You visit a new stylist who stares at you intently for a few moments, lifting a strand of hair here and strand of hair there, and then declares that she knows exactly what to do! You appreciate a vision so you allow yourself to get excited only to have her break out topiary wire, tin snips, a couple of 2 x 4′s and a can of Aqua Net. You try to speak up and say, “I don’t want anything too fancy…” but the stylist can’t hear you over the circular saw, the hair dryer and her own maniacal laughter. Then, when it’s all done, she twirls you aound to the mirror and you find that you now have your mother’s bouffant circa 1963 and, while you now understand how those gravity-defying hairstyles were created, you’re just not into that sort of thing. You stare into the mirror with wide eyes and say, “Wow! I didn’t know my hair could even do that!” which the stylist takes as praise rather than horrified wonder and squeals in delight before telling you that you look fabulous.
And that’s when you know – you can’t trust this stylist because she is either a liar or delusional.
Either way, you can never go back.
So, how do you avoid making the same mistake? Here are some things to consider when choosing a hair stylist.
- Never let your mother take you to her salon. EVER. In 1984, my mother took me to get a perm that made me look like a female Tom Jones. This was not a good look for me. Also, it’s not really a great look for Tom Jones either but I digress.
- Never get your hair done at the mall. Mall salons beget mall hair. I know that we are all in a hurry and we need to kill all the birds with a single stone but you shouldn’t get your haircut where you can simultaneously pick up dinner from Panda Express. You’ll end up with a less than stellar style and high cholesterol.
- Never trust a stylist with bad hair. They are not saving up all their hair doing talent for you. They simply have no hair doing talent at all or they would have used it on themselves.
- Never go back to a stylist who cuts hair with the care of Edward Scissorhands. Nicked ears hurt and a good cut shouldn’t require bloodshed.
- Never go to a place with a hair-related pun in the name. In 1989, my mother (see #1) took me to “The Hair Port” in southern Missouri and the stylist gave me a spiral perm that I’m still growing out. Not really but it was the haircut horror that kept on giving. Avoid salons with names like “The Mane Event”, “Shear Magic” and any salon that tries to do anything with the word “Tresses”.
My guess is that some of you have already learned these lessons the hard way.
So share your horror stories with us so that we can all have a good laugh at your expense.
About Vikki
Yes, yes, and yes. This summer I wrote about the hair-raising experience I had (yes, I totally just went there).
I asked for Keri Hilson. What I got was Dora the Explorer.
Not cool.
Twitter Name: JWMoxie
Dora the Explorer?! Oh…you have my sympathy.
Twitter Name: uppoppedafox
There is a salon near me called Curl Up and Dye. Not sure I’d go there….lol!
Twitter Name: styxx374
Do you live in Minnesota? There is a place here with that name. I don’t know…that might be an exception to the pun rule because of the dark humor. I think you should go, get a radical cut and then report back so that we can make a ruling.
Twitter Name: uppoppedafox
No, I live in Pennsylvania, but I AM in need of a trim (my hair almost reaches my waist.)
Twitter Name: styxx374
You must do this in the name of science!
Twitter Name: uppoppedafox
My mother once took me to her stylist. She then gossiped the entire time with the person working on my poor head, distracting her from my hair. Turns out you’re not supposed to vigorously brush a new perm. I looked like Garfunkel.
Twitter Name: ethanethan
See…it just never works out. I’ll be calling you Garfunkel from now on. Aren’t you glad you shared?
Twitter Name: uppoppedafox
As an extension of #3, never do a “walk in”. As a walk-in you will inevitably be serviced by some chick with ridiculous pointy hair with 10,000 angles. Some chicks could stab someone with their hair in a pinch. Those are the ones who are always free for “walk ins”.
Twitter Name: julieinthelou
An excellent addition! Also doing a walk-in for my son has always ended with a bowl cut. Always.
Twitter Name: uppoppedafox
I did my time at Hair We Are (it’s where I had my spiral perm done in 1995), so I totally agree with point number 5. When I was trying to find a new stylist recently, my husband offered to get me the name of the woman who does my MIL’s hair. He didn’t understand why I was so hesitant to take him up on this offer. (This commentary coming from the man who complained when I cut my hair short, saying it looks like “middle aged lady hair.”)
I started going to the local beauty school, because the supervisor always comes by to check on the student’s work before letting you leave the chair. If they screw it up, someone fixes it for no charge.
Twitter Name: MamaKaren
Honey, we’ve all that THAT perm. Well, people in my age category (coughcough)!
Twitter Name: juliaroberts1
When I was 9, I wanted to get my hair cut really short (not quite a pixie cut, but close). Up till then, I always had really long hair, and my mother didn’t want me to have it cut. So she convince me that a mullet was a brilliant compromise (this was in 1988). I hated it from the very beginning, but she refused to pay for another haircut. It took me over a year to grown out that mullet.
Twitter Name: escameron