Welcome to the Nudist Colony: Pants Optional

When I was thirteen, my sister Nina lived in a nudist colony. She was eight years older than me and must have been in college at the time. I remember my mom planning a family visit to Nina’s that involved numerous secretive phone calls in hushed tones and whispers. Somehow, through various undercover efforts and spy techniques, my younger sister Aliza and I figured out what was going on.

We were shocked.

Nina was living is a house with a bunch of NAKED people?

Seriously?

This was also around the time that my mom had given me “The Talk.” You know what I mean. The birds and the bees. Armpit hair and period pads. Body odor and masturbation. Painfully long definitions of the words “genitals” and “menstruation.” Training bras demos and how-to-clean-blood-out-of-your-underwear presentations. Sex education mommy-style. It was mortifying to say the least.

With enormous gusto and fanfare, she offered me copies of Peter Mayle’s, Where Did I Come From? and it’s fun-filled companion, What’s Happening to Me? If you’re not familiar with these titles, you should be. They are highly-acclaimed 70’s-style sex education Bibles. Both testaments. You must own them so you can embarrass your own children upon their unfortunate arrival at puberty someday.

Meanwhile, I have to give my mom credit. Despite my outward showings of disgust and horror, I took the books. After tossing them carelessly into a corner while she watched, I secretly recovered them later and spent hours scrupulously perusing them by flashlight under my bed sheets after I was convinced everyone in the house had gone to sleep.

Back at the nudist colony, Nina apparently made everyone in the house sign an agreement to keep their clothes on during our weekend stay. I’m sure it was challenging, but somehow they managed. For Aliza and me, it was the best weekend of our young lives. We eyed the housemates mercilessly as we attempted to suppress snorts and giggles while imagining them performing all kinds of activities fully naked. Nude cookie baking, nude bungee jumping and nude toilet plunging were some of our personal favorites.

Unfortunately, I must have built up some really bad karma from that experience because over the past few months my own home has degenerated into a nudist colony of sorts. Or, at least, that’s what my children seem to think.

For example, this morning after I got Diego dressed, I informed him in no uncertain terms that he was to keep his clothes ON. I went to the bathroom.

When I emerged, no more than two minutes later, he charged me fully naked. After he tackled me to the floor, naked ninja style, he dashed through the house, pointing and yelling, “Pee! Pee!”

As I trotted dutifully through the house after his bouncing butt cheeks,  I crossed my fingers and made the infeasible wish that he had somehow miraculously potty-trained himself and that he was leading me to the toilet where I would find a bowl of yellowed water. Heck, I’d even take a toilet sprayed liberally with urine on its shiny porcelain exterior. Instead, he led me to the bedroom where he proudly pointed to a puddle that had already soaked deep into the carpet.

“Mami!” he proclaimed gleefully. “I pee!”

I found his diaper and clothes, dressed him again and placed him in time-out. I got some rags and did my best to clean up the pee. When I went back to retrieve him a few minutes later, he was butt naked, lying on a pile of clean laundry and massaging his bellybutton. Meanwhile, my other son Nino was also butt-naked scooting down the hallway on his rear end. “I’m leaving booty-stains on the carpet!” he declared joyfully.

So is it really wrong that I dressed both of them again and followed up with a layer of duct tape for good measure? I certainly hope not.

I’m just not sure I’m fully down with the whole nudist colony lifestyle right now, bad karma or otherwise.

Photo courtesy of Baby Banter

 

About Naomi De La Torre

Naomi de la Torre used to be a world famous salsa dancer and Guinness World Record holder in competitive meat-sculpting and artistic pie-eating before she gave up her life of fame and fortune to settle down. Now the mother of two adorable boys, she is most likely to be found hiding from the 100 pound pile of dirty laundry that stalks her, eating her weight in jarred cheese or using a can of Crisco to squeeze herself into her old sequined salsa dresses. Naomi is a contributing writer for SheKnows, Momtastic, Baby Banter and Insert Eyeroll.

Comments

  1. Diana says:

    I remember when my kids were little and in their bathing suits as we were going towards the house I mentioned that we needed to get out of the wet suits and put on dry clothes. On the back deck, right before opening the door, they both threw off their wet suits and marched into the house. We had a talk about how we’re supposed to wait until we get inside, but I thought at the time that it kept the carpet dry.

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  2. Omahamama says:

    Oh the glee this blog brought me! I hate to laugh at your tale of woe but since I often think I am the only one who has these experiences, it was too delicious not to giggle a little. My two-year old daughter actually strips in public and I won’t even get into the disaster in the bathroom last weekend except to say if you know the scene in Daddy Day Care when the little boy exits the restroom and tells Eddie Murphy, “I missed…” Yeah, it was that bad.
    Good read though – thanks!

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  3. MamaKaren says:

    we have a number of pictures of Hoss from years past in which he has a layer of duct tape around his diaper. I instituted a rule in our house that nakedness was allowed in the bedroom, the bathroom, and the hallway between those rooms. Dana Carvey used to do a bit about designating “naked time” for one hour a day, and how his kids would be practically jumping out of their skin counting down to the moment when they could strip down.

    So, many other folks feel your pain.

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    • Naomi says:

      Phew! It’s really good to know I’m not the only mom out there duct taping her kids inside their clothes. I seriously thought I was the only one out there with complete nudists for children.

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  4. Silvina says:

    Oh boy! I’ve been there! I had to enroll my oldest in a day care when I caught him running naked and barking with our two dogs as cars drove by. There must be a nudist tendency hidden inside all of us, but some of us just have less inhibitions than others.

    • Naomi says:

      OMG, Sil. Your comment just made me to a spit take all over the computer. “I had to enroll my oldest in a day care when I caught him running naked and barking with our two dogs are cars drove by.” THIS is why we are such good friends. I love you, girl.

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  5. marj says:

    Yeah soooooo my kid is almost always naked. In the house. Out in the yard. I try to keep him dressed, honest. I just give up. I don’t care if he’s nekkid. I just don’t want other people to care.

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  6. Naomi says:

    We should hang out more, Marj. We really should. Cuz I really don’t care about nekkidness. Not at all. I just don’t like poop on my carpet. Which my children apparently think is gut-busting hilarious.

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  7. Is it boys?!?! The first thing my son does when he walks in the door is strip naked. At least we’re not alone…

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  8. Alexandra says:

    Your life.

    SO different from my Puritan upbringing.

    I used to run my own nudist colony, pop. 1, till the kids were born.

    To this day, 17 years later, I still miss sleeping nekkid.

    As Benjamin Franklin, freak flag flyer that he was used to say, “air baths are essential for good health.”

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  9. Naomi says:

    Amen, mama! PS I didn’t know Ben Franklin was such a freak flag flyer. That’s ALLCAPSAWESOME.

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  10. HeatherS says:

    This is so timely for you. I was in Staples today and they have a huge variety of DECORATIVE duct tape. All kinds of colors and patterns. Tape ‘em up in style!

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  11. Might be the best thing I’ve ever read. Hilarious!

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  12. ERNESTO says:

    Cool, cool, cool, cool! Really enjoyed your post!

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