Some people would have you believe their poop don’t stink, they never sweat and the most embarrassing thing they’ve ever done is hiccuped once in public. What a load of horse manure. There are some things in life that everybody does, regardless of whether they are too pathetic to own up to it or not.
7 Things Everybody Does
1. Peeing in the shower
You’re naked, you’re wet, you’re cleaning yourself anyway – let it flow. Everyone else does. And besides which, urine is sterile so it’s practically like cleaning anyway.
2. Picking your nose
Like most things on this list, it’s not something you want to be caught doing in public, but once alone there’s nothing more satisfying than getting elbow deep in nostril and having a good rummage around. Just please, don’t eat it. Because really, not everyone does that and it’s gross.
3. Reciting the alphabet in your head
Can anyone actually remember what letter comes after Q without having to start from M?
4. Masturbating
If you’re male it’s a matter of pride to not just admit to knocking one off but to brag about and embellish your stories of self-love. If you’re a girl however you’re supposed to keep schtum, in fact most women would tell you to deny it completely. What a load of shite. There is not a woman on the planet that doesn’t enjoy a spot of bean flicking and any woman that tells you she doesn’t is a liar.
5. The fart and scoot
Those people that claim they don’t – yeah, big fat lairs. It’s a scientific fact. Everybody farts. Some more than others. You can’t forecast or timetable farts, and sometimes they happen in the most inconvenient and public of places. Come on, we’ve all done it: farted, scooted away from the offending area and then looked around with a disgusted expression on our faces to put the blame onto someone else.
6. Undercover farting
Farting in bed however is something else entirely. There’s not a person on this planet that hasn’t stuck their head under the duvet for sniff at least once. And yes, it’s okay to admit you kind of enjoyed it.
7. Bathroom snooping
You know when you’re in someone else’s house and you’ve locked yourself in the toilet and start having a little snoop through their cupboards? Yeah, you’re not alone. We’ve all done that. But remember, if everyone does it, it means you should probably clean out that bathroom cabinet of yours. Oh, and put the herpes ointment somewhere else.
photocredit: stevendepolo
About Heather
re: #4 …. A) I think the phrase you were looking for is ‘rubs one out’, and B) I was actually married to the one woman on the planet that didn’t enjoy a spot of bean flicking. Yes, they do exist.
Twitter Name: danaCreative
rubs one out – ha, great phrase. And regarding B – wow. just wow.
Twitter Name: notefromlapland
I don’t do ANY of those. I don’t lie, either. Or tell the truth. Ahem.
Twitter Name: JWMoxie
*snort* no, me either. Ahem.
Twitter Name: notefromlapland
I might do one or two of these. Or five.
Only five, huh? *raises eyebrow questioningly*
Twitter Name: notefromlapland
I have no idea what you’re talking about here, Heather. None whatsoever. Ahem.
Twitter Name: catep36
Uh huh, sure. I believe you. Honest.
Twitter Name: notefromlapland
I hastily withdrew my finger from my nose as I read no. 2
:)
Twitter Name: Rogue_Leader
I count myself lucky it was just from your nose.
Twitter Name: notefromlapland
Guilty of all except for number 1. Do I get a prize?
Twitter Name: sardinetin
you’ve never peed in the shower? Really? *squinty eyed look*
Twitter Name: notefromlapland
Great list although I of course, don’t do any of them. Well not most of them, well hardly any….
I don’t do the farting under the covers thing!
Twitter Name: vbincatalunya
Sure, everyone in the world apart from you. We believe you. ahem
Twitter Name: notefromlapland
And I was so going to invite you to my house until I read this. See, I didn’t think you did any of this stuff. I thought you were perfect. But now I know that you’re just like me. Now I feel depressed. I may have to crack one off just to cheer myself up.
Twitter Name: pocketropolis
obviously I meant everyone except me. I am practically perfect in every way of course, so there’s no need to get all excited and… oh, too late.
