In conversations, I often embarrass myself. My social ineptitude involves putting my foot in my mouth or saying more than the situation warrants. I try to be funny or clever, but I end up looking stupid or crude. Sometimes people don’t get the joke, which is the worst. I also have bad listening skills – I miss details of a story by thinking of a similar memory, and share inappropriately. My intention is to find common ground, but I end up revealing some irrelevance that should remain unspoken.
I was at a home party at a friend’s house, along with 25 other ladies. After the party, I found myself standing with two women: Ashley*, a good friend of mine, and Joan*, an acquaintance. Ashley was my son’s preschool teacher, and Joan was asking about the preschool and how my son liked it. I responded quickly and dead straight, “He loves preschool, and his teacher. The teachers are great – they’re not all crack whores like Ashley.”
Ashley roared with laughter and gave me a little push. I was kidding, of course. Ashley is NOT a crack whore. She is a lovely woman with a lovely family who lives in the next development over. She isn’t even the type of person who would ever see a crack whore. We live in the suburbs.
I smirked and waited for Joan to laugh. She didn’t, but gave a non-committal “huh” and excused herself. The next day, the guilt I felt over my comment ate at me for hours. My friend is not a crack whore; what kind of parent makes a remark like that about her child’s preschool teacher? Plus, I hardly knew Joan. I came off as completely tasteless, not to mention judgmental about crack whores.
I called my husband at work for advice. I could see him rolling his eyes, thinking “why doesn’t she get a job?” He said that if I was so upset about it then I should apologize to both women.
He was right. This was the best way for me to overcome my guilt and coarse reputation. Calling Ashley was easy; I told her I was out of line, I didn’t think she was a crack whore or even resembled one, I loved that she was my son’s teacher and I was sorry for being rude. We laughed about it again, and she advised me to apologize to Joan to repair my impression. I was nervous about talking to Joan because I wanted the conversation to be quick and painless and not awkward, and I knew it wouldn’t be any of that.
I called Joan and sensed immediately that she was confused about the call. I worked up my courage and said, “Joan, I wanted to apologize for calling Ashley a crack whore last night. It was off-color and untrue, and I’m really embarrassed. I feel bad for saying it and I had to call to say it was out of character. I’m sorry.”
I was so relieved and proud of myself for doing such a difficult thing. I could face my children with the knowledge that their mother is a strong, astute woman. What a lesson to teach them.
A moment passed, and then Joan finally responded.
“I have no idea what you are talking about.”
Turns out she didn’t even hear the comment, and I outed myself as being trashy and crude. Again.
*names are changed to protect the more socially refined
About the Writer
Andrea is a wife and mother of two who spends most of her time at home inventing ways to avoid housework and exercise. She fills the rest of the time volunteering, working as a church nursery coordinator, and moping around. She started blogging just last year, and it isn’t much. She can be found at About 100%
About Guest Writer
I think you sound fun, if not funny! Home parties can be so boring without “people like you”!
Twitter Name: Emtnester
Thank you – you’re so sweet! Unfortunately, this wasn’t a boring party (it was an adult toy party) so it didn’t need my lame attempt at a comedy routine.
Twitter Name: about100percent
I think that comment was hilarious and you should never apologize for someone else not having a sense of humor.
Thank you! I’m just glad that she wasn’t a crack whore. THAT would have been super awkward.
Twitter Name: about100percent
That actually would have made it funnier in my book. Don’t worry, you can sit next to me at the next party! :)
You got it!
Twitter Name: about100percent
I am laughing my head off at this. Just LAST NIGHT I stopped into the wine store with my 7 year old to pick up a bottle of wine. My son is a great helper. He wanted to carry the bottle to the counter and give the cashier my money. There was a woman standing next to me watching the whole thing. I looked at her and said “I am so proud he knows how to buy booze for mommy at such a young age” The cashier cracked up and the lady just started daggers at me and walked away. Such a proud moment for me!
OMG are you my sister? That sounds like something I would say. And then needlessly apologize for.
Twitter Name: about100percent
OMG, that is so funny! A few weeks ago, I stopped at the wine store at 12 pm, with my 5 year old. (I needed some wine for a party and didn’t have time to stop later.) I jokingly said to my son, “Now that Mommy has her wine, we can go home for lunch.” The cashier looked horrified. Geez, dude! I WAS KIDDING!
Twitter Name: lpgill
Obviously people who don’t get jokes about the natural combination of being a parent and drinking wine don’t have kids of their own.
Twitter Name: about100percent
Lol. Totally something I would do. you are definitely braver than I though. I woulda just left it alone. A lot of people don’t get my humor either
Twitter Name: imperfectmomma
Total fail – the whole situation. That day was marked by angst over whether or not I should apologize, followed by a whole evening of angst over my decision to apologize.
Twitter Name: about100percent
In my younger days, I was much more socially awkward than I am now. (I might seem perfectly social, but I only really feel comfortable in an online crowd. Stick me in a group of real, live people, especially people I don’t know, and I’ll cower in the corner.)
When I made attempts to be sociable, I’d open my mouth and something horribly stupid would come out. Then I’d berate myself for weeks about how stupid that thing I said was. This would keep me from being more sociable which led to more social mistakes. It was a vicious cycle.
Over the years, I’ve learned that berating myself was counter-productive. Now, when I say something stupid, I allow myself to make a mental note of where I went wrong and how I should have behaved. Then, I file that away and move on. Much healthier.
Twitter Name: TechyDad
I feel your pain. I usually agonize about things I’ve said that I shouldn’t have. Now I agonize AND post them online. Somehow it helps with the agonizing.
Twitter Name: about100percent
I love you, already.
Aiming low: my current supplier of awesomeness to follow.
Twitter Name: gdrpempress
Thanks!
Twitter Name: about100percent
This is hilarious and every party needs someone who is not afraid to talk about crack whores :). I would never have had the guts to call and apologize.
Thank you. If you ever need someone to break the ice at your next party in a totally inappropriate way, I’m your girl.
Twitter Name: about100percent
Someone better check the brownies Joan brought for missing that great one liner. And really, I don’t want to live in a world where it is unacceptable to judge crack whores or Real Housewives.
Twitter Name: funnyorsnot
Come to think of it, she did bring the brownies!
Twitter Name: about100percent
Hey, everyone’s not always going to get us. You should have gone home and told your husband about the uptight woman who didn’t get your crack whore joke, said the woman who makes the same kind of jokes and is always second-guessing herself. I wouldn’t apologize for my sense of humor unless I said something terribly politically incorrect (accidentally, of course). You are who you are. And you sound funny to me.
Twitter Name: HeatherSchiavo
Thank you for the compliment! I mostly felt terrible for calling my friend a mean name in public. That kind of crap is okay for a girls’ night in with too much wine.
Twitter Name: about100percent
Which just proves that apologies are for suckers. ;)
Twitter Name: msmegan
Oh Megan, you and I would get along beautifully. :)
Twitter Name: about100percent