Plunging Testosterone Level Leads to 3 Questions About Viagra

Did you hear about that recent study which concluded that a man’s testosterone level dips after becoming a father? Yep. And the more active the dad, the greater the dip. Given that I’ve got four kids under the age of four and five kids total, I suppose that means my testosterone level is kinda like that old Robert Downey Jr. movie.

Less Than Zero.

I wrote about the study over at Babble. You know, since I’m this super-important parenting pundit and all. So important, in fact, that my piece was quoted by the New York Times. (Incidentally, they used my wrong name — I guess they hadn’t heard that I go by Nutsack Rogers these days.) The quote they went with?

“I’ve not morphed into a woman.”

Which was really reassuring to my inner circle. Even so, my family and friends were still concerned about my plunging testosterone level. Or so I’ve gathered from the outpouring of comments and questions such as the following one, which I received via text.

Hey, Nutsack, can you still pop a woody?

While decency prohibits me from directly answering such a crass question, I am willing to offer the following: Nutsack is still able to do his fair share of unassisted Rogering, thank you very much.

Still, there may come a day when I do need a little help. And one of the stalwarts offering such help is none other than Viagra. Only I know nothing about Viagra. Accordingly, I decided that now would be a good time to, um, bone up on the little blue pills, so I went to YouTube and watched a bunch of Viagra commercials.

Which, in turn, has left me with three pressing questions.

1. Four hours, huh? 

That famous disclaimer? I have a hard time with it. You know the one: Seek immediate medical help for an erection lasting longer than four hours.

Call me a boner conservative, folks, but four hours sounds like an awfully long time to me. I mean, when it comes to my penis, maybe I’m a pussy, but I’d be calling the doc after an hour. Tops.

Think about it. In four hours, you could go through your entire repertoire — Room with a View, Upper Deck, Seattle Slew, hell, even Fiddler’s Cove, for crying out loud — and still have time to catch Scarface.

Which, incidentally, would give a whole new meaning to “Say hello to my little friend.”

2. Decrease in vision?

Almost lost in the shuffle is the following disclaimer: Call your doctor right away if you experience a sudden decrease of vision.

Look, if I had a four-hour erection, a little blurry vision would be the least of my concerns. Still, I suppose you can’t ignore it. Especially if you’re waiting the entire four hours before seeking medical attention. Because I suppose it’d be nice if you could burn some time by doing a little reading.

3. Did you have to go with the whole Viva Viagra campaign? 

Because the only thing more pathetic than a bunch of dudes sitting around in a shed singing about their dick-pill dependency is to have the session morph into some bad Elvis karaoke party.

Well, I suppose it’s nice to know there’s always an option out there should I ever need it. I’m just glad that I don’t. For now, at least.

No more kids, though. You know. Just in case.

Image: Tumbleweed:-) via Creative Commons

About John Cave Osborne

John Cave Osborne went from carefree bachelor to father of four in just 13 months thanks to marrying a single mom then quickly conceiving triplets. John and his wife, Caroline, recently welcomed their fifth child into the world, a little boy they named Grand Finale Osborne. He'd tell you more about it, but he's on the phone right now scheduling his vasectomy. You can keep up with John on Facebook, Twitter and YouTube as well as on his personal blog which he calls (get this) John Cave Osborne.

Comments

  1. Chloe says:

    lol

    Enjoy it while you can with whatever testosterone you have left.

    As a woman, I can promise you that I would not be allowing my man to have an erection for 4 HOURS without seeking medical care. Heck, after 4 HOURS we’d both need medical care.

    But at least Viagra is covered under most insurance plans, unlike Botox. I think a woman’s access to Botox is just as medically important as a man’s access to Viagra (And don’t think there isn’t an important, if unexplored, correlation there.)

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  2. Julie says:

    Okie doke. The way I was giggling at this I suppose I should say thanks for putting to rest any doubt I may have had about the fact that I’m secretly a 14 year old boy.

    You’re the sh*t, Nutsack.

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  3. John Cave Osborne says:

    and thanks to all the kids i have, that’d make me a 14 year old girl.

    you’re the sh*t, Julie. thanks for the comment.

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