A Syllabus For the School of Life

Fall always kind of depresses me, and I think I know why: 18+ years of school set me up to be disappointed as an adult. I mean, September rolls around, but we don’t get a promotion to the next level of work, or a new boss, or even a new seat assignment, and my mom never asks me  if I need a new pencil case or a Lisa Frank Trapper-Keeper anymore (the answer, for the record, is ALWAYS yes).

I think I would feel much more prepared if every year I received a syllabus for each new stretch of adulthood:

17th Grade (Ages 22-23)

Electives:

• W-4 Tax Exemptions: Trying Not To Screw Yourself
• Dividing Utilities Between Seven Roommates, One of Whom Is Unemployed And Runs The A/C All Goddamn Day: Math For The Post-College Years
• I Don’t Care What You Say Anymore, This Is My Life: Billy Joel Lyrics For Everyday Use
• Philosophical Rationalizations For Living With Your Parents
• Chutes & Ladders, Hold The Ladders: Navigating The Entry-Level Job

Supplies needed:

• Unchecked narcissism and sense of entitlement
• Crate of Cup O’ Noodles and the cheapest booze you can find
• Empty savings account
• At least two forms of government-issued ID

22nd Grade (ages 27-28)

Electives:

• Student Loans And Credit Cards: How To Pay Them Off Without Selling Drugs, Or Your Eggs
• But Where Will My Amps Go? Spatial Geometry For Cohabitation
• Who’s The Boss? How To Survive a Management Job You Are In No Way Qualified for
• Unreal Estate: Someone, Somewhere Will Probably Let You Buy Property
• Out Of The Shot Glass, Into The Wine Box: Late Twenties Drinking Made Simple

Supplies needed:

• Growing feeling of unease
• Lease co-signed by no more than one other person
• At least one piece of framed wall art
• A 401K you don’t understand

27th Grade (ages 32-33)

Electives:

• Shades of Gray: Understanding Your Changing Scalp
• They’ll Let Any Butt-Reaming Asshole Be A Father: Parenting For The Emotionally Unprepared
• Yes, You Need A Will, Even If Your Net Worth Is Negative
• People Who Became Wildly Successful At The Age You Are Right Now And How To Discredit Them
• Metabolic Betrayal: Physiology of The Early Thirties

Supplies Needed:

• Chilling realization that your mother had already had three kids by this age
• A checkbook you rarely use but balance anyway, because if you don’t you fear that Suze Orman will somehow know, come to your house, and beat you with a stack of savings bonds
• A pet, plant, spouse or small child you are responsible for keeping alive
• Preventative wrinkle cream

35th Grade (ages 40-41)

Electives:

• It Is In Fact Possible For You To Have A Child Who Is In High School: Beating Denial With Simple Algebra
• There Is No “I” In Comb-Over: Embracing The Hair You Have Left Without Shame
• Identifying The Celebrities On The Cover Of Us Weekly, Especially If They Were Born After You Turned 25
• Grape Expectations: Oenophilia For The Over-40
• Menopause or Meningitis? Fun With WebMD

Supplies:

• Suspicion that you have Benjamin Button disease and are in fact aging in reverse
• A gimlet eye
• Coupons for “family-size” sundries
• At least three sets of keys that open who the fuck knows what