When you are a parent of small children and you spend 99% of each day cleaning up biohazard, removing grapes from the heating vents and/or breaking up sibling skirmishes, you barely have time to use the toilet in private, much less get your mojo working on a regular basis.
Oh shmoopsy-poo, you know it always makes me moist when you take the trash out.
Of all the things that take a huge hit after you become a parent, sex is one of the most obvious. What used to be long, luscious nights of bed-bouncing, spine-tingling, electrifying fun, becomes 12 muffled minutes in the linen closet while your tailbone gets friendly with the ironing board and your kids stay (semi) entertained by strange men in colorful tights who seem a little too happy to be hanging out with a ballet dancing dinosaur singing about fruit salad. Never mind the rug burn on your ass cheeks and the fact that you had to make love to the tune “Hot Potato.”
It was worth it. Well, mostly.
Don’t worry. You’re not the only one whose sex standards have lowered since you popped a few out. I’ll be the first to admit that the most alluring foreplay for me nowadays may involve my husband giving my garden a good weeding. Easy now, you perverts. Because that wasn’t even intended as a sexual metaphor.
So for all you new mamas and poppas out there looking for a few ideas on how to get that sizzle back in the bedroom, here’s a handy guide to the top seven tips for sensual foreplay for parents. You’re welcome.
- Chores. Let’s face it. When you spend your entire day breaking up fights, cleaning peanut butter off the ceiling and plunging Barbie heads out of the toilet, simply hearing the words, “Would you like me to take out the trash?” can make you moist.
- Basic grooming. Forget about Brazilian waxes, erotic lingerie, spa treatments and sexy perfume. When you typically wear the same yoga pants for more days in a row than you’d like to admit out loud, simply changing out of that spit-up covered wife beater can be a real turn on. Never underestimate the sexual allure of a vomit-free lover.
- Compliments. There’s nothing like a good, romantic compliment to get the juices flowing. “Gee honey, that spit-up really accentuates your cleavage” and “I think your thigh dimples are sexy“ are two of my personal favorites.
- Aphrodisiacs. Forget about oysters, chocolate covered strawberries and sparkly champagne. Let me come home to a warm dinner that didn’t come out of a pop-top can and you can do me right on the kitchen table.
- Sleep. Never misjudge the power of a good nap. For many new moms who are running on two hours of uninterrupted sleep a night and tired enough to fall asleep while sitting upright on the toilet, no amount of sexy talk, candlelight or even scented lube is likely to get their engines going. But speak the words, “Honey, I’ll take the kids to the park. Why don’t you take some time for yourself and have a nap or something,” and we might be tempted to rip your pants off right then and there.
- Clean underwear. When showers are about as rare as Bigfoot sightings, there’s nothing like a fresh pair of panties to make me feel super seductive and get my mojo bumping.
- Tender moments. I’m bent over scrubbing dried on mac and cheese off the cabinets. You’re wiping a poop stain off the back of my shirt. You lean in to whisper in my ear, “Um…your ass cleave is hanging out. But I like it.” Booyah! It’s ON.
Photo courtesy of Tobyotter/Flickr
About Naomi De La Torre
we’re scared to do it. at least until i get a vasectomy. not that we’re getting tons of chances with 5 kids, 4 of them under the age of 4.
kinda sad, really.
great read as always, naomi…
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
Bwhwhahahaha! I know that was exactly how we felt too until the old hubsy got snipped. It wasn’t as bad as he expected either. He even got a free T-shirt that say, “All juice, no seeds.”
Twitter Name: coolwhipmom
well, we thought C would probably have a C-section since she had to have one w/ the triplets, so if, indeed, she did, she was gonna have her tubes tied at the same time. BUT, my wife is a stud, so she totally came through on the VBAC which was great, but it also meant that i had to get snipped. SO, I called to make my appointment and couldn’t get in til mid Sept, but i’m going on a 60 mile backpacking trip on 10/19 and i gotta stay in shape, so i can’t lay low for 2 to 4 weeks like one must do when one attains all-juice-no-seed status.
which means we’re sleeping with plywood between us. because if we have *another* child? they should lock us up.
okay.
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
Damn. Your wife is a stud. I bow down to her impressive birthing skillz. And you aint so bad yourself with your mad backpacking skillz. I think you should have a few more kids just to celebrate your awesome.
Twitter Name: coolwhipmom
Washing dishes or folding the laundry? TOTALLY SEXY. Bring it!
Twitter Name: thedgoddess
That’s what I’m saying! Nothing sexier than a man doing some housework. Yeah baby!
Twitter Name: coolwhipmom
Picking up toys/random pieces of paper/blankets used for forts or doing the dishes/putting away laundry without being asked…. Major mojo points!
Twitter Name: KaraNutt
Hell to the yes. That always gets me hot and bothered too. :)
Twitter Name: coolwhipmom
my hubs told me [in all seriousness] [ok mostly seriousness] that my leg stubble was HOT. I’m going for the take it at face value on this one.
Twitter Name: Kirsten Nilsen
If my husband could tell me all all seriousness that my knee bangs turned him on, I totaly believe your hubs was getting worked up over your stubble. Heheehe. Gotta add this one to the list!
Twitter Name: coolwhipmom
My husband does the floors. Man + Mop? Oh, baby.
Twitter Name: Missy_Stevens
Booyah!!
Twitter Name: coolwhipmom
Booyah!!
Twitter Name: coolwhipmom
Booyah!
Twitter Name: coolwhipmom
Wow. That one must have really got me worked up. That was a WHOLE lotta booyahs.
Twitter Name: coolwhipmom
Funny and (sadly) accurate. Doing something as simple as folding the basket of clean socks AND putting them in drawers pretty well gets my wife looking for a stripper pole.
Twitter Name: Chase_McFadden
Better watch out. You might be getting a whole lot of ladies excited all over the interwebs right now with that kind of talk. ;)
Twitter Name: coolwhipmom
Dude,
We can ALL relate to this! I’m especially scared since # 3 will be here soon….and I’ll be clad in spit up and dirty sweats 24/7. The joys of motherhood!
Twitter Name: erinmargolin
You had me at “biohazard”.
Damn you’re funny.
Twitter Name: littleanimation
I’d like more of #7. Maybe I need to show more butt cleavage? These days when my husband slaps my butt, I feel more like he’s my coach then my midnight romp. Not to mention that romping at midnight is the last thing this tired mama wants. Now, a nooner, maybe…
Twitter Name: kvalentini