Twitter Name: notefromlapland
Yeah… you needed to be a lot quicker…
Twitter Name: pocketropolis
The question is: how many can you do at the SAME TIME?
Contrary to popular belief (okay, I doubt anyone really believes it or has thought about it before me, but I needed a segue), it is near impossible to masturbate and pick your nose at the same time. It’s kind of like rubbing your stomach and patting your head.
Twitter Name: ReadilyAParent
na ah, that’s my party trick. Goes down a treat at weddings and christenings I can tell you.
Twitter Name: notefromlapland
the fart and scoot is a little phenomenon i like to call crop dusting. and the undercover farting — you mean preheating the dutch oven, right?
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
crop dusting? Fantastic.
Twitter Name: notefromlapland
“bean flicking”? omg, that one is new to me! ROFLMAO—this takes the cake. got my morning off to a fantastic start w/ a case of the giggles!
Twitter Name: erinmargolin
I love the phrase been flicking. there’s a video which will crack you up: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T6nUJtn38cI
Twitter Name: notefromlapland
My wife recently found our 4 year old trying to get something off his fingers. They had a conversation like this:
B: “JSL, what’s on your fingers?”
JSL: “It sticky, mommy.”
B: “What is it? Is it a booger?”
JSL: “No. It sticky, mommy.”
B: “Did it come from your nose?”
JSL: “Yes, but it sticky.”
B: “Then it’s a booger. Throw it out and go wash your hands.”
And now he knows what those sticky things in your nose are called. (Somehow moments like this don’t end up in those parenting books.)
Twitter Name: TechyDad
They never do, so they? Maybe we ought to write one…
Twitter Name: notefromlapland
Ok. All of them but #1. I have never done it. Honest. It’s gross. My boys, however, are guilty of it. And I have no way of stopping it.
Twitter Name: thedgoddess
so you get out of the shower wet and dripping if you need a pee? I’m far too lazy for that.
Twitter Name: notefromlapland
H.I.L.A.R.I.O.U.S. Since all of us sleep in one room together, sometimes when my huz comes to bed late at night we’ve all been in there for hours already farting up a storm and stinking up the joint. The other night he genuinely thought someone had taken a shit in the bed. He was looking for it under the covers. I told him it was just our usual bedtime “medley of farts.”
Twitter Name: coolwhipmom
a medley of farts – fantastic! and remind me not sleep over at yours.
Twitter Name: notefromlapland
One of my friends claimed that she doesn’t pee in the shower, and none of us believed her. Her response, “well, I *have* but I *don’t*.” Her rationale is that if it’s not a regular thing, she can say “I don’t do that.”
Twitter Name: MamaKaren
Ha, I like it!
Twitter Name: notefromlapland
Well, what the hell else are you supposed to do when you’re in the shower and you have to pee? Jump out and pee in the toilet? Except you’re dripping wet, so now you’re dripping everywhere. And there’s water all over the floor and the toilet and your roll of toilet paper is soggy. And then you have to try to get back in the shower but the floor is wet so you trip and break your neck. And now you’re dead. Your children could have grown up with their mother and your husband wouldn’t have to bury you if you’d just gotten over yourself and peed in the damn shower.
And now you know!
Twitter Name: MonsteRawr
Exactly, peeing in the shower could save your life!
Twitter Name: notefromlapland
Wait, you’re not supposed to admit that you pee in the shower? And that’s number 1? #UhOh
Twitter Name: Carolschiller
uh oh indeed.
Twitter Name: notefromlapland
It makes me feel much better knowing that I am not the only one that isn’t up to snuff on her alphabet. Phew.
Also i look at the clock when trying to work out a date and can’t do a times table more complicated than 4.
Twitter Name: notefromlapland
I absolutely do not pee in the shower I think it’s disgusting and makes the shower stink. I get mad at my husband because he does it.
Also, I don’t snoop in peoples bathrooms. I do look around but I don’t touch anything except to wash my hands.
Twitter Name: monstergirlee
Doth the lady protest too much? ;)
Twitter Name: notefromlapland