Before you have kids of your own, Babies “R” Us could be the dark side of the moon. Filled with aisles and aisles of confusing and incomprehensible products like nipple shields, baby positioners, shopping cart protectors, potty mitts, snot suckers, diaper genies and bath rings—you might find yourself wandering around forever while being secretly and soundly brainwashed by the loudspeaker lullabies until you wake up holding a 30-page registry with your name on top and every one of these perplexing accessories listed beneath.
Let me clue you in a little secret. Fifty percent of the products sold at Babies “R” Us are pointless crap, no more useful than Bumpits, Snuggies, Pajama Jeans and other infomercial aberrations. And even if you are normally a savvy intelligent consumer, when you are pregnant Mommy Brain sets in and you are unable to recognize the difference between something truly miraculous like a swaddle blanket vs. something completely absurd like a wee wee tent.
Don’t worry. It’s not your fault. And I’m here to help. Below I have listed the top 10 ridiculous baby products guaranteed to traumatize new parents. If you do nothing more than simply avoiding these monstrosities, your life will be much improved.
- The Wee Wee Tent: While in theory this is a nice idea (because who wants to get squirted in the face while changing a baby), in reality there is really nothing you can do to stop the onslaught of biohazard you are going to be exposed to over the next decade or so. If you really want to get something to protect yourself, I recommend an industrial strength biohazard suit with matching gas mask. (They make great baby shower gifts, too!)
- Man Hooters: Dads, we know you want to help. But trust me when I say that there are plenty of ways that you can make a difference in Junior’s life that don’t involve you wearing a bra or attempting to lactate. Capish?
- Baby Shoes: Here’s a tip. Babies hate shoes. And shoes hate babies. Just ask any mom and find out the average length of time shoes stay on her baby’s feet. No doubt, it’s under 60 seconds. Besides, unless your baby is some sort of walking wizard, he will not need shoes until he is at least one year old. If you really must put shoes on your baby, get some Robeez or Robeez knock-offs. They are soft leather and have elastic around the ankles making they are completely baby-proof, unless of course you’ve just given birth to the Incredible Hulk. In which case, I bow down to your Almighty Cooter.
- The Diaper Genie: Here’s an idea. Take the most foul smelling, noxious substance on the planet (aka your baby’s poo), wrap it in plastic and store it in a bucket in your bedroom until your entire house smells like a cross between durian fruit, yeast infections and dead animals. Yes, please. I’ll take two.
- Baby Care Timer: For just $50, this mini-computer will tell you how often to change your baby’s diaper, when you need to nurse and when you need to beat your head against the wall for being such a sucker. Are you really so dim you need a computer to tell you these things? If so, you probably shouldn’t have had children in the first place.
- Baby Music: Visit any baby emporium and there you will find an entire collection of “baby music” specially designed to soothe your baby to sleep, while at the same time boosting his intelligence to genius levels. If you have any music at all in your personal collection, I am sure you can find something suitable for your baby to listen to. He may not become baby Einstein if all you play for him is punk rock, but he’ll definitely be years ahead of his preschool buddies in swag factor.
- Snap Crotch Pants: Whoever designed these horrific abominations must have had something against new parents. Tell me, in what universe does it make sense to have baby clothes that take approximately 2½ hours to put on?
- Baby Safety Helmet: Worried that your newly walking baby might take a tumble? Instead of baby proofing your home, just outfit him in this protective safety helmet that will have all the same benefits as if you wrapped his head in toilet paper, while at the same time ruining any chance your baby will have to find a future mate so you can live together. Forever. Win-win.
- Toddler Leash: Don’t wait until your child is a teenager to begin humiliating him on a daily basis. Just buy this handy leash and let the sadomasochistic fun begin when your child is no more than 15 months old.
- Baby Oil and Talcum Powder: I have at least six unopened bottles of baby oil and powder in my cabinet. What are they for? Do you lube up your baby, dip them in talcum powder and then put them in the oven for 10-12 minutes at 350° for a breaded baby snack? Maybe these items are left over from some sort of 1950’s parenting notions that are no longer applicable to modern day life. Who knows? Somehow though, baby oil and talcum powder still manage to make an appearance in all the baby gift sets because they look so adorable in their miniature bottles and everyone who hasn’t had a baby yet thinks they must be critically important to baby rearing. Unless you intend on making baby fish sticks or breaded baby nuggets, ditch the baby oil and powder. Your bathroom cabinets will thank me. And you will too.
About Naomi De La Torre
SO true!!
Thanks for stopping by, Hill!!
Twitter Name: coolwhipmom
Lolololol! So funny! How about potty seats that look more like an exersaucer than a toilet? Who wants all those toys in the bathroom anyway? EW!
That’s a good one. I also hated those exersaucer potty seats. Not to mention, my kids seemed to enjoy pooping in my potted plants better anyway. Gah!
Twitter Name: coolwhipmom
I used baby powder this morning! On my 4 year old…because I didn’t have time to give her a bath last night and I didn’t want her to be the smelly kid at school.
