You know the score, moms and dads. We’ve all been there, some of us more than others.
You repeat the chant incessantly, and find yourself humming the song in the shower when your kids are no longer in your presence.
I’m talking about children’s songs.
What is it about some of these “musical treats” that makes us want to pull our hair out? For as much as there’s comfort in the familiarity of many of the tunes and lyrics, so is there contempt and, in some cases, downright insanity.
Insanity from the fact that we are often forced against our wills to repeat the mantra over and over and over again, often in the wee hours of the early morning or late at night. We go to sleep and find ourselves humming tunes related to black sheep, only to drift into sleep-land to dream about itsy-bitsy spiders. It’s crazy.
Parenting young children, in particular, opens you up to a whole new world. A world of love and ladybugs that need to find their way home. A world of kisses and Kookaburras. Sometimes its wonderful, other times, well…not so much. In the latter instance, I refer to exhibit “A:”
The Top 10 Most Annoying Children’s Songs
1) Baa Baa Black Sheep – I knew even as a child that there was a troubling undercurrent to this song and alas, it’s true. Something to do with slavery, subservience, domination and submission and colorism. Not for me, thanks. It was the “yes, sir, yes, sir, three bags full” that pushed me over the edge. Call me sensitive.
2) The Itsy Bitsy Spider – The protagonist spider is either a) an eternal optimist, or b) incredibly stupid. “Down came the rain and washed the spider out” should of been his first clue. And yet the sun came out yet again and the itsy-bitsy spider, with no heed to his previous experience, went up the spout again. How are we supposed to teach our kids about the consequences of our actions when we learn from songs like this that you can literally be “washed away” and you go back for more. I don’t know, I think it’s a bad lesson to teach our kids. Just sayin.’
3) The Wheels on the Bus - Not only do the wheels on the bus go “’round and ’round,” but the people on the bus go “up and down.” The babies on the bus go “Waa, waa, waa.” I don’t know about you, but the combination of these three makes me feel nauseous. I feel a migrane coming on every time I utter the words to this song. This bus ride sounds like a nightmare and vomit-inducing. And I haven’t even addressed the wipers on the bus going “swish, swish, swish,” and the doors on the bus going “open and shut.” Please pass me the bucket.
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| Image courtesy of http://singalongwithme.com |
4) Five Little Monkeys Jumping on the Bed – One by one, these simians become concussed, and yet this “doctor” has only one remedy: “no more monkeys jumping on the bed.” Can we say “lawsuit?” I hope this doctor has malpractice insurance.
5) Five Little Ducks – The ducks are being killed or abducted, one by one, and the mother duck is still just saying “quack, quack, quack” instead of calling the police. There is a serial duck killer on the loose and it doesn’t phase the mother duck at all. She clearly is not concerned that her babies are being systematically knocked off, one at a time. She just keeps quacking. I’ve surmised that the mother duck is an unfit duck and a sociopath.
6) Clementine – It was only in the past few years that it dawned on me how absolutely dire and dreary this song was, especially since we tend to sing it to small children. It’s about drowning, folks! Yes – it’s basically about someone who watches their beloved “Clementine” drown…because, (in their own words) “…but alas I was no swimmer so I lost my Clementine.” Sick. Oh, and morbid, too. We’re now singing about drowning? No, I don’t sing this to my kids.
7) Rock-a-bye Baby - Who on earth puts their precious baby in a cradle on a treetop?? I know first-hand how desperate one can get when your child won’t sleep, but c’mon!! The bough breaking, the cradle falling and the baby falling to it’s inevitable demise is just too much for me to bear. Pass on this tune.
8) Jack and Jill – As you can see by now, there is an ongoing theme about kids sustaining major injuries in many of the popular children’s songs. Children’s song writers are evidently a sick and sadistic bunch. “Jack fell down and broke his crown” is bad enough, but “Jill came tumbling after” sounds like a parent’s worse nightmare. And on that note, where are Jack and Jill’s parents in this scenario??
9) Three Blind Mice – “A Rodent Slasher Story” – that’s how I see this so-called “harmless” tale (or should I say “tail?”). How twisted that sightless rodents are having their appendages hacked off by a carving knife. For what purpose? Sick, sick, sick.
10) Peas Porridge Hot – Can we say “food poisoning?” Who leaves food on the stove for NINE DAYS then feeds it to their kids? Again – unfit parents. I don’t care if that “Peas Porridge” is grandma’s most coveted recipe that was handed down through numerous generations. NINE DAYS IS JUST TOO LONG. End of story.
As you can see, many of the songs we sing are just plain messed up. At least that’s my opinion (with my tongue firmly planted in cheek).
What children’s songs would be on your Top 10 Most Annoying list? Can’t wait to hear about them.
