As of Sunday, 173 of you voted on my husband’s hair. That’s a lot of people caring about a stranger’s hair. And this is why I like you. I mean, I get it. It’s like if reality TV had a baby with the internet and was then abandoned and raised by a Choose Your Own Adventure book. Who wouldn’t like that? Now back to the hair.
An OVERWHELMING number of you voted for man hair look #1. GOOD JOB. A visually impaired 17 of you voted for look #2. I will presume that 17 of you either have a thing for Scott Disick or own significant stock in LA Looks.
Now, let’s discuss the husband response to the internet’s vote.
Me: Did you read the comments about your hair?
B: No
Me: Well they voted for look #1
B: What does that mean?
Me: LOOK NUMBER ONE, THE GOOD LOOK.
B: Oh ok.
Me: You should read the comments.
B: (stares at the T.V.)
Me: YOU SHOULD READ THE COMMENTS.
B: What?
Me: If you don’t read the comments I will send you one a day for the next 173 days of your life.
B: Like a one a day rip off calendar?
Me: Exactly.
B: (stares at the T.V.)
This is what I have to work with, Internet. I can promise you this: I will be sending him one of your comments a day for the next 173 days of his life. I’m pretty sure I’ll be the first wife ever marked as spam by her husband.
Here’s the real deal about the hair: It’s easy for him. It’s easy to put 5 palm fulls of neon gel into his hair, push it back and count to 20 while the hairspray forms a force field of protection around his head. And he doesn’t CARE that it looks Dracula. That is hard to work with.
So I need from the women, your best tips to get a man to do something. And from the men, I need to know what would make you put more effort into your appearance.
And as I’m typing this, I’m realizing the answer. And no, I’m not doing that. I have a college degree, thank you.
Now make with the advice. Except for the 17 of you living at the Jersey Shore watching a Kardashian marathon. You can keep it to yourself.
And if we don’t make any progress, I get the bandana punishment:
Thanks again internet. You’re saving me 100 bucks a week in counseling.
About Amanda MODG
You don’t need a college degree for a blow job, silly billy! Get to it!
Or just hide the gel.
Twitter Name: tarabitesback
Love. Hehe.
Tara, this is is totally true and works.
Twitter Name: juliaroberts1
I’d love to say she’s wrong, but promising blow jobs or sex does work, but not with all men. But the good ones usually give in for sexual favors or some kind of nice gesture…
Twitter Name: JeniferDunkle
What I sort of love about the bandana punishment photo is that there he is trying to look all frat boy bad ass baller with his bandana holding back his peskily luxurious head full of flowing locks and it’s all working until KEWT WIDDLE KITTY KAT ON HIS SHOULDER! Cats will blow your plans up every time. Every. Single. Time.
Twitter Name: Kizzbeth
Buddy, your wife works hard- harder than you! She not only carried your seed and now she is raising it to be kind and good and polite, you have to do your share as well. First order of business is to listen to her. While you sleep soundly at night and she nourishes your seed, your spawn, your hopes and dreams, your namesake, she thinks of what is best for you and hair do number two makes 173 women feel creepy… 174 if you count your loving bride and mother of your child!!! Fact. Your wife is and will (almost) always be right!)
Oh I refuse to do That for anything. At least anything less than 5karats.
But I did Finally get the Big Man to change his hair style this year.
After working on it for A DECADE. Seriously. We met in 2001. And I fell for him. But not his hair. So I’ve been working on it ever since.
What I learned?
You need back up.
Someone he doesn’t know you’ve enlisted as back up.
Like a cute, young hair stylist you just happened to book him an appointment with. Who then gives him a style you know he won’t like (b/c he won’t like any style she gives him…after he stops staring at her…hands), but during the cut may or may not subtly compliment his bone structure and mention how parting it just “so” could be a good idea of his. If he decides he doesn’t like her hair cut. It will take a few days. But after he quits bitching about the stupid new hair cut, he’ll suddenly get the idea to part his hair just “so.”
Just make sure you tip her Really Really well before hand. And after.
THEN you have to get him to keep it. Which may or may not involve THAT. Or possibly an impromptu get together with some friends who may or may not have been previously prepped to spontaneously compliment his hair. Even the guys. A comment about how it makes his face look thinner might not hurt.
Just be prepared to cover a round for everyone. Except the douche bag in the corner who kept his mouth shut. He? Can pay for yours.
I second the “hide the hair gel” comment… or just throw it away. Or no nookie until the hair is beautifully soft and manageable and finger-worthy… or maybe have him try some different hair product that will not make his hair quite so cement-like.
Well, the blow job is a thank you, not a motivator, because we all know what men do AFTER. ZZZZZ…lol. Does hairdo #1 require him to blow dry or something, because I fail to see where the effort comes in to play.
LOL!!! I can’t believe he goes for the gelled back look, and that some people voted for it! How about filling him in on the fact that men should never, ever, ever, ever wear hair product. EVER! That is a privilege reserved for douchebags only. I would raise some serious hell is my husband tried to pull that shit… but also, I don’t consider the bandana “punishment”, I love when my hubs wears one! Think dirty Bonnaroo boy all sweaty from partying/camping for 3 days straight with his longish hair falling over his headband, he looks sexy like that!
This is a slippery slope. I used to comment on my husband’s hair so he started shaving it. And now its falling out.
sprinkle pixie dust type glitter in all his gel or scent with Lady Stetson.
…oh and the “head band” puts him under gay suspicion.
OMG you would think just being compared to that obnoxious Dipshit would be enough! Have watched that show once and I was so infuriated by that man and his ego! LOSER!!
Dude. the headband hair has to go. it’s the mullet of this millenium.
Twitter Name: thedgoddess
Have you considered how incredibly hurtful this conversation is for men who hardly have any hair, and can therefore never look forward to any blowjobs in exchange for making the right styling decisions?
Twitter Name: betadad
Tell him what you told us: the hairstyle is ruining your marriage and if he doesn’t change it you’re calling a lawyer.
I have only used this twice during my 9+ years with my husband, both for things which really were non-negotiables for me (which he didn’t really understand) – I had to put my money where was was.
I’m not sure if it’s really that important to you, though.
Crying comes a close second. I’m a pretty tough girl, so when I start to cry, my husband knows it’s serious.
Twitter Name: escameron
*where my mouth was*
Twitter Name: escameron