It’s soccer season! Both of my kids play soccer which means that I am involved in soccer-related activities roughly eight days a week. What? There are only 7 days in a week, you say. Yeah well, I’m like the Beatles of soccer moms except that I don’t have screaming fans and I’m just bad at counting. The point is that I spend a lot of time at soccer games and that means I spend a lot of time watching other soccer parents.
Hours of careful observation have helped me to identify the Seven Deadly Sins of Soccer Parents:
Forgetting shin guards: Shin guards guard the shins. Small people with poor control of their bodies with be running at your child and kicking your child wearing shoes with spikes on the bottoms. If you forget the shin guards, both teams should be allowed to walk on your back at half-time.
Cluelessness: Parent X is yelling like crazy from the sideline, ”Go Becky! You’re doing great Becky!” and his enthusiasm is sweet but things become awkward when the kid scores and Parent X shouts, “Way to go Becky!” while everyone else shouts, “Way to go Ann!” Know your kids’ teammates or stick with a generic “Good job!”
Coaching from the sideline: Every team has a coach who tells your kid how to play the game. Your kid then goes out and does what the coach told him to do. When you start shouting instructions, he will get confused and will sit down on the field and make a clover chain.
Shouting rules from the sideline: “You’re offsides! For the love of god, you’re – oh wait. Maybe you’re not. Never mind.” Sometimes we think we know the rules and it turns out that we don’t. Thank goodness they have line judges and referees, huh?
Arguing with the referee: Don’t be the parent that argues with the ref. This is kids’ soccer – not the World Cup. When you argue with the ref, it’s embarrassing. The rest of us can only stare at our feet and whisper behind your back for so long.
Embarrassing your child: Never yell, “Go baby go!” at your 10 year old son’s soccer game. NEVER ever. You might as well whip off your shirt and run around the field with your mom boobs jiggling in your bra (or man boobs sans bra). It’s that embarrassing.
Poor sportsmanship: You win some you lose some and you weren’t even playing – your kid was. So, don’t get huffy and get into a wrestling match with your folding chair. Instead, do as I do. Thank the Gods of Soccer for the loss because each loss makes it less likely that you’ll have to go to the playoffs.