Baby Genius

Despite being nearly 4 years old, I am shocked and appalled to inform you that Alex has NEITHER learned to drive a car, NOR can he do EVEN SIMPLE long division. Why the other day, I handed him The Communist Manifesto and rather than engaging me in a riveting discussion of the proletariat versus the bourgeois pigs, HE STUCK THE BOOK IN HIS MOUTH AND STARTED CHEWING! On Karl Marx! WHAT HAVE I DONE WRONG, oh Lord, TO HAVE SUCH A STUPID BABY?

I have no problems with parents who have decided that they must somehow increase their baby’s brain development by playing Strauss or Beethoven, use flashcards to inflict French on them, or run them around town to various “brain nurturing activities,” but I personally see no reason to do so.

Why?

Because I am lazy. AND a bad parent.

Open up a Baby-Zine and see for yourself! Most of the articles are not devoted to helping parents get a night off (which is really what’s necessary), but blaring in bold titles “simple ways to increase your babies IQ.” Further pouring salt in the wound of a tired, bleary eyed parent who cannot remember where she put her coffee let alone what her baby’s middle name, that Baby-Zine also decrees that if you DO NOT do such things, IT’S YOUR FAULT WHEN YOUR CHILD BECOMES A DROOLING CART COLLECTOR and NOT a member of MENSA.

That’s kinda bullshit.

It was shortly after my first son’s second birthday that I noticed an interesting phenomenon: no matter WHAT I did, the kid was absorbing stuff like a sponge. (With the aid of therapy) words became intelligible and varied, songs were sung, colors were identified WITHOUT prompting, and he figured out how to reprogram ALL of my father’s electronic devices within toddler range: WITHOUT MY HELP OR GUIDANCE.

We did a weekly Gymboree Day along with a Kindermusic Day and he thrived. Flourished. He started preschool at age 3 simply because he needed to socialization that I could not provide with my decided lack of other children, and it was there that they taught him French (which he now speaks fluently).

Now that I have two more crotch parasites, I waste almost no time worrying that I don’t stimulate them enough. I considered starting Gymboree a couple of months ago but quickly quashed that idea when I realized that although I was apt to meet other parents there, I was still wearing my maternity underwear and no matter what, this meant I wasn’t about to start getting more social.

I’m holding out until I can find a pair of unstained pants to wear.

So now I say so what if my kid isn’t as advanced as everyone else’s? I don’t spend my days OR nights reading up on what his latest developmental milestones should be because really, I don’t give a shit..

And I comfort myself knowing that in a world where all other children will be far more advanced than my own, we will always need more cart collectors.