So THAT’S what it’s for!!! Well, in that case, I could use every bottle we have in our cabinet. Since we barely get a bath twice a week around here. Myself included. :)
Twitter Name: coolwhipmom
last time i used baby powder was for drying my feet after surgery!
the baby oil was given to my kinky neighbour. I won’t ask what it’s used for!
Twitter Name: hooker1uk
You know what.
I remember being told i would never cope being a dad without reading all this literature.
SOD THAT
First daughter was born and I changed the first smelly nappy, and did so for a while.
Same with my second daughter. and both have pooped over me!
I know them better than a god darn digital nursing display.
Even the radios were useless as they interfered with the airport 6 miles away!
Some dads think they need these things. Not all of us luckily! (I even planned in case 2yo monster was going to be sick yesterday, and she was! spare clothes, baby wipe and cleaning wipes for the pushchair come in useful)
although if you would have said to my 16 year old self (probably drowning in more vodka) i would be a pretty good dad i would have laughed!
Paul – The strange daddy blogger!
Twitter Name: hooker1uk
I bow down to your awesome daddy prowess! We need more dads around like you! PS Baby poop is the ultimate parental baptism.
Twitter Name: coolwhipmom
(help i’ve seem to have posted this lower! sorry!)
Sorry if i sound like i’m bigging myself up,
I do it because i should as a dad. it’s not something that mums should do. Also at times it looks good too ;)
Best baptism of poop i recall. just changed a stinky nappy on 2 week old Vee, she wriggled. the whole nappy and poop flew down her legs and over me and the bed. Was in the bad books then
Twitter Name: hooker1uk
Twitter Name: hooker1uk
Agreed, except for the baby powder. Baby powder works so much better than cream on diaper rashes.
Sorry if i sound like i’m bigging myself up,
I do it because i should as a dad. it’s not something that mums should do. Also at times it looks good too ;)
Best baptism of poop i recall. just changed a stinky nappy on 2 week old Vee, she wriggled. the whole nappy and poop flew down her legs and over me and the bed. Was in the bad books then
Twitter Name: hooker1uk
Bwhahahaa!! That sounds a lot like my life! One time my baby blew out his pamper on a plane and it was so bad I had to throw the whole outfit in the trash. MOstly because I just couldn’t stomach the idea of traveling the next leg of my 6 hour flight with a bag full of diarrhea clothes. Gah!
Twitter Name: coolwhipmom
This is so great. There is nothing like walking through those aisles which are intentionally set up to creat complete confusion, mental breakdown and possible hallucinations. So by the time you get out of there you really are convinced you need a wee wee tent! This is such a great post, thank you!
I seriously almost bought the wee wee tent. (Not to mention everything else on this list.)But it wouldn’t have helped anyway, because we had way more poopsplosions that came out the back of the diapers which practically required a hazmat team to clean up. Hehehehe.
Twitter Name: coolwhipmom
What you talking about? The toddler leash is where it’s at.
Yea! I was a pediatric nurse when these came out and every nurse on the floor bought them and used them. They don’t have to hold their arm up to hang on to you all day, they can walk about a bit, and at the end of the day you still have the kid. Awesome!
I agree that the harness/leash whatever you want to call it is actually a great item if used correctly. There is nothing wrong with saving your sanity, protecting your child and allowing them a little freedom to walk seemingly on their own.
It’s true. The toddler leash can be useful. I just hate it when I see parents who never let their kid off like they are a bad dog. But you are absolutely right. Can be a totaly sanity-saver!
Twitter Name: coolwhipmom
It’s true. The toddler leash can be useful. I just hate it when I see parents who never let their kid off like they are a bad dog. But you are absolutely right. Can be a totaly sanity-saver!
Twitter Name: coolwhipmom
You so crazy, Danny. That’s why I love you. xoxoxoxo
Twitter Name: coolwhipmom
I have three kids and just spent three hours at Babies R Us this past weekend helping a friend register for her first child. I can’t tell you how many times I said, “Nope! Don’t need that!” Why did it take three hours? Because there is SO MUCH useless stuff in there! One pack of pacifier wipes please!
Twitter Name: VictoriaEMason
That’s the best thing to do! Bring a veteran mom friend!! You are so nice to do that with your buddy!
Twitter Name: coolwhipmom
I personally think those kid leashes are awesome. They give me good fodder for casting furtive glances and snickering behind my hand (and maybe it gives me a little ego stroke and leaves me feeling like a good parent for not relying on dog supplies to manage my kids when out in public).
Twitter Name: JWMoxie
Hahahaahaha. I love you, J-Dub. That is all.
Twitter Name: coolwhipmom
Remind me not to read this website when I’ve had my once-a-month excercise in. Laughing hurts. And also: guilty as charged on the oil and powder. But, you always hear those moms say they could eat their baby’s thighs. I just never thought they meant it that literally.
Mmmmmm…baby thighs are TOTALLY edible! Nom nom nom.
