When I was in my 20s (back in the “olden days” as my kids tell me) I had this great gynecologist. I’ll call him Dr. Speck (Get it? Speculum?).
Clever, I know.
Dr. Speck (who incidentally isn’t a gynecologist any longer) was funny and friendly. At a time in my life when I was ending a 10 year relationship, a funny and friendly man came in handy.
I had to see him every 6 months for a look-see (well, a speculum look-see) and it got old fast. I hated going, really. The indignities of undressing in a cold room, properly laying your clothes on a chair, politely hiding your underwear and bra under your shirt, and donning a paper gown while laying under a too-small paper blanket, is well, icky.
His nurse assistant was smiley (which helped) and like I said, he was funny, so he made pretty good small talk when he was about to carry out his speculum look-see. He might say,
- “How are you doing? You seem happier than before, that is good. How’s the ad business?”
- “What’s going on with your running? I’ve started to run, too.”
- “Let’s see, how’s the weight? Any information you need in that area?”
Then of course there are the things he said that you don’t want to hear,
- “Scoot on down…more, little more…one more tiny bit…there, that’s good.”
- “Relax. Especially your knees. Really, you need to relax.”
- “Sorry, the drawer warmer isn’t working, so this is going to be a little cold.”
- “You’ll just feel a little pressure and a little pinch.”
There are some things you just do not want to hear while your toes are curled and your feet are in the stirrups. It doesn’t matter how many ceiling tiles you’re counting to distract yourself.
There are just some things you do not want to hear. Just. No. One such experience is seared in my brain like you can’t imagine.
I’m going to say “down there” instead of vagina because I still have (adult) friends who have a hard time with the word vagina spoken out loud. So, he is “down there” checking things out and says,
“Dating anyone new?”
Horrified, choking back garbled words, I said,
“YOU CAN TELL?”
He couldn’t hold it together and just about spewed his (presumably eaten) breakfast before he stood up, walked away from me and started laughing, along with his smiley assistant.
Good times, me and my gyno.
In case you’re wondering.
The answer is no. Your doctor can’t tell.
About Julia Roberts
No, but they can totally tell when you start having sex and thankfully don’t say it with your mother in the room. Like, if you were a sexually drive teenager.
Twitter Name: thedgoddess
I mean, SO YOU’VE HEARD! Right?
Twitter Name: juliaroberts1
HYPOTHETICALLY SPEAKING, OF COURSE. And that would be sexually ACTIVE teenager but my iPad is an asshat and changes shiz on me.
You know, if I were talking about me and stuff. Like.
Twitter Name: thedgoddess
During my freshman year in college my doc asked me if I drank or smoked and I was so flustered by the question (ohgod–do I still have keg breath!?) I said no a little too forcefully. Then he asked me to remove my sweatshirt so he could listen to my breath and I had layered that day with a CoEd Naked Beer Drinking shirt.
My worst gyno moment was accidentally saying something about my pap “schmear”–from some stupid ass Leslie Nielsen movie–and then I made it worse by making a ridiculous remark about bagels. I’m waiting for the right crotch doctor with a great sense of humor to write a book about the f*cked up shit women say on the table.
Twitter Name: julieinthelou
Yes, we all have an experience about a gyno moment, but the Naked Beer t-shirt is totally a classic.
Twitter Name: juliaroberts1
I gotta admit. I do love mine. Not the actual “look-see” part, but the dude himself. Fab manners and personality.
I did get a chuckle on my last visit though. During the beforehand check-up with the stethoscope running over my back with “deep breath, and out…and again, and out” he says “ahh…new tattoo?”
(Yes, I had a new one since the last visit and he noticed.)
I just snickered and felt my face start to glow a bit. Like THAT is really personal or something considering where I am at the time.
He says “I do look at more than the vajay-jay, you know?”
Totally caught me off-guard. I cracked up.
One of the best things in life: A cool vajay-jay checker.
Twitter Name: ASassyRedhead
Aw, see, now I’m call jealous because I want a doctor that calls a vagina va-jay-jay!
Twitter Name: juliaroberts1
I’ve been in the stirrups more than most women because of my own bout of infertility and then having several attempts (one successful) as a gestational surrogate. me + stirrups = a lot.
Anyway, on one particular time, the doctor did an ultrasound to see if my uterine lining was ready for embryo transfer. She slapped her hand on my knee and said, “Oh, good! Your uterus is looking nice and JUICY.”
Some words you just do not use in reference to anything in the Great Down Below. “Juicy” is one. “Moist” is another.
Just – no.
Twitter Name: JWMoxie
Ew. Moist is on my list of words that put a knot in my throat.
Totally – just agree.
Twitter Name: ASassyRedhead
Juicy is going a bit far. But then again, it WAS a compliment!
Twitter Name: juliaroberts1
When my gyno changed offices I followed even though it’s farther away (30 minutes farther). After some…scrapings…she said no sex for the next couple of days.
Okay but “does that mean no penetration or no orgasms?”
I got a huge laugh! BTW..just no penetration ;)
Twitter Name: bookdragonslair
Learn something every single day at Aiming Low.
Twitter Name: juliaroberts1
when i was a youngin’ in my 20s, my gyno once said
“your vagina is so PINK & SHINY”.
shiny?
Twitter Name: barbsobel
Shiny is good right? Like new and fresh?
Twitter Name: juliaroberts1
I recently finished blogging about my first visit – it seems to go along with this one quite well, glad I’m not the only one. http://www.fluteitup.com/2011/09/open-up-bitches-youre-gonna-need-it.html
Twitter Name: fluteitup
Ah…our first gyno appointment. We all remember it well. Congrats on this right of passage. Not!
Twitter Name: juliaroberts1
My previous gyno was Doctor Bruno. Hubby had the greatest time teasing me about going to see Doktorrrr Bruuuuuuuunnnnnnnnnnnoooooo(maniacal laugh goes here bwa hah ah ha ha.)
I’d have a hard time taking anything too seriously coming from Dr. Bruno. But I like that about the name.
Twitter Name: juliaroberts1
You really need to put a warning on this post to ensure people aren’t drinking anything fizzy – something with the potential to really hurt the nostrils if forced through them due to hysterical laughter – while reading the post or Comments.
Twitter Name: megstanish
Oh yay! This might be my first nasal spewing fizzy comment! WE STRIVE FOR THAT HERE. Do not be fooled!
Twitter Name: juliaroberts1
I actually had a gyno once tell me that I had birthing hips and would be able to pop a baby out in no time. Not something one wants to hear in their early 20s.
Twitter Name: GarnetJoyce
My fav Gyno retired….bah! He had a little cupboard like changing area in every room where no one had to worry about hiding their underwear and they gave you a cotton one piece dress you didn’t feel like, here’s your paper blankey don’t move or it will rip and a Kleenex to “clean up”. Ever get that tissue handed to you and wanna blow your nose then say “can I have something to clean up down below?”
I actually used to have pap smears at my family doc’s office. I only did this twice. The first time wasn’t horrible. The second time was O. M. G!!! My doc’s PA was going to do the exam, but apparently, according to her, my cervix is tilted. She couldn’t find it! There was another doc in the office and it was his last day so he was dressed weird and had on slippers with big stuffed dogs on them. The PA calls him in and asks him to have his dogs “sniff out” my cervix. He does, indeed, located said cervix and proceeds to call the PA over to have a look, too. She says, “aww, what a cute little cervix.” I could not get out of that office fast enough. I got my own (wonderful) gyno after that.