost my attention early in the meeting because she had no charisma. I’m no Susan Powter, but I’ll shave my head and offer a Crystal Light punch bowl filled with options for camaraderie and speedy weight loss if necessary.
Drawing on personal experience, I thought about the Divorce Diet. Divorce wouldn’t be an actual requirement, but some angst in the love department would help. It is simple to follow as the only rules are ingesting Diet Coke and smokes until desired goal weight, permanent break-up, or reconciliation.
Everybody is looking for the miracle pill in capsule form. Forget Sensa, the magic powder sprinkled on food to suppress appetite, I could just loan out my children to set the tables of my disciples. If nausea didn’t kick in from watching my darlings scratch their asses before placing the silverware or lick the top of the salt shaker, I’m sure the pinworm they are bound to catch would facilitate weight loss.
Instead of injecting HCG hormone, clients would be encouraged to get lip implants instead. I may just be spreading rumors, but that could be why Lisa Rinna and Taylor Armstrong are so skinny. They can’t fit actual food in their mouths.
If all else fails, give it the old college try. Drink until puking up the fourth meal.
My ideas are rough, but my dreams are big. I see merchandise, infomercials, and most importantly, thighs that don’t require an activation of emergency services every time they rub together on a warm day.
About Poppy
Ohmigawd! This was hilarious! Let me know if you need annoying models in the background! I need a paying job! ;-)
Twitter Name: MyMamihood
I’ll mix the Crystal Light and you can take the money.
Twitter Name: funnyorsnot
Love it…you got guts (apparently more then you want) to even go into a meeting and be “held accountable”. Me? My weight and chosen weight loss regimen are strictly private…
Plan B was announcing the number as a WTF Wednesday, but I haven’t been that drunk on a Tuesday.
Twitter Name: funnyorsnot
I’ve tried’em all. But not with such a great sense of humor, as yours.
That Divorce Diet works, fo sho. Dropped 30 lbs in, like, maybe 4 days.
Then I got happy again. And I got 20 lbs back.
So, I started walking and eating way healthier than before. Worked like magic. Just took a damn year.
But I’d still rather it take a year of doing it happy than 4 days of doing it miserable! =)
Twitter Name: ASassyRedhead
If only you could bottle the 30 lbs in 4 days miracle diet and sell it … to pay attorney fees!
Glad you’re happier and healthier. I know I am :)
Twitter Name: funnyorsnot
No kidding, right?
Why don’t more people know this?
The love gone wrong: good for at least a 13 lb weight loss.
Twitter Name: gdrpempress
Lisa Rinna is channeling Donald Duck with those babies.
And her voice is about as annoying.
Twitter Name: funnyorsnot
I lost ten pounds on the divorce diet.
Awesome figure, but the attorney’s fees are a bitch.
There was really a logging into the Internet tutorial? Shouldn’t there be a remedial class. Or something.
I’ll join you in the table setting idea, I’ve got some messy people that could help. Or they could come and eat off my floor.
Twitter Name: kristinglas
It was truly comical. I was seriously looking around for the hidden camera.
Twitter Name: funnyorsnot
Wait! Jennifer Hudson wasn’t at the meeting?
Don’t hate me, but I’ve never been on a real diet. Of course, I’m still carrying baby weight that’s almost 2 1/2 years old.
Twitter Name: letters4lucas
I have never stayed on one more than 5 minutes which is perhaps my problem.
Twitter Name: funnyorsnot
The Tapeworm Trim does have a great ring to it :)
Twitter Name: angelaamman
If the 4th meal is Taco Bell at 3:30 in the morning. I will eat it. I will throw it up. I will be so so happy about all of it the next day.
I haven’t eaten at Taco Bell since the late 80′s, but that scenario sounds eerily familiar. What makes their guacamole so zesty?
Twitter Name: funnyorsnot
I’m sorry, but I don’t believe for one minute that your thighs rub together. But since we’re on the subject, have you ever heard of “the cricket”?
Uh, Google says it has something to do with scrapbooking, a cell phone company, or a game. So, no I don’t think I know what “the cricket” is. Please enlighten me.
Twitter Name: funnyorsnot
I need the weight control program where they tie your jaw shut and provide only ‘green’ meals. i.e. spinach breakfast, spinach & celery smoothies, that sort of shit.
Twitter Name: mommakiss
Do you remember during the first or second season of The Real World, someone actually did that to lose weight? That is hard core. We could just go to Peru where they harvest fat from tourists. Disregard, I think they do it post-mortem.
Twitter Name: funnyorsnot
My favorite is the stomach flu diet. Where you feel sick so you couldn’t eat even if you wanted to. Unfortunately, it never stays off for long. I wish you lived closer so we could brave the WW together. Even without Jennifer Hudson it’d still be fun.
Great instruction and hints. Looking forwards to drop a couple of extra pounds. I’ll present some feed-back soon after i try out this. Kudos!