Plunging Testosterone Level Leads to 3 Questions About Viagra

Did you hear about that recent study which concluded that a man’s testosterone level dips after becoming a father? Yep. And the more active the dad, the greater the dip. Given that I’ve got four kids under the age of four and five kids total, I suppose that means my testosterone level is kinda like that old Robert Downey Jr. movie.

Less Than Zero.

I wrote about the study over at Babble. You know, since I’m this super-important parenting pundit and all. So important, in fact, that my piece was quoted by the New York Times. (Incidentally, they used my wrong name — I guess they hadn’t heard that I go by Nutsack Rogers these days.) The quote they went with?

“I’ve not morphed into a woman.”

Which was really reassuring to my inner circle. Even so, my family and friends were still concerned about my plunging testosterone level. Or so I’ve gathered from the outpouring of comments and questions such as the following one, which I received via text.

Hey, Nutsack, can you still pop a woody?

While decency prohibits me from directly answering such a crass question, I am willing to offer the following: Nutsack is still able to do his fair share of unassisted Rogering, thank you very much.

Still, there may come a day when I do need a little help. And one of the stalwarts offering such help is none other than Viagra. Only I know nothing about Viagra. Accordingly, I decided that now would be a good time to, um, bone up on the little blue pills, so I went to YouTube and watched a bunch of Viagra commercials.

Which, in turn, has left me with three pressing questions.

1. Four hours, huh? 

That famous disclaimer? I have a hard time with it. You know the one: Seek immediate medical help for an erection lasting longer than four hours.

Call me a boner conservative, folks, but four hours sounds like an awfully long time to me. I mean, when it comes to my penis, maybe I’m a pussy, but I’d be calling the doc after an hour. Tops.

Think about it. In four hours, you could go through your entire repertoire — Room with a View, Upper Deck, Seattle Slew, hell, even Fiddler’s Cove, for crying out loud — and still have time to catch Scarface.

Which, incidentally, would give a whole new meaning to “Say hello to my little friend.”

2. Decrease in vision?

Almost lost in the shuffle is the following disclaimer: Call your doctor right away if you experience a sudden decrease of vision.

Look, if I had a four-hour erection, a little blurry vision would be the least of my concerns. Still, I suppose you can’t ignore it. Especially if you’re waiting the entire four hours before seeking medical attention. Because I suppose it’d be nice if you could burn some time by doing a little reading.

3. Did you have to go with the whole Viva Viagra campaign? 

Because the only thing more pathetic than a bunch of dudes sitting around in a shed singing about their dick-pill dependency is to have the session morph into some bad Elvis karaoke party.

Well, I suppose it’s nice to know there’s always an option out there should I ever need it. I’m just glad that I don’t. For now, at least.

No more kids, though. You know. Just in case.

Image: Tumbleweed:-) via Creative Commons