I have to clean this up BY MYSELF?!
Single parents?
I bow down before your superiority. Let’s just get that out of the way right now.
My husband goes out of town for work at least once every six weeks. Sometimes more.
We have one of those relationships where we don’t talk much about what he does because it’s kind of boring I totally respect his space. I’m not sure exactly what he does when he’s away. For all I know, he could have a whole other family that he’s visiting.
No, no, not really. He’s a good guy, besides if we were counting families according to high maintenance points and not actual physical bodies, he already has a commune of approximately 400 people to maintain.
I stay at home with my kids full time. I tell you this because this is important to the discussion. See, I imagine that if you work outside your home and your husband goes out of town on business, you get to actually… go… away. Not me. I’m here. Always. All the time. No escape.
My kids are also at the age where they’ve picked up my penchant for armed and strategic rebellions against the establishment and are truly holding their own in affecting the social changes they’d like to see in their world.
5 year old: I want a cupcake.
Me: No, it’s like 8:30 a.m. You haven’t even had breakfast, yet.
5 year old: I want a CUPCAKE. ::Arms crossed, body poised in case flailing on the ground is required to achieve objective::
Me: I SAID NO.
2 year old Who Did Not Want A Cupcake Two Minutes Ago: I wanna cupcake tooooo.
Me: No, NO… NO CUPCAKES. GOD.DAMN.IT. ::I don’t really say that last part. But I want to.::
2 year old: PEEEEEEASE-MAMAAA-CUPCAAAKE—PEAAASE… ::repeats until I feel like stabbing myself in the eyeballs::
5 year old: ::Creepy silence and direct stare into my eyes that’s reminiscent of the little girl in that version of the Omen where the antichrist was a girl:: I guess we’re going to have cupcakes now, aren’t we?
Me: Fine. Cupcakes it is.
Look, I manage, like I always do. I strategize. I think of ways to cope.
In fact, I have a list.
5 Ways to Survive Single Parenting When You’re Not A Single Parent
- Television. The American Pediatric Association maintains that watching more than two hours of television a day can inhibit speech and communication. I capitalize on this brilliant observation by allowing my children unlimited access to every DVD we own. You’d be surprised at how quiet a two year old gets when watching The Matrix.
- Stay Organized. BUWAHAHAHA. That was a joke. Do not attempt to maintain order. You are not in charge here. Don’t forget that. In case you do, though, the
inmateschildren will remind you. - Keep it Simple. Nuggets, pudding and celery are perfect for dinner.
- Play Mind Games. Try to fool small children into thinking that 6p.m. is their bedtime.
- Capitalize on the Guilt Factor. Log every incident that caused you even minimal stress with the intent of brandishing when a blogging conference or girl’s night out comes up.
What about you?
How do you cope with being left alone with two small children who seemed cute two days ago when your spouse was home, but now seemed to have appropriated qualities that reflect a horrifying hybridized version of behavior of that little girl from The Omen and a mob from the French revolution?
About Faiqa Khan
I only have one. I divorced the other. Very simple.
I laughed SO hard at this comment. And then I read it to my husband and laughed again.
Twitter Name: Faiqa
all of the above plus wine. lots and lots of wine. (usually after they’re in bed but I can’t guarantee anything)
I see that Alison and I read the same book on parenting (or coping as a parent). Wine it is. Lots and Lots of wine.
Twitter Name: Megan
You guys should get together when you’re alone with the kids.
Twitter Name: Faiqa
I wouldn’t judge you if you started before bedtime.
Twitter Name: Faiqa
Well Hello there – sistah! Just stumbled upon this brilliant blog and what a great read my first time in.
I too am a single parent BUT not…My husband travels about every three weeks sometimes for a week and sometimes for 2 days and plain and simple it sucks….
I gotta admit I am alot calmer when he is gone…I think actually it is a small dose of depression that sets in and I am just in this state of zombie like presence. I have a 10, 8 and 4 year – the 4yo is a boy – and he I think is the demon child…he gets along with no one. I wish like yours a movie would suffice but no – his attention span is like 3 minutes…the idea of being alone – let alone playing alone with the gazillion toys we have – is not even an idea that sprouts into that beautiufl little head of his…
nuggets and celery is perfect – sometimes mine just want toast for dinner and hey why not—it won’t kill them right…
I feel your pain sistah – and I gotta tell you McD’s and early bed for the absolute bad behavior I forsee is a sure end to a long gruelling day when the hubby is away – then I have the end of the night to sit and ponder my nutty kids and my intolerance and I beat myself up for an hour whilst trying to fall asleep. (my punishment, I suppose)
I have come to realize – life is not perfect and we sure as hell can’t be expected to be perfect, Nor can our kids…what a boring World that would be —-
hang loose and keep up the fight.
xo
tina
I’m glad you liked the post, and totally agree that expecting life to be perfect is a surefire way to be (1) boring and (2) really, really, REALLY mad all the time.
Twitter Name: Faiqa
Up that to three kids and a semi-regular travel season of every other week for a few days, and you’ve got my situation. Many times we’ve eaten breakfast for dinner, or cheese and crackers (and maybe some fruit). You have to do what you have to do, right?
Totally agree with the tv/dvd thing ;) We’ve introduced them to The Italian Job. Eye candy for mommy and action for the little ones.
OMG… The Italian Job, that’s hilarious!!
Twitter Name: Faiqa
I’m opposite from most. Instead of weeks with the husband and then one without, I have weeks without the husband and then one with him. (The joys of being a military family! At least it’s better than the two years he did in Iraq.)
