Check Out the Mompetition at the Momolympics 2012

October 17, 2011
by • 31 Comments

You thought high school was bad? Were you shunned by the cheerleaders? Teased by the Pom Squad? Just wait. You don’t even know the meaning of the word humiliation yet. No matter how many boxes of edamame and organic lollipops you buy, the Alpha Moms will never let you in.

The struggles of day-to-day motherhood are difficult enough. Just getting through the day without having to use the Wet Vac six times is an enormous accomplishment, when you have babies and toddlers in the house.

If we’re going to compete, let’s at least standardize it and make it a legitimate tournament. We’ll call it the Momolympics and we can give prizes that will be useful and validating of our all our mothering efforts like a membership to a swanky gym with free babysitting, a coupon book of fancy date nights, an indestructible DVD player, a live-in housekeeper, earplugs, and hemorrhoid cream.

I’m pregnant and I’m still hotter than all you biatches.

If you wish to compete in the 2012 Momolympics in any of the following categories, please leave a message in the comment section below. Medals and prizes will be awarded on a per-event basis. And we regret to inform that bungee jumping while attempting to dose toddlers with Tylenol is no longer an official Momolympic Sport.

Healthy Eating

Tastiest organic meal made in under 30 minutes while holding a screaming infant and doing spin art with a toddler.

My Baby Is Better Than Your Baby

Convince a group of naysaying playgroup moms that your baby could whup all their babies’ respective asses in everything from block-building
and nose-picking to reading chapter books and doing quadratic equations.

Mom Wizardry

Fastest time at removing a single pea from inside a toddler’s nose.

Family Affairs

Highest number of relatives called on the phone while simultaneously folding laundry and breastfeeding an infant.

In-Flight Entertainment

Greatest number of seated toddlers entertained during a three-hour airplane flight using only a plastic cup, a bobby pin, and an In-Flight magazine. Immediate disqualification occurs if toddlers remove their seatbelts, stray from the seated position, and/or speak the words “Are we there yet?”

Emergency Situations

Most emergencies solved by using only the contents of one’s purse and/or diaper bag. Potential emergencies may include diarrhea blowouts, cuts and scrapes, hunger in between meals, loss of blankie and/or favorite toy, grape juice explosions, etc.

Social Networking

Largest number of coherent emails composed, Facebook statuses updated and/or Tweets posted in under 10 minutes while keeping two toddlers and one screaming infant entertained without using ropes, hypnotism, straightjackets, Benadryl, and/or TV sedation.

Safe Travel

Fastest time buckling six unhappy and tantruming two-year-olds into five-point harness car seats, while smiling and singing “When You’re Happy and You Know It Clap Your Hands.”

Photo Credit

Filed Under: Family, Frenemies, Popping Your Culture Tagged With: , , , , , ,
About Naomi De La Torre

Naomi de la Torre used to be a world famous salsa dancer and Guinness World Record holder in competitive meat-sculpting and artistic pie-eating before she gave up her life of fame and fortune to settle down. Now the mother of two adorable boys, she is most likely to be found hiding from the 100 pound pile of dirty laundry that stalks her, eating her weight in jarred cheese or using a can of Crisco to squeeze herself into her old sequined salsa dresses. Naomi is a contributing writer for SheKnows, Momtastic, Baby Banter and Insert Eyeroll.

Comments

  1. Deb says:
    October 17, 2011 at 8:40 am

    Perfect, perfect, perfect! lol
    Loved this.

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  2. Dawn @ Coming to a Nursery Near You says:
    October 17, 2011 at 8:49 am

    Sadly, the comment on the photo? Totally true.

    I shall not be in any olympic sport that requires me to compete against other mothers that are no better and no less than I. I’m above that. right?

    snort.

    ok, loved it – thanks for the giggle :)

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  3. imperfectmomma says:
    October 17, 2011 at 10:15 am

    Thanks for the morning laugh!

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  4. Dara says:
    October 17, 2011 at 10:31 am

    I’d totally get a gold medal (which I just unwittingly mistyped as “model”). I would. Really. As long as it wasn’t held at my house or with my children.

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  5. MrsBellers says:
    October 17, 2011 at 10:48 am

    Ok it really did make me laugh- but the sad thing is its also true there are so many pushy parents and their perfect kids it does my head in!! Nobody’s perfect right?! I thought we all grew up and got out of the playground…

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  6. Alexandra says:
    October 17, 2011 at 10:49 am

    And the winner of most eff ups with regard to missed appointments is..

    ME!

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  7. Britt Reints says:
    October 17, 2011 at 12:14 pm

    I think I could actually medal in the social media category!!

    Finally, something I can excel in.

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  8. Caroline Urdaneta says:
    October 17, 2011 at 12:43 pm

    You NAILED it! I LOVED this!!!

    Reply
  9. Peryl says:
    October 17, 2011 at 12:43 pm

    Fantastic, Naomi! What – you mean people entertain their children on the airplane WITHOUT using dvd players?? I don’t believe it.

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  10. Pam Dillon says:
    October 17, 2011 at 1:48 pm

    Thank you for this. : )

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  11. The Animated Woman says:
    October 17, 2011 at 7:57 pm

    Just the title is making me laugh and I haven’t read the article yet!

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  12. dusty earth mother says:
    October 17, 2011 at 9:57 pm

    Soooo glad I win in every one of these categories. Uh… actually none of them.

    So funny, Naomi!

    Reply
  13. Adonis Pinheiro says:
    January 23, 2012 at 1:35 am

    Thanks for sharing, this is a fantastic article.

    Reply

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