The Do’s and Don’ts of Apple Picking

I live in an area of the country that is so charming and picturesque in the autumn, you’d think Thomas Kinkade went and threw up all over it.

It’s a semi-rural community chock full of small farms and orchards. Having lived in this area all my life I’ve become extremely fond of the quiet beauty, the spectacular fall color, and also more than a little protective of its natural quaintness.

Especially during the fall apple picking season.

So when my family and I head off on an autumn morning to enjoy a day of apple picking, picnicking and apple cider doughnut gorging and I’m confronted with a bus load of tourists from the city who seem bound and determined to ruin our fun with their complete lack of good sense… Well, let’s just say I’m tired of giving them the evil eye. Instead, I’d like to help them become better at enjoying the fruits of our local farmers’ labor and the bounty of fall, but respectfully and without making me want to choke those people with an apple core.

Here are some do’s and don’ts for making the most of your apple picking experience.

DO stay as local as possible. If you saw an advertisement for the perfect orchard/farm, complete with pick-your-own fruit, pony rides, tractor-pulled wagons, a petting zoo, yada, yada, yada, then thousands of other people saw that ad too, chum. You will get there you will be greeted with long lines getting into busy parking lots, long lines to get on a bus that will take you to the orchard from the parking lots, long lines getting the bag to hold your apples, long lines to get on that wagon that will drag your butt out to the orchards and back again, and long lines for every child-centric activity. Do yourself, the environment and your local economy a favor – stay as close to home as you can because…

DON’T over-do it. You don’t always need all that extra hype. If you want a zoo, go to a zoo. But if you want an orchard, go to an orchard. Young kids will be thrilled to be able to run amok (albeit at a slow and respectful pace) in the orchards and pick their own fruit off a tree and chances are that farm might have a goat or two in the back that your kids can feed leaves to through a fence. You won’t have to pay a fortune, you won’t have the aggravating lines, you won’t pollute the environment any more than you have to by taking a multiple modes of transportation and you will have a better time. I can almost guarantee that.

DO be respectful of nature and the keepers of its beauty. Guess what, Princess Ugg Boots? You’re in nature. It’s occasionally messy and sometimes there are bees and other crawly, stingy things that you might not like. But that mess and those bees are more important to that farm than you are. And those farmers? They weren’t hired from central casting, they actually, you know, farm. They work really hard to make sure there is fruit for your delicate hands to pick. If you can’t deal with that please take your Coach bag (That you dragged to an orchard? Really?) and go home.

DON’T act like an asshole. Hey, Captain Axe Body Spray. Keep your children (and yourself) from climbing the trees, taking one bite out of an apple, dropping it on the ground, and acting like feral monkeys in the orchard. Follow the rules the farmer has posted for visitors. Let me stress that again – for VISITORS. You are a guest. Act that way.

DO dress for the occasion. Your heels have no place on those bumpy orchard paths. Wear appropriate footwear and outwear as necessary. (See also: previous comment about designer handbags.)

DON’T pick more than you need. Listen to Mommy – waste not, want not. And a piece of fruit you worked at getting dropped on the ground before you could get it into your bag? So what?? It’s still good so pick it up and take it home.

DO your research before going. It’s 2011 and most farms and orchards have a website that they update to keep customers abreast of what’s in season. It’s an invaluable tool if you have a particular variety or fruit in mind and cuts down on annoying whining when you get there only to realize that peach season has been over for two months.

DON’T buy the apple cider donuts.  There is nothing more disgusting than a hot cider donut straight out of the fryer.  Trust me, the one’s from that big coffee shop chain are much better.  Really.  Stick with those.

(I keed, I keed.  I just want them all for myself.)

DO enjoy yourself. I may have sounded disparaging of those larger orchards that offer more attractions than agriculture but they have their place, too. Many started as larger farms that were feeling the effects of a bad economy and needed a money maker to stay afloat. Most offer a great experience for the kids – I mean, how fun are corn mazes and hayrides?? SO MUCH FUN – so if you want to give one of those farms a whirl, try going during the week when the crowds are lighter. I’m speaking from experience, you’ll have a lot more fun that way.