Twitter Name: coolwhipmom
I use baby powder more often now than I ever did when my kids were babies- my pediatrician told me not to use it for diaper changes because of inhalation hazard. It’s great for fighting against sweaty feet now that they are 8, 10 and 13.
Twitter Name: MamaKaren
I’m getting a seriously good lesson on the use of baby powder. Now I’m thinking I’m in good shape with all these unused bottles! Stinky toes, you’ve met your match!
Twitter Name: coolwhipmom
I agree with 8 out of 10 :)
Before I get to the two I don’t, I want to say THANK YOU for pointing out the lack of necessity for baby shoes! That drives me bonkers!
My daughter only had 2 pairs of the snap crotch pants (and I didn’t buy them). I never had a problem with them and they actually did make diaper changes more convenient.
I never used a toddler leash, but quite honestly, I don’t see a problem with them. As a parent and a former preschool teacher, I can definitely respect the benefits. I chaperoned a class trip of my daughters and one of her classmates was a “runner” — a toddler leash would have definitely come in handy! (And would have saved me from the 4 or 5 mini heart attacks I had that day.)
Twitter Name: daylelynne
No, I do really totally get the toddler leash. And I actually used one sometimes too. I just hate it when I see these parents who keep their kid on one constantly. Like this woman in our library story time who keeps her kid on it during the entire class. He isn’t even TRYING to go anywhere. WTF!!?? The truth is, I think there are so many different baby products out there because different stuff works for different people. I’m WAY too uncoordinated to work those snap pants. Heck. I can barely put on my own bra most days. :)
Twitter Name: coolwhipmom
Oh, that would definitely drive me nuts too (the mom who kept her child leashed at the library)!
“The truth is, I think there are so many different baby products out there because different stuff works for different people.”
So true! But like everything else, it all has to opportunity to be misused and overused :/
Twitter Name: daylelynne
Oh my God, Naomi, you are hilarious! I would agree and add these items: baby wipe warmer, thermometer for the bath, and basically everything on my friends’ baby shower lists. When people ask me what I need (or will need if I ever have another baby), I tell them: socks, onesies, and lots of clothes. Oh and wine, chocolate, movies, and other great things for me. Why must the baby get all the goods?
On an unrelated note: I am totally getting a toddler leash. Only because I’m exhausted from running everywhere to keep up with my 2-year old. : )
Twitter Name: Amber_MtMC
Hhehehee. (I actually used the toddler leash too, I must admit.) Funny you said that about the other products too, because I almost put the wipe warmer on this list!! On the other hand, I AM thinking of getting one for myself. I think my buns might enjoy hot wipes after a good poop. TMI?
Twitter Name: coolwhipmom
I have a firm no shoes rule in our house.
Winter is starting to make it tough for me to go out to a restaurant barefoot though.
Twitter Name: TamingInsanity
That’s why you need to move to Texas!!!!!!!
Twitter Name: coolwhipmom
I agree with all of those except for the leash. I can’t be the only parent who has a toddler that not only do I NOT want to carry but doesn’t want to be carried? They don’t want the stroller, they want to walk. No MOM, I don’t wanna hold your hand. I prefer to keep my son on a backpack leash so that I know where he is and I don’t have to kill myself and ruin my good time out in public or ruin his time in public to do so. Then, to have a 3 and a 2 year old… the two leashes are the best invention I’ve ever come across. My kids are independent and don’t want to sit in a stroller when there is stuff to see and touch. I can let them wander and look at things and touch them while keeping them safe and under control. Then, we hold hands to cross the street. There is nothing wrong with the ADD mom putting her kids on a leash. I’d rather that than have the 2 year old dart in front of traffic because she’s fast and doesn’t care about street safety. I don’t think they, or other preschoolers, care that there is a leash and quite frankly, if someone mentions sadomasochistic intentions and they are children… there is a problem… I don’t put a collar around their necks and lead them around with a leash. LOL. Besides, it’s nice to have a place for their drinks and their blankets other than my hands. They are functional as well. :)
I will say, the leashes do come with a good laugh when you take your kids to the pride festival. There is always one joker who thinks they are inhumane and cruel and can’t even believe my kids are wearing them… while wearing his collar and being led around on his leash. o.O
I hate whoever invented the PJs with 500 snaps.
Twitter Name: carribrown
Baby oil and baby powder ARE aspiration hazards. The oil is deadly if inhaled. Deadly. We won’t keep that stuff in the house.
Other useless items are cheap baby carriers (they’ll give you the posture of a 90 year old with osteoporosis), and those stupid heartbeat bears. I was sure I had given birth to a vampire because the sound of the heartbeat kept my kid wired up and fired up.
Twitter Name: becomingcliche
Aagh. The Diaper Genie. It’s absurd and disgusting. I have a No Poop Storage In The House rule.
And the Pee Pee Tee Pees? Cute, but let me tell you – my son peed that thing right into the air, like one of those pop-up sprinkler deals.
PS – So I should not put leopard-print Snuggie on my Christmas list?
Twitter Name: Missy_Stevens
Breaded baby snack…………………… ahahahahaah
Twitter Name: Amandaaustin