When you are very obviously days away from seven months pregnant, it seems really lame to have to get “Proof of Pregnancy” in order to get state health insurance. Finding myself single, jobless and without insurance at that point was bad enough! I wanted to tell the state employee that if my large belly, inability to hold my piss and constant gas wasn’t proof enough then I could just spread ‘em and she could see my son’s head poking out! It wasn’t really poking out… but he sat so low it felt like it!
When I called in I told the receptionist that I would gladly flash my belly for proof not only providing them entertainment but also scaring the shit out of any young girls in the waiting room.
But, there I was. No belly flashing and trying not to pee myself in the waiting room.
It was hot, the room was small and the chairs were full of young chicks who were all avoiding eye contact and obviously embarrassed. I read my smut novel, because, based on my condition I obviously liked to bang (that seemed hilarious to me at the time). My lips were super chapped and while in mid application a young woman asked me something that I will never quite understand…
“Excuse me… but, can I borrow your chap-stick?”
Who. The. Hell. Asks. THAT?!
I had a bajillion things run around in my head. I couldn’t believe she was serious.
She went on…
“It’s just that its so hot and dry… and my lips are really chapped and hurting… and it’s already been such a long wait..”
Wow. I don’t think she is waiting to piss in a cup to prove pregnancy so what other services is she here for!? ACK! I don’t want someone’s possibly-needing-penicillin-yuck on my chap-stick!
I blurted out, “Look, you seem very nice and all. But, I’m kind of a germ-a-phobe. I think sharing chap-stick is up there with sharing my vibrators… Which. I. Don’t. Do!”
and I really should have left it at that… but… that wouldn’t be me to not take it that extra step further thus proving I am a total jackass…
“And the last place I would ever share my anything with a complete stranger is at an STD’s clinic.”
I instantly knew I needed a dose of shut-the-fuck-up. Why did I say that?! This girl broke down, started to ramble about too many details on her girly bits and her now ex boyfriend possibly cheating on her.
Meanwhile I saw the reception staff duck behind their desks and I swear I heard them covering up laughter. Thankfully they saved me and asked me to come back. YAY! I was finally done!
They stuck me in their lunchroom. Doh.
I couldn’t tell if I was in detention or in the super duper Box Seats. Either way I think they were preventing me to make anyone else cry.
I laughed so hard I did almost piss myself when the nurse said, “Oh you are the chap-stick chick! That poor girl… but what was she thinking asking that?”
Exactly.
***
About the Writer:
Leila’s, aka The Ninja, outlook on life is simple: Love it, live it, laugh at it and ninja kick anything in your way to happiness! Her confident exterior, sarcastic dialog, sailor mouth and quick wit are sprinkled with a humble, thoughtful and appreciative nature. She has a blog about all of this called Don’t Speak Whinese and happens to be a Single Mom with two kids. Her philosophy: Parenting is fun when everyone stops b*tching! She tweets from the bathroom, facebooks about her son’s penis obsession and blogs embarrassing pictures of herself.
About Guest Writer
EPIC. Absolutely epic.
Twitter Name: mandymooreblogr
Thank you :) Though I think the girl that asked me to borrow it would say it was something other than epic. She is probably still crying.
Twitter Name: DontSpkWhinese
Oh. My. God.
THAT had ME pissing! Hysterical!!
Twitter Name: ASassyRedhead
I will send you a mop ;)
Twitter Name: DontSpkWhinese
You know what? I read this thinking, I would have shared it since I’m too nice to say no to people then later thrown away a perfectly good chapstick because I’m such a wuss. Next time anyone asks to borrow anything – a pen, my phone, tp from the next stall over – I’m going to use that germ-a-phobe business. I’ll tell them it is a clinical condition and I get terrible anxiety when I share my stuff. If that doesn’t sufficiently embarrass them, I’ll lick the item in question before offering it to them “to mark my territory”.
Twitter Name: omahamama
I know SO many people who do the same thing because they don’t want to say no in an awkward situation. I think it is greener to not waste chap-stick and claim a clinical condition. Or just start frothing at the mouth… ;)
Twitter Name: DontSpkWhinese
WAIT ONE MINUTE!! We just met on twitter and here you are! You really are my people!
And TRUFAX my insurance changed when I was 8 months pregnant with my first child and I had to go pee in a cup as proof of pregnancy.
I handed the nurse my urine sample and said, “How long until I get the results???”
Twitter Name: robinobryant
I’m just popping up everywhere, woman! I am a Ninja! Now we must frolic together especially since we are both, peed-in-cups-to-prove-pregnancy-soul-sistas!
