My Dog is an Idiot


“Your dumbass dog is at it again,” my wife announced unceremoniously the other night.

What, exactly, was Briggs doing, you ask? Slowly, steadily and silently releasing dense clouds of noxious gas. Pockets of reprehensibility so flagrant as to even be equipped with their own (and noticeably different) barometric pressures, essentially rendering each such pocket little more than a tiny, malodorous weather front. I looked over at my hound only to find him sprawled out on his bed, his mouth eerily agape, snoring like a bear.

That’s right, Briggs was sleepfarting again. But lest you cast him off as a vulgar beast, please let the record show that my dog is no such thing.

He’s just an idiot.

That’s right. My Lab is an idiot. An absolutely beautiful idiot, I might add — his coat so brown it almost appears artificially colored, only the gray whiskers of his chin keeping him from being one big chocolate blob. His perfectly brown nose, almost always wet and cold, teams up with his wide, boxy head to form a clunky canine triangle that gives him a dignified look.

Yet he has no dignity, a tidbit which is easy to pick up each and every time his tongue doubles as a nutsack Zamboni during his disturbingly audible, 30 minute ball-licking sessions.

His laundry list of exploits makes Marley come off like one of Paris Hilton’s lap dogs. For starters, he humps anything that moves, as well as a few things that don’t, as evidenced last Christmas when he escaped the confines of our invisible fence and humped an unsuspecting wise men from a neighbor’s nativity scene.

When he’s not humping, he’s eating. Any and everything. And ofttimes he’s surprisingly adept, like the time he somehow opened up a pizza box and scarfed down two pieces of pizza, inexplicably leaving the others undisturbed.

But it’s not just pizza he eats, my friends. How I wish it were, but, alas, no. He’s also into other things and my wife was kind enough to alert me of one such thing over the phone back when the triplets were babies.

“Honey,” Caroline began, “your dumbass dog has struck again. He dug into the garbage and chewed up a full bag of…”

No. No. Please no. Not a bag of…

“dirty diapers! A whole day’s worth. Not only that, he must have eaten some because he’s thrown up on the floor. And I’ve got news for you. It doesn’t smell like throw up! It smells like something else!”


“Well, honey,” I answered, “you always said he had shit for brains. I suppose it was only a matter of time before he started having shit for lunch.”

Proof also, I suppose, that my mom was right all those years ago. It really isn’t that great of an idea to kiss a dog on the mouth after all.

Anyhoo, as you might imagine, we’ve been on pins and needles this time around, given the fact that our trash is once again regularly laden with dirty diapers. The mere memory of Briggs’s DNA-seeking missions enough to earn Animal Services their own special spot on our speed dial.

To his credit, Briggs has steered clear of the diapers. But he’s still reeking quite a bit of havoc, thank you very much, farting, licking and humping ever further along into the imperfect progress that is our family’s story.

Yet for all of his clumsy and socially unacceptable behavior, whenever he’s around our baby, he’s inexplicably gentle. He loves to tiptoe right up to him and slowly stick his nose within inches of his face and sniff repeatedly, moving back and forth in perfect time with the glider that delicately rocks our infant, until he’s smelled to his heart’s content. At which point, he usually sits down alongside the ottoman in front of the couch where he stands an effective guard to our innocent one.

It’s quite a beautiful scene, really.

Well, until, of course, he fires up that damn Zamboni again.

Yes. My dog’s an idiot. But he’s our idiot. And, my, how we love him.

About John Cave Osborne

John Cave Osborne went from carefree bachelor to father of four in just 13 months thanks to marrying a single mom then quickly conceiving triplets. John and his wife, Caroline, recently welcomed their fifth child into the world, a little boy they named Grand Finale Osborne. He'd tell you more about it, but he's on the phone right now scheduling his vasectomy. You can keep up with John on Facebook, Twitter and YouTube as well as on his personal blog which he calls (get this) John Cave Osborne.


  1. MFA Mama says:

    Oh gawd, this slayed me. I started laughing as soon as I opened the page because oh my goodness, poor Briggs, that is just NOT the face of mental acuity!

    Twitter Name:

  2. Amy says:

    OMG I cannot imagine how horrific it was to clean up vomited poop! Vomit, ugh fine, poopy diapers, doable but the combination just sounds RANCID!

    One of my dogs is an idiot but man, your dog tops mine :)

  3. the muskrat says:

    We had a yellow Lab, named Blazer, growing up who seemed to have Briggs’ intellect. After he pissed all over his supper dish several nights in a row, my dad decided he needed to go live with an older couple with lots of land and no aspirations of training it to retrieve dead ducks in freezing water.

    Come to think of it, Briggs has Lassie’s intellect compared to Blazer.

