Aiming Low’s Guide to Choosing Your Children’s Friends

choosing your childrens friendsWhen it comes to picking friends children are a bit stupid. They are far more likely to pick them on ridiculous and pointless criteria like how well they get along and whether they both like the same cartoon character than the things that matter.

And if you’re the one that has to put up with their choice and the parents that come with it for the next 10 years or so, surely it’s only fair you get the ultimate say in who your child associates with.

So what are the important criteria when choosing your child’s friends?

The Child’s Name

Just because someone was idiotic enough to call their child Tatiana or Apple, there’s no reason you have to embarrass yourself when taking them out on day trips by yelling names that make you look like a prize wasock. Likewise names ending in an I when it should be a Y: do you want everyone else at the soft play center to think you’re a chav?

The Mother

The last thing you need is a competitive mother in your life so pick the mother carefully.

Mothers you don’t want: anyone whose house is spotless, who handmakes their child’s snacks or wears three inches of make up for the school run. Anyone that looks impeccable after 3 hours of hell that is soft play, doesn’t drink and calls their child Apple or Tatiana. Someone who is always 10 minutes early for everything or dresses any of their household pets in clothes.

Mothers you do want: has been known to wear slippers for school run, turns up with not only bought cakes for the bake sale but bought cakes still in their box and doesn’t care. Someone who happily gets out the wine when you pop round for a play date, has the remnants from at least one meal scattered underneath the kitchen table and laughs hysterically at the idea of a craft room.

The Car

The bigger and messier the better. There is absolutely no point your child having a friend whoes family car is a two seater, is washed more than once a month or whose insides see a vacumn cleaner more frequently than twice a year – these are not the sort of parents that are likely to whisk your little one away for a day trip leaving you to put your feet up get on with important housework and stuff.

The House

Close enough to walk home after a wine fuelled play date, clean enough to not worry about your children contracting diseases whilst there but messy enough to not feel self conscious when you return the favour. Preferably with a nice sized yard and playroom.

As I said, the important stuff.

Photo source: hannes.a.schwetz
About Anissa Mayhew

You can read more Anissa at her blog Free Anissa and as a contributing writer at Babble. She's at Twitter, FacebookG+, and Pinterest too. And yes, she's probably up to no good either.



  1. Great list!

    Another criteria – only allowed one friend allocation for each name – there are too many Rebecca’s, Rachels and Lucys among my kids friends and I am easily confused!

  2. Why oh why don’t you live next door to me Heather??????? You are my perfect BFF.

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  3. Allison says:

    Love it. I think I already had this criteria in place, but thanks for verifying it! LOL

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  4. Tracy says:

    Yeah, I’ve gone over to people’s apartments for 1st play dates and never returned if their home was too spotless or “fancy”. God forbid they come to my place and their kid eats a crushed cheddar bunny off the floor and watches a dog hair dust bunny waft by.

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  5. I fit all your criteria for a “good Mom” except… I do dress my pets in clothes. I’m so ashamed. But I have more than one meal’s remnants under my table so do you still like me?

  6. Gabriela says:

    So by your article we wouldn’t be friends ,I am also an expat living in the middle east and our home is always spotless and I have alot of gold and fancy things the italian coming out ,but I also always bake or make everything from scratch and don’t really drink .But I have a constant stream of kids wanting to come to my house so maybe don’t be to quick to judge .

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