I grew up believing that family was defined by blood. If I shared genetic material with you, even in trace amounts, you were family. Otherwise, you were not. It is a simple way of defining family and some still find comfort in such clarity.
Thinking of family in such concrete terms is like playing a game of Poker - you have to play the hand you are dealt. If you have ever played Poker, you know that sometimes you get a hand full of aces and sometimes your cards don’t match and you end up with that creepy Joker who’s always winking at you.
The greatest gift of lesbianism (other than a lifetime free from the need for birth control) was that it taught me to think creatively about the idea of family.
Shortly after I came out, a friend and I were outside a restaurant and he nodded towards a guy and said, “Do you think he rides our bus?” I said, “What are you talking about? We drove!” He sighed and said, “Do you think he is family?”
Family.
It was the first time I had stopped to think of “family” in a broader context.
Over time, I figured out that I had the power to define family by my own terms. I could lay claim to the people who made me laugh and think and to whom I felt a deep connection. I could be claimed by others for the same reasons. We could trust each other, depend on each other, love each other – not like family but as family. Now, I’m a mother to two kids…two kids who happen to have two moms. Biology has very little to do with our connection to each other.
The world is changing. People create families through adoption, through surrogacy, through insemination and, yes, even the old fashioned way. People are changing the very idea of how family is defined and the possibilities are limitless.
Family is no longer like a game of Poker. You don’t have to play the hand you are dealt just as it is. It’s more like a game of Gin Rummy. You’re dealt a hand but you have plenty of chances to draw new cards and, each time you do, you get to choose whether or not to keep them. If the card makes your hand stronger, you can hold onto it tightly. If it doesn’t fit, you can discard it. You do it carefully, deliberately and – hopefully – with great delight. And the best part? You can ditch that creepy Joker.
How do you define family?
About Vikki
Family is so varied – thank goodness for all of the people I love and who love me back, and thank goodness I’m not limited to relations!
Twitter Name: momadabsurdum
It’s a powerful feeling, and a freeing one, when you realize you can redefine family.
Twitter Name: momneedstherapy
Absolutely.
Twitter Name: uppoppedafox
I am the opposite, I grew up with family meaning more than just genes and some days I still wonder why…. My family I call “family” is a riot though, love them as if they were blood relatives! Probably easier to get along with than most of my genetic relatives!
Twitter Name: brandyellen
Family should put the “fun” in “funny” even if they sometimes put the “fun” in dysfunctional too.
Twitter Name: uppoppedafox
Loved this post! I completely agree! I define family as the people you want close to you that make you better. Sometimes this is blood relatives, and sometimes it’s not.
I know that YOU make me be a better person Vikki!
Twitter Name: Tech4Moms
Back at you!
Twitter Name: uppoppedafox
Well said as always, Vicki!
Are you stalking me? ;)
Twitter Name: uppoppedafox
I have a large family and that’s because I include the people I love whether they are connected by blood or not. Right now, my sister and her family are living with me because their house was flooded out in the Pennsylvania floods. This is my sister that I had never met or talked to until 10 years ago…and, not because a parent had an affair but because that was when I first met her online.
Family is about love and commitment and support not blood.
Twitter Name: dragondream
It’s so powerful to claim someone as family. It’s a gift to all involved.
Twitter Name: uppoppedafox
Abso-damned-lutely. I triplestarryheart loved this post.
I was raised with the definition of “family” that you currently hold. A lot of this likely has to do with the culture of being raised as a military brat, in which the connections that you make with veritable strangers replace the traditional familial connections that are stretched thin due to frequent moving.
This idea was definitely reinforced and was surely a factor in who I chose to be a surrogate for. When the chemistry between myself and prospective intended parents felt like family, I knew that it was a good match. That gut feeling has never lead me wrong.
I definitely agree with what Vikki said above, “It’s powerful to claim someone as family. It’s a gift to all involved.”
Twitter Name: JWMoxie
Hooray for Family of Choice. I am a straight, married mother of 3 biological children created the old-fashioned way. But I also live halfway across the country from almost all of my blood relatives (who are awesome…almost all of them!). We have definitely built a new family here, people I cannot imagine being without. Love (and can count on) them every bit as much as my favorite blood relations!
Family means so many different things to me. I’ve always been comfortable thinking of people who are not related to me as family and some people who are “blood” I do not claim as family because of the damage they’ve caused.
You are a fantastic writer.
Twitter Name: Unknown Mami
My good friend Pam refers to her “framily.” Framily definitely does not include any creepy jokers!
My biological extended family (my mom is the oldest of 5 kids) is one that puts the “fun” in “dysfunctional.” Among the group of us we’ve faced multiple marriages and divorces, teenaged pregnancy, alcoholism, gender reassignment, stays at pediatric psych hospitals, flunking out of school… Once you become part of the family, you get to stay forever if you want. The look on my husband’s face when he asked for clarification about how I was related to an attendee at a family party was priceless- he had to work a bit to wrap his head around “Oh, she’s my uncle’s ex-wife’s father’s second wife’s daughter” (which is essentially “my uncle’s ex’s step-sister”, but since their respective parents didn’t marry until they were adults, “step sister” doesn’t quite seem like the right term).
Twitter Name: MamaKaren
My family is made up of the people I’m genetically related to and the people I could call to come pick me up when I have a flat tire (excluding Road Side Service). It’s the people who love my kids like they are their own and vice versa. There is dysfunction in both sets but I love them all.
Twitter Name: HeatherSchiavo