Heck, I’m so busy jabbing my index finger on the number zero, waiting for the magic moment when my call will get placed in line for a human, that I go into a trance when I need to make a 1-800 call.
If I hear a robot asking me to explain what my call is about I can spend five minutes trying variations of asking for, “help”, “customer service”, and “supervisor” before going ape-shit. I’ll tell you what my call is about! My call is about TALKING TO A PERSON WITH A PULSE MOTHERTRUCKER!!
Finally, I’ll hear the words I’ve waited 12 minutes to hear, “we are transferring your call.”
My reward is the smooth sounds of vintage Yanni and I put my cell phone on speaker as I carry on with my morning, waiting for excellence in customer service.
I read that while on hold our calls are being recorded. Yes. It made me wonder what sort of training manual I was contributing to because the really, really good stuff happens while I am on hold.
While on hold:
• I’ve had conversations with my mother about which sperm donor profile I should order on-line
• I’ve gone to the bathroom 15 gajillion times
• I’ve discussed, at great length, lawn care with people taking care of the yard
• I’ve bathed, changed, fed, burped, and read books to my son
• I’ve frantically searched my house for my social security card/ credit card/ wallet/ keys/ coffee
These recordings are compressed and stored on hard drives and listened to. Somewhere in Florida there is a guy in a cube fast forwarding through my call about the mold I found on the cap of a jug of juice. And because these companies are paid to listen for keywords like, “wow!” he has to stop to listen to the fantastic hold moment I gifted him:
“Oh WOW! Oh holy MOTHER of WOW!!!!! That is the biggest poop EVER!! WOW!!!!! Are you kidding me with this?!!”
I’ve had some pretty shitty calls with customer service before and only just recently have started reminding the people on the other end of the phone, “you know this call is being recorded, right?” PAUSE. And then a total attitude change. No kidding.
This is a Goonie moment for us, people. These are OUR recordings. Take them back! Remind the robots that you know about quality assurance and do your part to assure it.
And if you are in a good mood place your phone next to the T.V. the next time you are on hold so the folks in the cubes can catch up on their stories. It’s all about random acts of kindness, people.