Twitter Name: DontSpkWhinese
Hah! I am often shut-the-fuck-up deficient. Nice to see I’m not alone :)
Twitter Name: onblank
We can start a Shut-The-Fuck-Club club :)
Twitter Name: DontSpkWhinese
So wait… It’s NOT cool to ask people to borrow their lip balm or vibrators? Well, crap.
Twitter Name: Izzymom
Only on special occasions… or while in foreign countries surrounded by hot bodied houseboys.
Twitter Name: DontSpkWhinese
Dude, I heard you could get pregnant from sharing Chapstick!
Twitter Name: Unknown Mami
Why do you think I don’t want to share it!?
Twitter Name: DontSpkWhinese
oh my gosh i love you more and more the more i read!!! this is fricking awesome! i love mostly that you made someone cry, but the part about getting shuffled back to the lunchroom is just CLASSIC. The comments are all cracking me up so much too i can’t think of my own witty comment to this crazy story. Except that i will now definitely think twice before asking a pregnant woman in an STD clinic to borrow her chapstick…thanks for the PSA!
Twitter Name: terratalking
MWAH! Thanks, woman and you are welcome for the PSA. I was dumbfounded when they put me in the lunchroom!! I thought they were hurrying me through… but no… at least they had a TV on back there.
Twitter Name: DontSpkWhinese
i love you. That is all.
Well, actually not really, cos you just crack me the hell up, and i wish you were closer for girls nights because i would totally be your wingman … plus i hate chapstick (its like putting beeswax on your mouth)
Twitter Name: ByWordsMusings
I have a love/hate relationship with chapstick. My giant duck-lips need them when it gets dry but then I feel like they are shiny like the Bat-Signal with candlewax dripping on my face.
You have no idea how much epic fun we would have on a girls night!! I wish we lived closer!
Twitter Name: DontSpkWhinese
You know, I’m all for a good time but I can’t stand by and laugh at the psychological damage you brought down on this poor girl. How cruel and insensitive.
Totally f*cking with you. This is awesome. Consider yourself a good samaritan, actually. She is *never* going to ask that of anyone again.
Twitter Name: julieinthelou
It takes a lot to stun me and throw me off. Like, a whole lot. You GOT me GOOD! My jaw was dropped and I felt like a total jerkface for a split second.
Then I realized you are just rad. LOL
Twitter Name: DontSpkWhinese
Really – who does that? Good thing they put you in the witness protection program before you made anyone else cry!
Twitter Name: coffeeluvinmom
Who DOES do that!? I think I need a permanent time out spot, away from public stupidity, to prevent the waterworks!
Twitter Name: DontSpkWhinese
Hilarious! Ahh this takes me back. Spent a noteworthy month working in the free STD clinic in downtown Philly. Favorite inappropriate patient: Visit #16 for him that year, gets tested by me then treated by me for gonorrhea. Tosses back the medicine, drinks his water, wipes a hand across his mouth and says (drumroll please) “Now that that’s taken care of babe, how about you and me gettin together?” I’ll never forget the site of his blood-stained Mickey Mouse t-shirt and 37 tatoos as I debated the wisdom of giving him an honest answer. Feeling compelled I said, “Between my wedding ring and your drip, that is never. gonna. happen.”
Twitter Name: AskDocG
I just spit my coffee!! That guy was super classy… how COULD you resist!?
Twitter Name: DontSpkWhinese
I am laughing so hard I’m crying over here!!! Guess who’s Hubby is going to have this read to him when he gets home tonight!?! LMAO
Twitter Name: MimzyWimzy
So, how did he like it?! And will he ever ask a pregnant chick to borrow chapstick?! :)
Twitter Name: DontSpkWhinese
LOL I always tell people I have some sort of infection. I imagine it will backfire one day.
This story? Awesome. You pregnant & grossed out? Awesomer.
Twitter Name: TheDanaK
LOL! I should try that and say I have a highly communicable infection of my mouth! What if someone says, “Oh I do too…” EW! I just grossed myself out.
And thank you :)
Twitter Name: DontSpkWhinese
Hilarious, just hilarious!!
I work for the State and have to request pregancy verification from very-obviously pregnant women/girls frequently. I try to play it off in a “Haha I know this is the dumbest regulation ever but I still need you to do this” way as possible but it *is* annoying. I recently just start telling them to have their OB fax me. The Dr wants to get the bill paid so it’s usually on my desk within a day and the client doesn’t have to waste a trip to pee in a cup.
I.LOVE.THIS. I barely share my chapstick with my kid, husband, sister or mom… there’s no WAY I’m sharing it with a stranger – WTF. that’s totally hilarious though :) thanks for sharing (the story, obviously not your chapstick) ;) xo
Twitter Name: rustilyn