About the Writer:
Samantha is a Canadian-based writer, blogger, public relations consultant and mother of 5,000 kids (okay, she has four but it often feels like 5,000). Her three youngest children include identical twin toddler boys who keep her frantic, frazzled and in constant need of coffee (and often wine). You can check out her humorous parenting blog at www.multiplemayhemmamma.com
About Guest Writer
i actually wrote a paper in college about violence in nursery rhymes & children’s songs. you post is awesome, i howled laughing. and i don’t even have any kids.
but i now have the fucking Wheels on the Bus in my head. gimme your bucket. now.
Twitter Name: barbsobel
Thanks for the kind words! After singing these songs repeatedly with a fake smile on my face, I had to “out” myself and admit that I’d had it up to here with the nonsense. I’m calling the songs out for their idiocy. More to come. Stay tuned.
Twitter Name: samkj27
My kids have this toy – a bus (with wheels) and a driver, a dog and two kids – and it plays the tune of “Wheels on the bus.” After the first chorus line – the wheels on the bus go round and round – it makes this noise. I can’t even explain it. It’s like…reeee aaaahhhhh reeeee…and it has always made me think of what kind of music would play if I stabbed someone.
Like, say, the guy who made the toy.
So I’m totally justified, now that I know you wrote a paper about this. Wait, that’s what your paper was about, right?
Twitter Name: AnunCommonMom
yes, Laura. exactly. heh.
Twitter Name: barbsobel
In the version I learned, duck song represents more of a parenting issue than serial murder. Thank goodness. Mother duck says “Quack, Quack, Quack,” and yet the children don’t come back. Father duck is forced to step in. He calls, and they all return. I always wonder if this causes a rift in their relationship. Grow a backbone, Mamma Duck!
And beans smell terrible after nine days. I never got that one, either.
Twitter Name: becomingcliche
I, too, often wondered where the father duck was in this strange scenario. Perhaps he left after the first little duck went astray as HE actually had paternal feelings for his child and went to look for the little one. Unlike Mamma Duck. Just sayin’
Yea – nine-day-old peas porridge sounds ANYTHING but appetizing. Yuck.
Twitter Name: samkj27
I just laughed so hard I choked. You. Are. Hilarious.
Twitter Name: coolwhipmom
Thanks, CoolWhipMom! Don’t choke, now! That’s there are more annoying children’s songs that need to be sung! ;)
Twitter Name: samkj27
Suddenly I feel so much better about the fact that my dad sang us to sleep with songs he liked instead of nursery rhymes. The only problem was that he was a big fan of dead teenager type songs (Tell Laura I Love Her, Last Kiss) and other inappropriate fare (The Night the Lights Went Out in Georgia). I spent knew that I couldn’t trust my soul to no backwoods Southern lawyer (’cause the judge in the town’s got bloodstains on his hands) before I could count to 100.
Twitter Name: MamaKaren
Hey MamaKaren – what’s wrong with “dead teenager” songs,huh? ;)
Sounds like some of the other goodnight fare at home added to your childhood anxiety, no??
Twitter Name: samkj27
Good point about the depressing, tragic stories being told in many of these children’s songs. Somethine like Clementine would make a great Lifetime movie.
Twitter Name: Chase_McFadden
True that! And let’s not forget about “Ring around the Rosie”about The Plague!
Twitter Name: samkj27
I do believe there’s a nursery rhyme version of Frere Jacques about pulling a baby bird’s wings off as well. Very disturbing. >.>
You should get all these together in a book format and get it published with the title: How to train your child to be a psychopath from the cradle with song!
Or perhaps something less wordy. I don’t know… >.>
I was thinking of including “Alouette” about plucking a fowl of some sort until it dies! Je te plumerai la tête = I will puck your head! SICK!!!!
Twitter Name: samkj27
Absolutely brilliant!
This is exactly why I only sing Tom Waits to my kids. With some Pink, because I love Pink.
…one of my five year old’s favorite Dan Zanes songs is Loch Lomond, which is a really pretty song about a dead soldier making it home before his buddy. Happy times.
Twitter Name: julieinthelou
Long before we knew our kids were autistic we were lamenting over how we had to sing the same song over and over and watch the same video over and over. One particular trip we had very unhappy one and three year olds. Enter the Elmo cd. Yes, friends, eight hours of Elmos song. Over and over. And over. Every time a new song cam on, they would start crying. So it went on repeat and I sneered at my husband to drive like a bat out of hades. If I was ever seriously gonna lose it, it was over that song. And now! They are eleven and nine. One is over them. The other, who is nonverbal, hums them on repeat all day. Hot cross buns. Twinkle twinkle (same as baa baa black sheep and abcs). I just wanna cry.
Twitter Name: thedgoddess
I’m so sorry.
Twitter Name: samkj27