I have 4 kids, so it’s twice as fun. I have to work even harder to keep up the illusion that I’m the one in charge.
As far as food goes, I keep the pantry well stocked with cereal. Then at least I know if I have a break down, they can still feed themselves. We also have an extensive dvd collection. The ones from the Discovery Channel and Animal Planet are awesome, because they are educational it doesn’t count how long my kids sit there watching it, right?
Twitter Name: midgetinvasion
Discovery Channel does not count at all … in fact, it’s like making them eat extra broccoli. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
Twitter Name: Faiqa
Don’t hate me for saying this but my kids are really good when my husband is out of town. Like freakishly good. I think they pity me and decide that is the time to throw me a bone for being a loyal and dependable chauffeur, chef, laundress, secretary and maid.
Twitter Name: Izzymom
Or they fear you. ;-) Nah, you do a lot for them, I’m sure they appreciate you very much. Wait. Which means my kids DON’T? I think appreciation doesn’t develop until 7, right? RIGHT?
Twitter Name: Faiqa
I’m not sure if my daughter actually morphs in a demon when my husband goes away, or if I’m so panic-stricken at being a temporary single parent that I’M the one who turns into the demon. Either way it’s nuts because it’s not as if my husband helps *all* that much when he’s around anyway!
Twitter Name: nystoopmama
I realize how much my husband actually does when he’s not here. I mean, even if it’s only 20-30min of work, it’s 20-30m less for me to do. On day three, that 20-30minutes looks like a 3 hour stay at a day spa.
Twitter Name: Faiqa
Hsb fears for his life i’ll start traveling and leave him alone to juggle 3 teens & a tween. Flying solo gets even harder when bigger. Shit. You. Not.
Twitter Name: returntoworkmom
NOOO!!!
Twitter Name: Faiqa
Dude. I know. My husband travels quite a bit, too, and when he does:
- dinner is eggs & toast, nuggets or mac ‘n’ cheese
- bedtime is at least an hour earlier than usual
- the televised entertainment flows like honey
Twitter Name: nicholee
I’m so glad that it’s not just me. So glad.
Twitter Name: Faiqa
You have it nailed. I have been a single parent for real and a temporarily solo parent (I think they are very different – and need different labels myself). As a single parent I was slightly more together because I had to be. But let a lot slide. The tv was my friend. The traveling husband is hard and prep is key. Also delivery of anything that can be delivered. And babysitters for breaks if possible!
Twitter Name: tarabitesback
Babysitters. Now there’s an idea.
Twitter Name: Faiqa
We often go to a rural cabin with friends which means 6 adults and 5 children. One time, one of my brilliant friends suggested that we set ALL the clocks in the cabin ahead one hour before the kids came into the cabin so that we could put them to bed an hour earlier than usual. Worked like a charm – kids are SO naive.
Twitter Name: uppoppedafox
Man, my kids are evil geniuses. They’d run around the house the next night setting all the clocks forward three hours so they could stay up an hour later.
Twitter Name: Faiqa
Came across this blog, thought maybe I would get some actual tips to help me as an only parent, because you know we can always use extra tips. I was a single parent who wasn’t really a single parent for 10 years, all week long, every week. Sadly, my husband died two years ago. Now I’m an only parent, all week long, every week, 24 hours a day. While I realize this is very tongue-in-cheek, it’s also very insulting to those of us who are single/only parents, especially while you are telling us you bow down to us, yet don’t have to live our lives.
Twitter Name: Catherine Fraser
I was a single mom and I honestly thought in some aspects it was easier than being an “alone parent” (as I call it because my husband is always here but does nothing I ask of him to help). When it was just me there wasn’t anyone to demand actual food for dinner. I worked 3rd shift and went to school so we ate a lot of Ramen noodles and my toddler didn’t mind at all. Being an “alone mom” sucks. I just do the bare minimum to maintain peace in the house because I think my 2 yo was sent to test my ability to sustain from murder. And single mom or “alone mom” either way DVDs are our friends.
Catherine- first I am so sorry for your loss. She definitely wasn’t trying to be insulting, but do you mind if I ask what you felt was insulting? I have read and re-read this like 4 times and can’t figure it out.
I can see how being a “real” single parent would force one to be more organized and maybe be less harrowing.
Twitter Name: Faiqa
She says she bows down to you because she doesn’t live your lives and she respects single parents for what they do because its hard work.
Thanks. I appreciate your reply.
Twitter Name: Faiqa
I must admit the long summer holiday from school is taking its toll on me, a full day watching my youngest knowing Hub is out at work and I will STILL have to do it when he gets home because he has perfected the art of not being able to handle her like I can. ACK.
Roll on September and back to school and one minute where I don’t have to be on full alert.
Twitter Name: penbleth
Yeah. This was the first summer after my eldest started school. It was…erm, difficult.
Twitter Name: Faiqa
Flee and hope someone takes pity on the kids and takes them in. They are cute; it shouldn’t take more than a couple of hours.
Twitter Name: msmegan
Lol. I had a dream about that last night. That Tariq and I put the kids to bed and just decided to go out to dinner… and then I panicked all through dinner.
Twitter Name: Faiqa
Awesome. This post made me chuckle. I see some of my errors now – trying to be organized and do it all well. Impossible. Since becoming unemployed and having to be a stuck at home mom, I have really been challenged. Especially with my oldest daughter’s mischief and mayhem. Starting tomorrow, there’s a new warden in charge! Pulp Fiction anyone?
Twitter Name: seemomwork
Unless my hubs is gone for more than 2 nights, I don’t bathe the baby. Just wash his face and hands.