    Twitter Name:

  4. Heather Reyda says:

    I am not going to lie to you….nothing, absolutely NOTHING in this well written, quite witty article has changed my mind about dognapping Briggs the very first chance I get. In fact, it did quite the opposite, as, I do believe, I may have his twin brothers and sister already at my house. Yes sir. They like to partake in the occasional snacking of the doggie number 2. Say the word, my brother, and I will tote him away in a Honda Odyssey fit for multiple dogs……..

  5. pgoodness says:

    My dumbass Lab is a licker and she loves dirty diapers. Must be a lab thing!

    Love this!

    Twitter Name:

  6. beta dad says:

    Your dog sounds pretty dumb. But I wouldn’t bet a nickel on my mine to outscore him in an IQ test. My dog is so beautiful that people literally stop in the street and gasp at her shiny coat, regal bearing, and impressive musculature. But she honesty can’t find her way to the back door to go out and pee in the morning without my help. I was just remarking to my wife that about 80 percent of the time I look at our poor, stupid, beautiful Stella, I just shake my head.

    Twitter Name:

  7. Juli says:

    This just makes me love Briggs even more.

    Twitter Name:

  8. Jess says:

    We used to have a chocolate lab too. We had her for a while before she learned to climb our 6 foot fence. Each and every day she would escape, not going anywhere accept to our front door. Yep. She would escape the huge back yard with her food and toys to walk around the house to sit at the front door. It isn’t that she wanted inside, she could get inside through the house – she just wanted to sit. I never got it.

    Twitter Name:

  9. The Domestic Goddess says:

    Of course he’s an idiot. He’s a lab. My lab is in the oops imdid it again category. She’s a retriever that doesn’t retrieve and has no idea what to do with a ball. Wtf?

    Twitter Name:

  10. Sophie says:

    Have you ever seen the kids book Walter the farting dog? You must put your hands on it – your three year olds might just smile, but you’ll laugh your head off, guaranteed!

    And count your blessings. We had a super smart dog. Had to get rid of it when the baby started walking, the dog was too stressed, he didn’t like the attention and became aggressive. Sometimes dumb is best.

  11. Naomi says:

    OMG. I just laughed so hard reading this I almost choked to death. BEST. POST. EVER.

    Twitter Name:

  12. Mandi says:

    I think our dogs are long lost brothers. Oscar (my pooch) is exactly the same. …even the ball licking. It’s disturbing.

  13. Beth says:

    A tongue like that was made to lick something! Hilarious post…made me give my labradoodle a hug for not being a dumbass!

    • beth, i call that picture “the frying pan” b/c his tongue is so freakin’ big. give your labradoodle an extra hug for me. and know that if he ever darkens my doorway, Briggs would likely hump him like a two-dollar whore. you know, if he’s not busy riding the Zamboni.

      Twitter Name:

  14. Jack says:

    I’ll gladly take a dumb dog over a cat, especially Briggs. He has made for some good blog fodder.

    Twitter Name:

  15. SurprisedMom says:

    I have one of these, a loveable idiot who protects my girls. He’s not as big as Briggs, but he’s just as big as an idiot with just as big of a heart.

    Twitter Name:

  16. Rae says:

    Lived in an A-frame house once and the dog would lay down in the space behind the couch when we weren’t looking and nearly kill us with surprise sleepfarts while we were watching TV.

  17. TJ says:

    I had a chocolate lab, so I totally get it. He wasn’t the brightest bulb. Refused to swim until he was five. A lab that didn’t swim. Really? His main love was my pantyhose. Yes, it is what you’re thinking-not freshly laundered ones. We now own a French Mastiff and Cavalier King Charles Spaniel. I thought something was wrong with them because they are just so CALM. Even as pups. They don’t steal stuff, chew on furniture or find pleasure in destroying my high heels. Neither has ever gotten into the trash. I hadn’t had a trash can in my kitchen for 13 years! It’s a whole new world! But you can’t beat a lab, such lovers. I miss my Mac. Regardless of what my hubby says, he was the bomb.


  1. [...] anywhere near as bad as some of his past escapades. Escapades about which I wrote over at AimingLow. It’s called My Dog is an Idiot. But, keep in mind, friends, I still love him very, very [...]

  2. [...] the sweetest little dog. She loves all of us equally. She adores the kids and responds well my bitchiness authority. She [...]

  3. [...] might have to request a room change. Of course, it could be worse – it could be a dog. jQuery(document).ready(function($) { [...]

  4. [...] the triplets just puked in the sink. And Alli is mad ‘cause Sammy annoyed her. I’m pretty sure Briggs took a shit in the [...]

  5. [...] remind me sometime to tell you about the time I used Clorox to bleach away the stain and stench of Briggs‘ impressive effort in the back of my SUV. An effort that went undetected for 24 hours. In the [...]

Speak Your Mind